The Gift

Zack informs us that the three worst things that can happen to a kid are measles, mumps and midterms, and he'd rather study measles and mumps. That's right folks, it's midterm time at Bayside. And we're not talking any normal midterm here, we're talking about Terrible Testeverde! The sheer mention of his name strikes fear in the hearts of students everywhere.

Zack loses a bet to Slater and is forced to give up his beloved ham radio. He makes Screech unhook the antenna, and while he's outside he gets struck by lightning. Don't worry, Screech is okay, but he now apparently has psychic powers.

Testeverde's midterm consists of three essay questions. Everyone is freaking out. Jessie, being the academic snob she is, is concerned about getting an A. Lisa is a nervous wreck and eats constantly. You better lay off the chocolate missy, or white dweebs will stop chasing you around. Kelly even decides to cut gym to study. Randy Records would be so disappointed. ("Don't be sorry. Just don't let it happen again.")

If you had a friend who could tell the future, wouldn't you use it to your advantage? Zack makes Screech tell him the three questions on the midterm, and he's so confident that he'll ace the test that he makes a ridiculous bet with Slater. The loser must be the other's slave. (You would think Lisa would take exception to this, but her views on slavery are pretty lax.)

Kelly is all alone with Zack in his room, and studying is the last thing on his mind. I'm pretty sure he's close to getting it in when Lisa and Jessie storm in. Jessie is a professional cockblock (rivaling only Denisha "Bear" Bryant).

Screech's powers are starting to wear off, and he's not so confident about those questions now. It looks like our hero's in trouble, but he always has a plan. He fakes a flood and pretends to be Belding, who cancels all midterms. Belding gives the three questions that Screech saw, and everything goes well until Testeverde shows up. Apparently he's an amateur plumber and wants to help with the crisis. Belding is wise to the plan, and Testeverde gives the real questions.

The grades are in, and everyone did terribly. Kelly gets a C-, Lisa gets a D+, and Jessie flips out over a B. I really don't like her. Screech got an A because he cheated (He studied!), and Zack got an F-. Yeah, it was that bad. So Zack is now Slater's slave, and the first order of business is ordering a pizza. But don't worry, Zack orders it with extra anchovies! Hahahaha!

Screech's Woman

Cut to the Max. I guess it's time for the big project in science class, and Jessie and Slater are paired together. They decide on the ol' baking soda and vinegar volcano. Slater insists on calling it "Slater's Crater," while Jessie wants "Mount St. Jessie." Too soon, Jessie.

Zack and Screech are partners, and that's good news for Zack because Screech is doing all the work. Lisa walks in, and Screech decides to finally make his move. We see the awesome slow motion, walking towards each other scene, but Lisa is charging towards another guy (and yes, he's black). Screech is devastated.

Zack encourages Screech to get over her, and promises that he can find his friend a girl. But it's harder than he anticipates, because apparently girls don't like skinny, nerdy guys. Screech is really upset, and Zack panics. He claims that the perfect girl is going to call Screech at 3:30, but there's only one problem...there is no girl.

We're in the bathroom, and Zack calls from his cellphone, pretending to be "Bambi." He hits on Screech, and hilarity ensues. Belding is on the crapper, and he thinks "Bambi" is talking to him. Why does the principal use the locker room toilet anyways?

Screech is extremely excited about Bambi, but Zack informs him that Bambi can't meet him. The nerd protests by chaining himself to his locker. Oh boy. Belding blackmails Zack into fixing the Bambi situation.

There's clearly only one solution. Lisa and Jessie give Zack a makeover, and Zack becomes "Bambi." Cut back to the Max, and Screech is waiting on his dream girl. In walks Bambi, and boy, is she a sight. It's hard to believe his best friend wouldn't recognize him in drag. Anyways, "Bambi" makes ridiculous demands of Screech, including ditching his best friend Zack. That's a deal breaker, and Screech realizes that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Screech finishes the project, and I assume Zack got an A without any work (other than dressing in drag).

QUOTES!

Belding: The men's room is one of the few doors education shouldn't open for you.

Belding: It's hero worship, rockstars, ballpayers, principals, heck we excite people!

Dancing to the Max

Editor's note: We're finally finished with the Tori episodes. Thank god. Now we're back to season 1, with a few episodes I missed at the beginning.

We're at the Max, and Max announces that he has an important telegram. It seems that "Dance Party" is going to host a dance competition at the Max, and it's hosted by the one and only Casey Kasem. Being the dancer that he is, Slater is instantly excited. He asks Kelly to be his partner and then puts on a dancing exhibition. Kelly decides there will be a Dancing Duel between Zack and Slater, with the winner getting Kelly's hand.

There's a cool scene where the gang is in band, and when the teacher's away, they really rock out. I bet they have a future in rock n roll.

Zack confides in Jessie that he can't dance. He needs some help, and apparently she's going to train him. Casey Kasem shows up in Belding's office, and I believe this is the first time we get a reference to "The Big Bopper" Richie Belding. He has a pretty mean twist.

Zack's dance moves are coming along pretty quick, thanks to his dance instructor Jessie. I bet she shows those moves off on a stage someday.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Jessie is growing taller and taller every second, and she's too big to be a dance partner. She's afraid that she's too tall and awkward to enter the dance competition.

Lisa sprained her ankle, so it looks like she's out of the dance competition. Bummer. Zack decides that he wants Jessie to be his dance party. So the stage is set for the epic showdown. Zack and Jessie vs. Slater and Kelly.

Slater and Kelly, as "The Spandex Twins," have a pretty awesome dance. I think AC learned all those moves on Kids, Incorporated. "The Powerhouse Preppies" are next, and they have an equally good routine. However, the third couple takes the cake. Screech and Lisa have invented a new dance called "The Sprain," and the applause-o-meter goes off the charts. The crowd loves it!

QUOTES!

Casey Kasem: Well that's a good night from us here at Dance Party everybody. Until next time, this is Casey Kasem saying "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars." Come on everybody. Let's do the...the...The Sprain!

Day of Detention

Great news! Rappin' Ken Kelly is broadcasting from the Max all afternoon, and he's giving away a trip to Hawaii. Zack is on his phone in class, and Belding gets super pissed. No more cell phone calls in school for Zack. Lisa hears that they're taking the tenth caller at 2pm to win that trip to Hawaii.

Zack rigs the phones at the Max with Screech's help. He's the tenth caller, and all he needs to do is show up to the Max at 4. But Belding catches him, takes away his phone, and gives him detention. Zack enlists Slater's help, but he's a horrible actor. Belding's wise to the plan, and throws Slater in detention too. Tori and Lisa get roped in, and now everyone's in detention.

Zack gives it one last-ditch effort, and it's a familiar plan. He grosses out Belding. Meanwhile, Screech pretends to be Zack and shows up at the Max (Much like myself, these writers are just mailing it in now). However, Screech screws up, and he's in detention now too. Belding has been working on a bonsai tree, and apparently Screech is an expert. He distracts Belding while Zack sneaks out. He blows through the first two questions, and then Belding knows he skipped.

Zack doesn't answer the third question correctly, and to add insult to injury, Belding shows up to bust him at the Max. Even worse? Belding answers the third question (answer: bonsai), and he wins the trip to Hawaii.

School Song

We're getting close to graduation, and Lisa is trying to come up with a class gift. Last year's class bought a VCR. Now that's class. Cut to choir practice, and they butcher the school song. (Side note: What happened to the Glee Club? I guess they need Mr. Tuttle back in charge). The problem's that it's too old fashioned, so Lisa proposes they create a new school song as their class gift.

Everyone rips on Zack, basically calling him a con-artist and a liar. He's concerned, because no one wants to be remembered as the school's biggest goof off, so he needs to clear his name. His plan? Create the awesomest school song in the history of school songs. All by himself. You see, the gang was going to work together, but Zack sabotages their plans. Everyone gets pissed at each other, and now it seems that it's a contest to create the best school song.

Zack has a super awesome, rocking, guitar-driven school song, and everyone loves it. But somehow Screech gets the same amount of votes. Zack needs to persuade the nerd vote if he wants to win. He seduces poor Louise, and the gang knows what he's up to. They decide to pull a Zack Morris and sabotage his song performance. Their secret? Super-sour lemonade. Brilliant. Zack chokes it at the performance.

The gang has improved Screech's song, and it's awesome.

It seems like only yesterday we started.

But soon we'll put away our books and pens.

We'll go on with our live once we have parted,

But how can we say farewell to our friends?

The double dates, the parties and the dances,

Cramming for a midterm until 3,

The football games, the Max and the romances,

Soon Bayside will be just a memory.

Our four years here have all become unraveled,

And so our high school story finally ends.

But years from now, no matter where we've traveled,

We'll all look back and thank about our friends.

That's a piece of beauty folks.

Class Rings

It's time to buy the senior class rings, and Zack decides to take care of it. I love the guy, but I don't think I'd trust my money with Zack Morris. Lisa complains about how annoying Screech is, and Tori doesn't think he's that bad. Tori agrees to go on a date with Screech, and if she can survive, Lisa has to have sex with him. Or something like that.

Cut to the Max. Zack has a meeting with Gem Diamond, his ring guy. Zack haggles Gem down, and he gets a great price on the class rings. The rings come in overnight, and they look great. This Gem Diamond character must be legit.

Too bad the rings leave a green stain. They're clearly not real gold, and Zack clearly got ripped off. Tori seduces Screech while Zack devises a plan. They get Gem to show up at the Max, and Zack gives him a song and dance about how he's impressed how Gem ripped him off. Zack proposes that they become partners, and Slater will be the muscle. Screech shows up all pissed off, and Slater lets him beat him up. Gem pisses his pants, and agrees to give everyone free, genuine gold rings. Screech is a hero!

QUOTES!

Gem: What's the A.C. stand for?

Slater: Abnormally Cruel.

The Will

Zack and Tori are now the hottest couple at Bayside. You've come a long way since Kelly Kapowski, Preppy. Screech is a member of the miniature golf team now. I had no idea there are high school miniature golf teams. Anyways, the school is in the middle of a big time budget crunch. Things are looking grim until Mr. Belding announces that the inventor of elastic waistbands for underwear, a Bayside alumnus, has left the school ten grand in his will.

There's a big convocation to decide what the school will do with the money. Zack and Slater suggest spending it on the sports program. But that doesn't include womens athletics. Tori and Lisa are super pissed, so Belding devises a fool-proof plan. His brilliant idea? A battle of the sexes for the $10,000.

It's a 2 out of 3 falls match folks! The first event is a scavenger hunt for puzzle pieces. The guys narrowly solve the puzzle before the girls, and they take an early 1-0 lead.

The guys have an awesome victory chant, straight out of the 90's. We bad, we bad, we-we-we bad!

In event 2, the teams have to put back together a carburetor. Slater is very confident, but that dyke Tori is able to put hers back together first. The girls tie it at 1-1, and it's going to come down to the deciding third event.

Zack's sources inform him that the third and finals event is a bakeoff. While that could spell doom for the guys, Zack has a plan. Screech replaced the girls' oven knob with a fake, and they burn their cake. Congratulations to the guys, the winners of 10 grand!

We bad, we know it. We bad, we show it.

Cut to the Max. Lisa can't figure out what went wrong, and Screech lets it slip that the guys cheated. The girls decide to be total bitches about it, and they all reject the guys at school. No money for sports, no sex.

It's dance time (because they have a dance every week at Bayside), and it looks like a middle school dance. The guys and girls are standing on opposite sides of the gym, and the only thing missing is A to Z Music. The guys come clean, and Tori proposes a stupid limbo contest to decide the real winner. The girls win, so at least now there's plenty of money for tampons or whatever it is girls spend their money on.

QUOTES!

Slater: We're talking about guys' teams. You know, the real sports at the school?

Tori: Wait a minute. Are you saying that girls' sports don't count?

Zack: No, no, no. Of course not. Girls' sports count. Just not enough to get money.

Slater: That's because our sports bring in the money that pay for your dumb sports. Like softball.

Slater's Sister

Zack tells us how cool the 50's were, so apparently there's going to be a sock hop at the Max. So cool. Ginger is now a waitress at the Max, and the gang sings their order to her. That's right. Apparently the gang is now a doo-wop group. Wow. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer the Zack Attack to the Five Aces. Oh, and Slater's sister is coming to town too.

Her name is J.B. (What's with the Slater family and initials for names?), and she's a babe. Zack takes an immediate interest in her, and I'm pretty sure she's DTF. Slater's super pissed, and will do anything to stop Zack and JB from going out. He's so desperate that he pulls the old "pretending to choke on popcorn" routine to end the movie double date.

The failed date doesn't stop Zack. He asks JB to the sock hop, and she's pretty excited. Meanwhile, Belding tells the guys that he loves them. Apparently he he went to a male sensitivity seminar and now he wants to hold one during gym class. Only the person holding the talking stick can share his emotions, and we have a few breakthroughs. Big Pete is upset because he's a dork, and Ox is upset because he's a jock. And Slater's super-pissed because Zack wants to bone his sister.

Zack takes JB to Lookout Point, but there's a problem. When he makes a move to seal the deal, he sees AC's face in place of JB's. And he's telling Preppy that he better not touch her. He's freaked out and calls it off.

But JB is super-pissed because Slater's ruining her love life. Slater feels awful, and he gives the couple his blessing. It seems JB and Zack are now a couple, but we never see or hear from JB ever again.

Four of the Five Aces completely rock the sock hop, as Tori is completely awkward and awful. And it's not a real life situation, as if this were really the 50's, Lisa wouldn't be allowed in the Max, let alone in a doo wop group!

QUOTES!

Belding: So instead of just exercising our bodies, we're going to exercise our emotions.

Slater: Just watch out for this guy at the drive in. They don't call him "Steam Up the Windows Morris" for nothing.

Earthquake

Belding is either hyperventilating or practicing his breathing techniques. I guess Mrs. Belding is having a baby soon, and Zack is running a "Baby Belding Pool." Unfortunately, Zack is too busy with the pool to remember the big physics midterm. In the 11th hour, he's saved by a routine earthquake drill. Everyone takes shelter under their desks, but Tori is scared to death. I guess they don't have earthquakes wherever she's from.

So we're stuck with Tori bitching about earthquakes the entire episode. And Belding shows up to the Max with the wife. Apparently she's getting pregnancy cravings. Zack is still concerned about the midterm, so he does what everyone should do...He puts it off for as long as possible. Zack gets the great idea to throw Becky Belding a baby shower during the exam.

The baby shower is a success, and Zack offers to help load the gifts. As they get in the elevator, TRAGEDY STRIKES! It's a good ole fashioned California earthquake, and boy, is this one massive. The one bonus? We get to see a shirtless A.C. Slater roaming the halls. Tori screams "I'm gonna die." If only we were so lucky.

Anyways, Zack, Tori and Mrs. Belding are stuck in the elevator. And Mrs. B is having her baby! And Belding and Screech are stuck in his office. Slater karate kicks the door down (what a stud!). Anyways, Zack is forced into being the birthing coach because Tori is frozen with fear. She's so worthless. Zack delivers a healthy baby boy and Screech wins the baby pool (for those of you who had a baby pool pool).

QUOTES!

Zack: (to Belding) You'll do fine sir! No one blows hot air like you do.

Belding: I can outmaneuver Heimlich!

Drinking and Driving

Here we go people. It's been a while, but we have another first-ballot Hall of Famer here. And if you're not careful, you might just learn a valuable lesson.

It's Homecoming time, and Lisa wins homecoming queen. Slater plans a big party at Ox's house for Thursday night because his parents will be out of town. They're acting like a bunch of animals, so Tori suggests that they have a toga party.

It's party time, and boy, you should see Zack in his toga. Ox suggests they trash the place, forgetting that it's at his house. It's a fairly tame party, until...

THE BEER IS HERE!

Slater cracks open a beer for his toast, and peer pressures Zack into drinking as well. Tori and Screech don't drink (because they're really lame). Tori leaves her friends at the party, and Zack, Lisa and Slater are all drunk. Screech offers to drive, but apparently a drunk Zack is a better driver than a sober Screech. Plus, Lisa's mom is out of town and they have her Mercedes."Wild Thing" is on the radio, and the gang is having a blast singing along. Lisa starts to feel sick, and Zack's not paying attention to the road. They skid off and hit a telephone pole.

They get the car back to Zack's house, and Derek Morris comes out to see what the fuss is all about. Zack admits to the accident, but claims a dog ran in front of the car. Lisa calls from Zack's phone and pretends to be her mother. So far, so good.

It's the next morning at school, and everyone is hungover. And Slater has some news that's going to make them feel worse. It's going to cost $1000 to fix the car. But don't worry, Zack has a plan. He sells advertising space on Slater's uniform for the homecoming game.

Slater is able to fix the car, but there's bad news. Slater's shoulder is really hurt from the crash, and now he can't play in the Homecoming game. Lisa's mom comes home early, and they can't get her car to start. Derek Morris comes out, and talks about the accident. Zack can't keep the lies straight anymore, and he comes clean about everything.

Derek is super pissed. He grounds Zack and takes away his car, and Zack learns a valuable lesson. If you're going to drink in high school, don't let your parents find out about it.

QUOTES!

Derek Morris: I'll help you get this car to Lisa's house in the morning.

Lisa: You can't!

Zack: That's right. Her garage is full of boxes.

Slater: Tools.

Screech: Homeless people!

Zack: That's boxes of tools for homeless people.

Mr. Belding: It's not every day that a truck load of bananas spills all over the freeway. I'm just glad your mother is alright. Terrible thing about the monkeys, though.

We learn that Lisa's middle name is Marie. That's right, her name is Lisa Marie. And I thought Screech's parents were the big Elvis fans.

Masquerade Ball

It's time for Bayside's annual Masquerade Ball. (How many dances can one school have, anyways?). We're in Mrs. Culpepper's art class, and the class is assigned to sculpt a statue of another human being. Zack offers to model nude (I assume), and Tori, being the raging biker feminist she is, tells the guys what pigs they are. To prove her wrong, Zack and Slater make a $50 bet to see who can kiss her first.

Slater asks Tori to be his model, and he tries to pull a Pearl Harbor job to land a kiss. It doesn't work, and now it's Zack's turn. He tries to kiss her the old fashioned way, by taking her out on a date. She's definitely DTF, but Zack pulls away because he feels guilty. Zack loves Tori!

Meanwhile, there's a mixup with some love letters. Screech is writing secret admirer letters to Lisa. She thinks they're from Zack. Belding thinks they're from Mrs. Culpepper.

(Speaking of Mrs. Culpepper, why does SBTB always make fun of handicapped people? There's deaf Mrs. Simpson, wheelchair Melissa and blind Mrs. Culpepper. Ridiculous.)

Lisa runs to tell Tori about Zack's crush, but Tori is devastated. Screech talks to her about it, and lets it slip that the only reason Zack took her out is to win the bet. Tori gets super pissed and devises a plan.

Okay, I'll try my best to keep this all straight. Lisa and Tori read a letter from the secret admirer and he says he'll be going to the ball as Gumby. So they think Zack will be Gumby. Tori confronts Slater about the bet, and tells him that she wants him to win the bet. Slater will be an astronaut , and Tori says she'll be dressed as Gumby. At the ball, Tori, thinking it's Zack, tells Gumby that Lisa is dressed as an astronaut. Meanwhile, Lisa said she'd be in a cat costume, so Zack confesses his love for Tori to her. But Tori is also dressed as a cat, so Zack really just told Tori (who he thought was Lisa) that he likes her. Gumby and the astronaut share a dance and a kiss. Screech and Slater are shocked and embarrassed. Tori kisses Zack, so I guess he wins the $50 bucks. Does any of this make sense to anyone? I'm still confused.

QUOTES!

Zack: I'm serious. It's not the right thing to do to a girl.

Slater: Hey, I'm not kissing any guys!

Teen Line

The senior class is looking for a community service project, and Slater recommends dating more. Great idea. Apparently that's not good enough for Belding, so Tori suggests a teen line. She's either seen the show before, or she's a big fan of this blog. Very original idea Tori; the only difference this time is that Zack's not making any money off of it.

There are a few rules at the teen line, and the biggest is you definitely cannot ask to meet face to face. Zack answers a call and actually uses his real name. I was waiting for Nitro. Anyways, a girl calls in complaining that her parents don't treat her like an adult, and Zack suggests setting her clocks back two hours. He then asks her out on a date, which is a big no-no. But that doesn't stop him, and he meets Melissa at the Max. He's digging her, but there's one big problem. She's in a wheelchair!

Zack lets the gang know right away that she's handicapped, but they shouldn't treat her any differently. Great. Except Zack continuously freaks out about her condition. He can't believe that she gave good advice, and he causes a stink at the movie theater because some jerk parked in the handicapped space. Handicapped people are people too Zack!

Belding has some unfortunate news. The school's budget has been cut, and all non-essential school programs have to go. And that means no more Teen Line. Why don't they just get a 900 number and charge two bucks a call? Anyways, the gang thinks of some ideas to raise money and save the teen line. They decide to play a wheelchair basketball game, and it's a big success. Tori thanks the crowd, and then Zack has a few words.

I want another round of applause, for the real star of the game. The only one who has to be in a wheelchair all the time, Melissa Donahue!

Very sensitive, Preppy. Melissa just wants to be treated like a normal person, and makes Zack feel like a real dick. He learns a lesson, and we're all better people at the end of this episode.

QUOTES!

Slater: I could try to date more. That would serve all the chicks in the community.

Zack: Whoa! You're in a wheelchair!

Zack: Even though she's handicapped, she gave Cathy perfect advice!

Zack: Excuse me sir. Would you mind slumping down? My date's in a wheelchair.

The New Girl

I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news? There are still some episodes to recap. The bad news? They're Tori episodes.

Zack walks in and he's furious. Someone had the audacity to park in his space. Ridiculous. And you want to know the worst part? It's a chick. And she's sassy. And she's not impressed by Zack Morris. I guess this new hardcore biker chick is part of the gang now. Okay.

Zack does the logical thing, and complains to Belding. Unfortunately, Belding doesn't sympathize with Preppy. Meanwhile, apparently it's Fall Ball time. Zack looks for a loophole in the student handbook while the Fall Ball committee attempts to come up with a theme. Slater suggests a basketball theme, which I happen to think would be awesome. Tori has a brilliant idea, as she suggests a fall harvest. What a novel idea! Pumpkins and leaves at a FALL BALL.

We're in class, and it's time to team up. Screech is apparently tired of doing all the work for Zack, so our hero is forced to partner with the new girl. Their project is to create a marketing plan for a computer date book. Meanwhile, Lisa is a real bitch to the rest of the dance committee, and they quit. This seems really familiar. Anyways, Lisa enlists Tori to help, and admits that without Kelly and Jessie, Tori is her only friend.

It's time to present the projects, and Tori is nowhere to be found. Zack starts the project without her. He's bombing without her until he improvises the ad campaign. Tori runs in and admits she overslept. But if she had a computer date book, she would never oversleep again! A's for everyone!

Tori is really grateful, but Zack wants nothing to do with her. I don't blame him. Why would the most eligible bachelor at Bayside want a dykey biker chick? And it seems she has a crush on him now. She follows Zack to the Max, and basically insults him. Yeah, that will get you a date.

It's time for the Fall Ball, and Lisa does a great job decorating. Zack is there with Ginger, who happens to look a lot like Miss Veronica Vaughn (She is one piece of ace). Tori shows up actually dressed as a woman, and she relentlessly hits on Zack. Her flirting skills definitely need some work, but I guess she doesn't have time for that in shop class.

Lisa makes Zack feel like a total idiot because he won't give Tori a shot. He apologizes for some reason, and the two start all over brand new. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship!

Isn't It Romantic/Time Capsule

I'm combining two episodes together because they're both clip shows. That's where the producers are too lazy to make an original episode, so they just show old clips while the characters reminisce. Boring. Come on Peter Engel, you're better than this.

In the first episode, the gang is assembled at the Max and it's Valentine's Day. We are reminded of the once-great love between Zack and Kelly, and the efforts Morris went to to win her heart. They even show Kelly breaking his heart to go out with that bastard Jeff (No, I'm never going to get over it). There's also some time-killing material showing Slater and Jessie's past, and the boring icing on the cake is showing Screech's sad attempts to win Lisa's heart. Pathetic.

In the Next Episode, we're in Belding's office. It's 2003, and a gang of students has discovered a time capsule from the class of 1993. The '03 class looks pretty familiar. There's a Mexican guy, a blonde with a smart mouth, a dork, a feminist and the token black girl. The only thing we're missing is the popular cheerleader.

Anyways, Belding opens the time capsule, and wouldn't you know it? The class of 1993 did something different; they left a videotape!

There are plenty of Belding highlights before they waste our time again with video of Screech stalking Lisa. Man, this episode is Screech-heavy. Anways, here are some of the clip highlights:

-Jessie's caffeine addiction

-"Barbara Ann"

-Slater quitting cooking club to beat Nedick

We're left with some parting advice from the class of 1993.

Jessie: Take care of our planet, so that the kids in 2103 can enjoy it as much as we do. Peace and love.

Slater: Bayside was the first real home I ever had. Be good to it, or I'll come and get you.

Lisa: All of my fashion secrets are taped to the back of my old locker, number 144. In the meantime, keep on rocking Bayside.

Screech: Class of 2003, let me leave you with one wise thought. Be kind to geeks, dweebs and nerds. Ten years from now, they'll be the ones with all the money.

Kelly: No matter what happens, keep on smiling. And when life hands you a lemon, make some lemonade.

Zack: High school is the best time of your life. Love it, live it and enjoy it. If you have any time left, do some homework.

Graduation

The gang has completed their finals, and the realization that they'll never take another test at Bayside has sunk in. Zack's obviously excited, and Kelly is heartbroken. It's also time for the senior ballet recital, "Swan Pond."

Zack goes to Belding's office expecting a tearful goodbye. But there's only one problem. Zack's not graduating. It seems Zack is one credit short of graduating, and it's too late to make up the credit. It looks like summer school for our blonde hero. But he's determined to graduate on time, and he heads back to Belding's office to give the performance of a lifetime.

Zack seems ready for summer school, until Big Pete walks in with a pulled muscle. Unless Belding finds a replacement, the ballet is off. He asks Zack to fill in, and offers that one credit required for graduation. Everything worked out, right?

There are big problems. Jessie's not the valedictorian. It's Screech, and she will flip out if all of her hard work hasn't paid off. Screech is the first person in the history of the award to turn it down. Also, the nerds came down with the flu, and the ballet is off. That means Zack won't graduate.

Zack, being the blonde mastermind that he is, always has a plan. He gets Screech and Slater to fill in for the nerds. Swan Pond is on! Hilarity ensues, although this commentator thinks AC should have been the star of the show.

After the show, the gang is sitting in the stairwell, and the finality of it all finally sets in. Everyone is extremely sad, except for Zack. He can't wait to get out. And Lisa spills the beans that Screech is the real valedictorian.

It's graduation time, and Belding seems a little biased towards this class. That doesn't seem fair. Also, Jessie becomes the first student in the history of the award to turn down being valedictorian when she hands the award over to Screech. Make up your minds people. Then, for some reason, Zack gets to give a speech.

You know, it's funny. I thought the last day of high school would be the happiest day of my life. Until I realized what I'd be leaving, my friends. See, that's what Bayside means to me. Not just girlfriends, though I'll miss all 86 of you. No, I'm talking about those people who are always there when you need them. Like when your parents ground you for borrowing the car and not bringing it all home. Or a girl you'd die to go out with tells you to drop dead. Or better yet, when you're a credit short of graduating, and your friends stand up for you no matter how ridiculous you look. I'm lucky. I have the greatest friends.

Give me a second to wipe the tears from my eyes. Okay. Belding finally gets the awesome handshake right, and he and Zack share a tender hug. The gang tosses their caps in the air, and I feel lost. What am I going to do now that the gang has graduated? Until next time, America.

QUOTES!

Belding: If you can't trust your principal, who can you trust?

Screech's Spaghetti Sauce

Belding is teaching communications class, because apparently being a teacher is all about communication. There's a new girl named Robin, and she looks a lot like Punky Brewster. For their project, Zack proposes a morning talk show, called Wake-Up L.A. Brilliant. This gives him an excuse to wear an awesome 90's blazer. Lisa co-anchors. Jessie, of course, is the hard-hitting reporter, and Kelly is the hot weathergirl. Screech gets his own cooking show, and Slater is his assistant. Screech makes an awesome spaghetti sauce, and Zack immediately exploits it for a profit.

They steal beakers from the chemistry lab, and set up an assembly line. Things go comically wrong because of Screech, and then they film a horrible commercial. If I were Italian, I would be offended. There are several parallels though: Slater's character is named Mario, Jessie is his "Mama," and when Screech rings the doorbell, Slater says "Saved by the bell." Awesome stuff there.

The sauce is selling like hotcakes, and Robin and Screech are hot and heavy. He showers her with gifts, and she seems a little ungrateful. There's another problem. It seems Screech's secret family recipe is stolen from the Betsy Crocker cookbook. Uh oh.

The party's over, and now Screech knows about Robin's greed. And Belding's pissed too. He knows that the gang used school supplies to sell the sauce, and he wants his money. There aren't any profits left because Screech spent it all on Robin, but don't worry. Zack thinks of an elaborate plan on his feet. He's so clever.

Cut to the Max, and Screech is with Robin. He tells her that he wants to sell the recipe, and in walks Zack dressed as a German I guess. There's a bidding war for the recipe, and the greedy Robin buys it for a steep 2 grand. I can only assume she gets sued. But isn't it illegal for the gang to sell a recipe that they don't really own? I swear, there are at least a dozen times where Zack Morris should go to jail.

QUOTES!

Belding: Being a principal is all about communication.

Zack: I thought being a principal meant sleeping in your office all day.

Senior Prom

Everybody knows Senior Prom is the biggest night of high school. Zack has the tux, he's got the money, and now all he needs is "one hot honey." The only problem is, no one has money for prom tickets (It's probably because Jessie is selling them for 50 bucks a pop!).

Zack is looking for a babe to take to the prom, but for some reason he can't bring himself to ask any girls. Probably because he's smitten over Kelly again. Meanwhile, not surprisingly, Screech can't get a date either.

Morris finally asks Kelly but there's a problem. She already said yes to Matt Wilson. I don't really know Matt, but I bet he's a real asshole. It looks like it won't matter, because Jessie hasn't sold enough tickets. Belding calls off the prom. Bummer.

But don't worry. Zack has a brilliant idea. Why not just have the prom in the gym? It's already set up for "Oklahoma," and they can just have a square dance. So traditional. The next order of business is breaking up Matt and Kelly. He tells some lies, and Matt dumps Kelly. Lisa feels sorry for Screech and asks him out. Talk about a reversal of roles!

We've got a big problem. Jessie and Slater just got locked in the boiler room! And Kelly knows about Zack's plan. She dumps him! I figured she would just wait until during the prom to break up, just the time she dumped him for that asshole Jeff.

We're at the prom, and Jessie and Slater are still locked in the boiler room. They crank up the heat, but Belding just cranks up the air conditioning (I would have just said "AC," but you readers would have been confused). It's time for the big Bayside square dance, and miraculously everyone knows how to perfectly square dance. They must have studied it in gym class like I had to.

Zack admits that he still loves Kelly, and Kelly agrees that they belong together. Meanwhile, Jessie and Slater share a steamy boiler room kiss (See what I did there?). The traditional couples share their final dance at Bayside. How touching. However, I can almost guarantee these new romances won't last. In typical SBTB fashion, I bet they're forgotten by the next episode.

Teacher's Strike

It's Acadmic Bowl time, and for some reason Lisa is on the team. I don't get it; I doubt there are any fashion questions. Meanwhile, Slater and Zack plan on a skiing trip for winter break. There's also a potential teacher's strike looming, and Zack's obviously going to use this to his advantage.

Slater and Zack fake an interview to get some harsh quotes from Belding, and they play the doctored tape for Mr. Tuttle (who is leading the teacher's union). Tuttle gets super-pissed and confronts Belding, and the teachers strike. The plan is working out perfectly.

There's only one problem. Jessie is pissed because there will be no Academic Bowl during a teacher's strike. This is obviously a reason to stop the strike, right? Stupid. Zack and Slater make some concessions for Mr. Belding (including offering his office because there's no teachers' lounge and using his bonus to fund the Christmas party. Ridiculous). The strike is over, and the academic bowl is back on.

But things aren't fixed just yet. I guess Screech got sick on the skiing trip, and Bayside doesn't stand a chance without him!

Cut to the Max. Jessie serves the guys some milkshakes (Wait, what? Since when does Jessie work at the Max?), and they're looking for a replacement for Screech. The obvious answer? Well Zack Morris, of course! Screech tries to teach him everything he knows, including "MVEMJSUNP," the order of the planets. Also, Slater tutors the Valley team on sports (the wrong answers, of course!).

It's time for the big Academic Bowl. Valley dominates until the final round, where the points are tripled! The nerds know nothing about sports, and Zack dominates, sending it to overtime. The tiebreaking question, of course. is to name the planets in order. Thank god Screech taught Zack MVEMJSUNP! Bayside wins the Academic Bowl, and I assume Zack won some money. He bets on everything else.

QUOTES!

Mr. Tuttle: Winning isn't everything, but losing stinks!

Zack: You are talking to Zack Morris. Getting out of school is my middle name.

Student-Teacher Week

Friday is the big football city championship game against Valley. It also happens to be student-teacher week at Bayside. Based on written essays, students get to be teachers for an entire week. Why didn't they do this when I was in school? Anyways, Kelly gets to teach social studies, which is perfect because she's always wanted to be a teacher. Lisa and Screech teach gym, and Zack gets to be principal for a week after this stirring essay:

Why be a teacher when you could be a principal? It's the easiest job around. You don't do anything, ask Belding. The end.

His first act of business? Enlarging the peepholes in the girls locker room. Awesome. Screech walks around in a pink tank top. It's no wonder how Dustin Diamond got all the ladies. Slater tries to take advantage of "Miss Kapowski," but she's really hard on the football teachers. Jocks never get any breaks.

Meanwhile, Zack redecorates Belding's office, complete with the Michael Jordan basketball hoop and LL Cool J poster. Slater complains that Kelly would have the audacity to assign homework before the big game. Zack adopts an awesome "no test" policy, but Kelly refuses once she learns she was taken advantage of. Everyone boycotts the test, because it's obviously not fair.

Kelly complains to principal Zack, but he sides with the football team. He has a lot of money on the game! But he starts to feel guilty, and suspends all of the players who skipped the test (including Slater). The entire school gets pissed (understandably), until Slate realizes that he has been a real dick.

Zack concocts a clever idea. The players take Kelly's test during the game, and they all pass. Now it's time to beat Valley's ass. Congratulations to our city champions, the Bayside Tigers!

QUOTES!

Slater: Our tackling dummy is broken so all cute blondes are welcome to come in and fill out.

Screech: I'm Muscle Screech from Muscle Beach, but starting tomorrow you can call me teach.

Wrestling with the Future

We're live at the Max, and Zack is there with KKTY Bayside to cover Slater becomming all-city champion. Next up, the State Championship. It's also college acceptance time, and Jessie is flipping out. She hasn't heard back from any of her schools. What a dumbass!

The wrestling coach from Iowa shows up, and he offers Slater a full wrestling scholarship. He can't wait to tell his father! But Major Slater has other ideas. He wants his son to attend West Point. Robert E. Lee. Norman Schwarzkopf. AC Slater. It has a great ring to it. The only problem is Slater doesn't want to be a military man. He wants to wrestle damnit!

Zack has another brilliant plan. He poses as Slater for the meeting with a congressman, and bombs it. He plays the part of the overly-excited military guy, who's only dream is to go to war. I knew some of these guys. Messed up. Anyways, Slater's excited because he can go to Iowa.

Jessie is pissed because she keeps getting denied by all the top schools. Don't worry, there's always Stansbury. Meanwhile, Belding figures out that Slater bombed it on purpose, and he knows it was Zack. They set up an elaborate plan, and Zack and Slater are "arrested" by military police. After they learn their lesson, Belding convinces Slater that he has to talk to his dad.

He comes clean to his father, and the Major is pissed. The state championship is tomorrow, and he's not going. Bummer.

The gang is talking about college, and Jessie finally gets accepted to Columbia. We learn that Zack plans on attending Yale in the fall. Damn SAT's. Slater is still bummed when his dad shows up before the championship match. The major just wants his son to be happy, and I assume that Slater wins the state championship. Eat that, Mike Dailey.

QUOTES!

Belding: Sometimes, the truth hurts. But in the long run, lies hurt more.

Major Slater: My CO went AWOL with a GI from the PX. I gotta go ASAP. See you A.C.

Bayside Triangle

Zack has a revelation about high school. After graduation, you never have to come back. Genius. Anyways, Screech is still after Lisa, and Zack encourages him. Lisa has an interview with the Fashion Institute, and Zack has the idea to have a fashion show to impress them.

That Zack Morris is really impressive. He convinces the manager of the Max to have the big fashion show there, but there's a catch. Screech wants to emcee the event, and Lisa grudgingly agrees. Zack shows off an awesome 90's suit that Lisa handmade. She must be really impressed with him, because they share a controversial interracial kiss! (For the record, Zack has now kissed Kelly, Jessie and Lisa. Bravo Preppy).

It's fashion show time, and Lisa is flipping out. Zack calms her down with another kiss, and Screech sees the whole thing. (I know Lisa is kind of hot Zack, but how could you do this to your best friend? Seriously. Dick move).

Screech does his best job to sabotage the show with a bunch of anti-Lisa and Zack one-liners. He accuses Zack of ruining his life and storms off. Hell hath no fury like a broken-hearted Geek.

Good news! Although the fashion show was a wreck, Lisa's clothes speak for themselves. She gets accepted to FIT, but Screech is still broken-hearted. Zack tries to talk to him, but Screech is having none of it. And he wants to fight!

Zack refuses to fight, but Screech insists. He knocks his books out of his hands, stomps on his foot, and rips his shirt. Zack acts like a real pussy and concedes. He agrees not to date Lisa, but she's pissed. She pretty much tells him off, and all of a sudden Screech pulls a 180. He encourages the two to date, and we're led to believe they become a couple. Except we never hear about the two as an item again.

QUOTES!

Screech: Thank you Zack, for destroying my life.

Screech: Morris! You've got an appointment with fate, and fate's got curly hair!

Zack: Come on Screech. This is ridiculous. Can't we work this out another way?

Screech: In other words you're chickening out. I guess that yellow streak extends from your hair all the way down your back.

Fight

(Editor's note: I know the last couple episodes have really sucked. But boy, does this one make up for it!)

It's the first day of school, and Zack is actually psyched! Why? Because he's finally a senior, and there are all kinds of awesome perks apparently. Belding shows up with a new look, and I think he looks younger and hipper (It might be the hairpiece).

It's also time for the Senior Kickoff party, and everyone is concerned about getting a date. Lisa meets a nice young black fellow (her parents would be proud) and asks him to the party.

There's a new girl in school, and she's from Idaho. That must mean she's really naive and dumb. Zack sees her first and macks. Slater meets her in class and macks. I smell trouble.

Cut to the Max. Kelly finds out that Lisa's new man is a freshman! That's social suicide. Meanwhile, Zack and Slater realize they're after the same girl, and they rush to ask her out. Zack pulls the ole "pull the chair out from under them when they go to sit down," and Slater looks like a real idiot. Bravo Preppy.

Zack sets up a study date with Joanna, while Slater sets up a movie date. Slater shows up to Zack's house and totally wrecks his date. What a dick. To pay him back, Zack pays off a girl to pretend to be Slater's mom so she'll wreck his movie date. I haven't seen tactics this dirty since they were both fighting over Kelly Kapowski.

We're back in school, and Slater confronts Zack. What follows could be the most awesome exchange in the history of SBTB:

Slater: Hey Zack, last night at the movies you went too far.
Zack: I just helped a mother get together with her son. What's so wrong about that?

Slater: Wrecking my date with Joanna wasn't funny

Zack: Oh, like it was funny wrecking my study date the night before?

Slater: Hey you started it man, making me look like a jerk at the Max.

Zack: That's what you are.

Slater: What did you say?

Zack: You heard me. Get out of my face.

Slater: And what if I don't, punk?

Zack: Then I'll just have to make you, punk.

Zack shoves Slater, he shoves back, Zack punches Slater in the face, and Slater tackles him to the ground. Slater throws in a punch to the face before Belding breaks it up.

We're in Belding's office, and he can't believe that good friends like Zack and Slater are fighting. Belding makes them shake hands, and they feign a truce to get him off their backs. Something tells me this isn't over.

We're at the Senior Kickoff party, and I smell trouble as Zack and Slater both show up. They both head to the punch bowl, and Zack pours punch down Slater's shirt. Slater pours punch down Zack's pants. Round 2!!! Belding steps in, and his toupee falls into the punch. This is enough for the two to apologize and become BFF again.

QUOTES!

Slater: Hey you started it man, making me look like a jerk at the Max.

Zack: That's what you are.

All In the Mall

U2 is in town, and they're selling tickets at the mall. And boy, you should see this line. But as always, Zack has a plan. Screech has been sleeping at the mall since last night, and has the first spot in line (We used to do this for Opening Day, although I doubt Screech was getting drunk). He's offered seats in either the mezzanine or orchestra, and can't decide, so he runs off to ask Zack. That dimwit! He lost his place in line.

While the gang is waiting for Screech, Lisa finds a mysterious black bag with $5,000 in it. Zack has the great idea to buy as many U2 tickets as possible, and then scalp them for all they're worth. I wish I didn't have a conscious either. By the time they get to the window, the tickets are sold out. Bummer. Now what Preppy?!

Apparently they've announced another U2 concert. How convenient. And tickets go on sale at 9am tomorrow, so the gang plans on camping out in the mall. While Zack is handing out ridiculously large wads of cash, two creepy dudes spy on them. I wonder what they want. These dudes follow the gang everywhere. My guess? Killers out for revenge because they stole their 5 grand.

After camping out in the sporting goods store, they try to buy 50 tickets to the concert. But there's only one problem. Lisa can't find the money! They head to the shoe store and find the shoebox with the money, and those goons are still chasing them.

It seems this whole thing was for a tv show. The gang was on "Candid Video" the entire time! And the gang gets 5 front row tickets for the u2 concert! So I guess it was all worth it. Man this episode sucked.

Rockumentary

The theme of off-beat episodes continues. Today, the gang's band, "Zack Attack" is the most popular group in the world. Awesome.

The "Friends Forever" tour is kicking off, and Casey Kasem is making his 2nd SBTB appearance ("Dancing to the Max"). It seems that Zack Attack, the awesome band featuring the entire gang (minus Jessie), has reached the top of the charts and they're at the top of the world. Casey Kasem profiles their courageous journey from Zack's garage to playing sold out shows all over the world.

The gang is practicing in the garage when fate walks by. Literally. A guy named Brian Fate is a record producer, and he thinks Zack Attack could be the next big group. We see just how easy it is to go from garage band to worldwide superstars. The band's first single, "Did We Ever Have a Chance," goes galactic, and things are going great. That is until some broad named Mindy shows up. It seems things are too good to be true, and in Yoko Ono style, she breaks up the band. There are multiple rumors flying all over the tabloids, and I'll give you one guess who the mole is. Yep, Screech blows it again. Zack quits the band, thus breaking up the entire group. Here's a breakdown of their new careers:

Zack: International star, although it's all about production and not the music

Slater: Motorcycle racer

Kelly: Actress

Lisa: American Gladiator, "Lethal Lisa"

Screech: Enlightened geek, dates a cheerleader

Jessie: Showgirl in Las Vegas (I assume)

After Slater has a terrible motorcycle accident, the gang assembles in his hospital room. Screech convinces everyone to become friends again, and the band is back together. The "Friends Forever" reunion tour is underway, and everyone is happy and famous again. Except Jessie.

We cut to Zack's garage, and the band is practicing for their first real paying gig. A bar mitzvah. Apparently the whole fame and fortune thing was just a hazy pink dream sequence. How unfortunate.

QUOTES!

Mindy: I think Zack is still waiting for the right girl to come along.

Slater: Me too. But in the meantime, I'm having a blast with the wrong ones!

Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda!

Mystery Weekend

This might be the weirdest SBTB episode of them all. I'll try my best.

The gang is assembled at Northwood Manor, because apparently Lisa won a mystery weekend trip from a radio contest. Everyone gets to play detective as the mystery unfolds. How fun! The first person to solve the mystery wins a cool $500. There's Mr. Jamison, our fearless leader, the butler, the piano player, and the obligatory slutty French maid.

The piano player is the first victim, and our game of whodunit is officially underway. Cause of death: poisoned drink. Zack thinks he knows who the killer is, and he thinks the butler killed him. It makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, the butler is literally stabbed in the back, and we have our second victim.

Meanwhile, someone stole a diamond necklace, and that's not part of the script! Jamison calls off the game, and the gang packs up and gets ready to head out. Lisa is freaking out because she thinks a real killer is on the loose. Things are getting exciting!

Zack goes to Jamison's office to pick up some vouchers for a free weekend, but it seems Jamison and Lisa have disappeared. The other guests walk in, and Zack is holding the prize money! Could he be our killer? The detective is there to talk to Zack, and his friends do a great job of painting him as a villain. So what if he kind of stole Belding's car? Or sold fake ID's at school? Or stole Valley's mascot?

The house goes on lockdown, and Zack, Screech and Slater find a secret passageway from their room to Jamison's office. Zack puts two and two together, and assembles the group. It seems he was the only one who knew that the game never actually stopped. He solves the mystery, and informs us that Jamison is the killer! Bravo Mr. Morris.

No Hope With Dope

As an esteemed blog writer (It's my blog, I'll say what I want), I feel it's my responsibility to inform the public and make this world a better place. I hope that we all learn a lesson after this episode.

Welcome to the mid-semester blues; there's no vacation in sight. Bummer. But things are about to get better for our beloved heroes. It seems Hollywood hunk Johnny Dakota has stopped in at Bayside, and he's looking to shoot an anti-drug PSA at a local high school. After an awesome choreographed rap that tells us how bad drugs are, Johnny decides that Bayside is the perfect school.

Everything is perfect at crystal-clean Bayside, until Zack and Slater find a joint in the bathroom. It seems Scud might have something to do with it (Also, he looks just like Ox). Shit! If Johnny finds out, he won't shoot the commercial at Bayside. While Zack is holding the joint, Johnny walks in. It looks like they've got some 'splaining to do. Johnny believes that they just found it, and everything is cool.

Johnny hosts a roundtable discussion about drug use. Slater makes an awesome Len Bias reference, and then Jessie has the audacity to mention her caffeine pill addiction. (Seriously Jessie? Len Bias was one of the most promising basketball players ever, only to have his career cut short because of coke overdose. You were addicted to fucking caffeine pills. I need four cups of coffee a day or I get a headache. Get over yourself).

Johnny invites the gang to his pad for a cool Hollywood party. Johnny starts hitting on Kelly hardcore. I guess movie stars hit on high school girls all the time. Slater can't seem to get a girl, and Screech claims to be Johnny's stunt double. He hurts himself recreating one of Johnny's famous scenes, and most of the gang decides to split. Kelly and Zack decide to hang with Johnny, and after they share a kiss, he offers Kelly a joint. It seems out Hollywood hunk is a hypocrite. I can't believe movie stars would do drugs. Ridiculous.

Johnny has the audacity to still attempt to shoot the anti-drug PSA, but Zack, being of such high moral fiber, tells Johnny off. The gang walks off the set, causing Johnny to get pissed and call off the shoot. I guess NBC won't be shooting a commercial at Bayside afterall. But wait! It seems Belding knows Brandon Tartikoff, the head of NBC. Apparently they were friends growing up, and both had their eyes on a young Becky Flugelman. Belding got the girl, and since she was the superintendent's daughter he got to be principal. I'm pretty sure that's how it works today too. Anyways, the gang records an awesome PSA after all, and we are all better people because of it.

QUOTES!

Johnny: Can you tell me how to get to the principal's office?

Zack: Oh sure, easy! Just moon a teacher

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Don't do drugs. There's no hope with dope. Duh!

Pipe Dreams

Everyone's taking biology together, and this semester they're studying the ecology of a pond. There are lots of different animals in the class from the pond behind the school. Zack walks in with an injured duck. It seems Preppy nailed it with a home run shot. Bravo. Hippie Jessie is pisseed (big shock there). Belding apparently knows this duck, and her name is Becky (I'm assuming he named her after his wife).

Exciting news! There are new field goal posts going in the football field. But you'll never guess what happens! Oil is squirting out everywhere from the football field, and that leads to a...

Hazy pink dream sequence! The kids are the richest students in Bayside, and they're spoiled rotten. Zack rings a bell, and Belding the Butler runs in. He dismisses the teacher because she had the audacity to teach! It seems that money and schools don't mix (especially according to Governor Daniels. Hey-o!).

It seems Bayside struck oil, and now they really are rich. It's convocation time, and the president of Calstar Oil is here to talk about a better Bayside. Everyone is extremely excited, except for Jessie. It seems the hippie wants to stop the drilling. Everyone tries to convince her how great oil is. It does so much for us!

Anyways, things are looking up, until there's a huge oil spill at Bayside. The guys rush out to the scene of the crime, and the place is a disaster. The worst part? Becky is dead. Those bastards! And what's the best way to get back at that jerk oil company? Stop the drilling of course. Who cares about all that precious oil money. Who cares about a more beautiful, better Bayside? Zack sure doesn't. He presents a stirring argument on why oil companies are bastards, and convinces everyone that an old, poor Bayside is better than a new, beautiful Bayside. I blame $3 gas on those selfish kids at Bayside.

QUOTES!

Zack: We want a bigger gym, and a cheerleader in every locker!

Check Your Mate

We're at the St. Murray's vs. Bayside chess match. And for some reason, KKTY is covering it. Chess on the radio. Seriously. Anyways, it comes down to the final match, and Screech is the anchor. Oh, and there are cheerleaders too. This is getting ridiculous. So, Screech puts on his lucky beret, and he's apparently invincible with it. Screech dominates, and Bayside is off to the finals next week against the hated Valley Bulldogs.

The Masters cousins, Vinnie and Guyguy, show up at the Max, and they want to wager on the big chess match. They bet $100, and Valley has a new transfer! It's a Russian transfer student, and he knows his chess. Screech is in trouble. After a quick pep talk, Screech talks some mad shit and triples the bet with Valley.

A reporter with "Chess Boy" magazine wants to interview Screech. He agrees, but she's secretly a Valley girl. Something bad is going to happen. During the interview, Screech tells her that it's impossible for him to win without his lucky beret.

Zack and Slater find a ransom note from Valley. They stole his lucky beret! There's no way Screech can beat the Russian now!

The guys try to fool Screech with a fake beret. He's convinced, and he can't wait to tell Violet about his change of fortune. But there's only one problem. She knows that the beret is a knock-off, and Screech is once again shattered, and there's no way they'll win the bet, right?

Wrong. You should know better. Zack Morris always has a backup plan. He and Slater kidnap the Russian, and lock him in a broom closet. Zack steals his clothes, and looks pretty convincing as a Russian chess master. He forfeits to Screech, but the commie hops out in his underwear. Belding makes them call off the bet, but Screech still isn't confident because he doesn't have his lucky beret. Violet shows up, and Screech beats the Russian. He's now up there with the 1980 Olympic hockey team and Rocky!

QUOTES!

Slater: There are some mysteries you just can't explain. Like, why does Sinead O'Connor have a hair dryer?

Cut Day

We're in the middle of a student council meeting. The nerds want a day of mourning for the 25th anniversary of the cancelling of "Gilligan's Island." I'm with them. Also, some hippie named Graham proposes that the students need to do something about all the plastic foam cups used in the school. But there's a bigger problem. Tomorrow is the annual Senior Cut Day, and Belding knows. And anyone caught skipping will get an unexcused absence, and ten absences means suspension. And guess who happens to already have nine absences? Zack needs a plan, but don't worry. The King of Cut Day will find a way out. He's so confident that he bets Slater $100 he can skip.

Zack pays off a nerd to lie about a ridiculously high overdue book fine. We're at the Max and Slater is hitting on Kelly big time. Zack shows up looking for his money, but Slater specifies that he has to skip out on every class of the day.

Belding's car is being towed because he parked it in a red zone. Guess who painted the curb? We're at the movies now, and Slater is bashing Jessie. If she's no fun, why is he dating her? Anyways, Zack pops in to say hello, and Slater and Kelly were getting pretty close. Trouble in paradise?

Belding thinks he finally caught Zack skipping, but he joins in on the hippie protest with Jessie and Graham. Genius. Jessie's upset because she's trying to save the world, and no one cares. But Grant feels the exact same way, and they share an embrace. What a cut day. Some people are ditching classes, and some people are ditching each other!

Time for a beach party. Slater's showing off some of his moves, and Kelly's showing off a lot more. Slater gives her a sunscreen rub down. Zack shows up dressed in a custodian jumpsuit and says the janitor is rocking a blonde wig in class. Brilliant.

Mrs. Culpepper gets a telegram, and she's won $2 million bucks in the lottery! Zack gets a call on his phone, and we learn Slater was behind the whole thing. Belding's staying in the class to make sure Zack doesn't cut out. There's no way Zack can win the bet now, right? Luckily, Belding skipped lunch and Zack just happens to have some chocolate covered grasshoppers from Screech. Belding runs off to the bathroom.

It's 3:30, and Zack comes in late. Looks like he owes Slater 100 smackers! But we have bigger issues people. Jessie shows up to the Max with Graham! Slater's not mad because he had such a great time with Kelly. Jessie and Slater decide to see other people, and everyone's happy. And, you guessed it people, we never see Graham again. It's a disturbing trend.

QUOTES!

Jessie: We were discussing the obvious benefits of a woman president. It's long overdue.

Zack: Yep, just like a woman. Always late.

Operation Zack

The basketball rally starts in a few minutes, but Zack is more concerned about an algebra take home test. That doesn't sound like the Preppy I know. Anyways, it's time for the game, and Belding wants to give some inspirational words:

Men, basketball is a metaphor for life. The basket, our goal. The ball, our hopes and dreams. The backboard is a chance to rebound those missed opportunities.

That still fires me up. Anyways, in the rush to get out to the court, Belding runs into Zack and twists his knee. After a thorough examination from Dr. Turtle, it's determined that Zack tore some cartilage in his knee and has to stay over night for examination. Belding feels awful, and he should because it's his fault. Zack gets him to finish his take home test for him. And to take his French test tomorrow. What a principal.

Zack needs surgery to fix his torn cartilage. And he's worried about it. We'd all be worried about minor knee surgery, right? There's also the old, "Let's turn on the tv with the remote! Oh wait! That controls the bed!" and hilarity ensues.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Zack's guardian angel Skippy is here, and he looks just like Screech. Apparently everyone looks like Screech in heaven. Scary. He's here to take Zack to heaven, but he insists on seeing his friends one last time. At Bayside, Zack's locker has been encased, and there's a ceremony in his honor. The basketball team retires his number, and Screech throws a fit. Man, Zack Morris is really loved.

Anyways, Zack refuses to have surgery and plans to sneak out of the hospital. His plan works brilliantly, until he runs into Dr. Turtle. Lisa tries to make Zack feel better, and then throws up a little prayer for her friend. The surgery is a success, and for some reason Zack gets a cast for some torn cartilage. What kind of hospital is this?

QUOTES!

Slater: I had the ball with three seconds, then Belding starts yelling "Shoot your hopes and dreams!" By the time I realized he meant the ball, the game was over.

Zack: Rest? How I can I rest? They're gonna hack Zack!

Love Machine

Science projects are due in Mr. Tuttle's class this week, and Zack's working with Jessie on a micro-listening project. And they're the perfect team: She works hard, and he hardly works! Screech and Kelly are teamed together, and their project is a love machine. Apparently if any two people have feelings for each other, their machine will show it.

Also, Belding introduces a new student, and Slater's acting weird. Oh shit, Jennifer just happens to be his girlfriend from Germany. It seems that Slater's family moved, and he never broke things off with her. Quite the pickle. We finally learn what the "A.C" in A.C. Slater stands for. Are you ready for this? ALBERT freakin' CLIFFORD. Awesome.

Cut to the Max. Jennifer informs us that when his family moved, she and Slater made "one of those pacts" that they would never date anyone different again. Do those even exist? Anyways, Screech lets it fly that Jessie and Slater are an item. Uh oh.

Screech is testing the micro-listening device for Zack and Jessie. Slater needs that pen to get Jennifer's number, and Jessie finds out that she's Slater's old girlfriend. And she's out for blood. Slater needs someone to take Jennifer's mind off of him, and we all know the perfect candidate.

Jessie gets Slater in a headlock and spray paints "nWo 4 life" on his locker. Not really. But she does spray paint "Death to Slater." Meanwhile, Screech lets it slip that Zack's taking Jennifer on a pretend date. She gets pissed, and manages to create a plan on the spot. Impressive. But later gets jealous.

We're back in Tuttle's class, and Zack and Jennifer test out the love machine. They're "very compatible," and Slater goes ape. He yells at Zack for "stealing his girlfriend" and Jessie storms off in a rage.

After a good talk with Kelly, Jessie convinces Slater to go on a date with Jennifer to see if there's still a spark there. Jessie and Zack dress up as an old couple to spy on them at the movies. But there's a problem. Slater is a Mel Gibson guy, and Jen's into Kevin Costner. Slater realizes Jessie is the only one for him, and Jennifer hits on Zack. They'd make a cute couple, but in typical SBTB fashion, we never see or hear from her again.

QUOTES!

Zack: And we're the perfect team. She works hard, and I hardly work!

Screech: Contrary to popular belief, peanut butter and jelly have no visible feelings for each other.

SATs

It's Saturday morning, and they're in school. How depressing. They're there for their SAT's, but Zack would rather be at the beach working on his T-A-N. Belding puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on the kids. Nice work Richie.

Cut to the Max. It's several weeks later, and the results of the tests are back. Time to find out the scores:

Screech: 1220

Kelly: 1100

Lisa: 1140

Slater: 1050

Zack: 1502

Jessie: 1205

It seems word of Zack's outstanding SAT score has spread around school. And Heather, a girl we've never seen before, wants Zack to help her study (She just happens to look a lot like Melody from "Hey Dude"). Also, college representatives are at Bayside for the next couple days. The academic juggernaut Stansbury is there, and they seem to think he's perfect Stansbury material. It's always been Jessie's dream to attend there, but her SAT score obviously isn't high enough.

Mr.s Billingham (the Stansbury rep) shows up at the Max and offers Slater a full football scholarship. I didn't realize academic recruiters did that. I wonder if the head ball coach knows that she's out there offering scholarships.

Belding wants to upgrade Zack's class load because he obviously hasn't been challenged enough. It's time for Zack's hot study date with Heather, but she bring her boyfriend. What a cockblock. School is ruining Zack's life!

He hires James (the actor/waiter from the Max) to pretend to be a Harvard representative at the college fair. And he's only there to see Miss Jessica Spano. She's the "find of the century." Suddenly Stansbury has an interest in Jessie. She's their number one choice! But Jessie's wise to the plan, and wants nothing to do with it. Jessie turns them down, and for some reason, Slater says no thanks to his full football scholarship. Solid investment in your future guys.

James plays a representative from the SAT board and has a meeting with Belding. He doesn't recognize him (I guess he doesn't remember meeting James as Derek Morris). Anyways, James claims they're working Zack too hard, and Belding goes for it. No more class work for Zack! And we're left to wonder where they decide to go to college.

QUOTES!

Slater: Boy, it's a good thing I didn't tell her they offered me a car!

(It's probably a good thing you don't tell anyone that Slater. That's a violation of NCAA rules).

Hold Me Tight

It's time for wrestling tryouts, and for some reason the radio station is covering them. There's a new girl in town, and she wants to try out for the team. Girls can't wrestle! Duh. And Coach Sonski agrees. But apparently that's not fair. Ugh.

KKTY takes up the cause and heads to the airwaves. During her segment of "Spano Speaks," Jessie says some pretty slanderous things. Sonski and Belding earn the prestigious "Double Swine" award. Clever. This leads to a bunch of girls picketing wrestling practice. It's absolute pandemonium in the gym. Belding caves, and Christy is allowed to wrestle. Ugh.

Christy wants Slater to "show her some of his best moves." Oooooohh! Zack heads into the girls' locker room for an exclusive interview. Lisa is spreading gossip again, and she eavesdrops on the new couple. Also, Belding barges into the locker room looking for Morris, and he may or may not sexually harass a member of the swim team.

Lisa goes on air and talks about a hot new couple, and Jessie assumes it's Slater and Christy. They're in the gym practicing, and she comments how strong Slater is. And Jessie just happens to see the whole thing.

Cut to the Max. Some wrestler from Valley (No, it's not Nedick) shows up and assaults Zack. Good thing his girlfriend was there to rescue him. How humiliating. Even the nerds seem to think so.

Jessie is back on the air and she's completely flipped her position on girls on the wrestling mat. Slater's pissed. And Christy can't believe it. And Zack feels emasculated. He ends things with she-man Christy. It seems Zack can't handle dating a girl wrestler, and she quits the team. Don't worry though; Zack and Jessie quickly see the error of their ways, and Christy is back on the team.

It's time for the big meet against Valley. Slater squashes his opponent (again, not Nedick), and it all comes down to Christy's match. And it just happens to be against the dude who assaulted Zack at the Max. She's in trouble, until Zack advises her to "use the hold you used at the Max!" She quickly reverses things and pins him. Bayside wins! And we never see Christy Barnes again.

Also, today we find out that the pizza delivery guy in "Home Alone" played a nerd in Saved by the Bell. Awesome.

QUOTES!

Coach Sonski: This is a gym, not a Jane.

Coach Sonski: You wanna wrestle with the girls? Date 'em!

Coach Sonski: You worked on the full nelson and the half nelson. Why don't you show her the Willie Nelson? That's a "country and wrestling" joke!

Date Auction

Every student council meeting has one thing in common...screaming teenagers. And this one is no different. It seems the cheerleading squad is in desperate need of new uniforms, but there simply isn't any money. Maybe next year girls. But Kelly has the brilliant idea for a date auction, and everyone's in favor except for Jessie.

Lisa has a new crush (presumably on a guy we'll never see again), and it's Brian, the black leader of the student council. There's a problem though. He's a real intellectual snob, and Lisa is more into fashion than great works of literature.

Slater and Zack debate who's going to bring more in at the date auction. (What do the readers think? Zack's a bigger catch, but Slater would probably appreciate you more). Jessie threatens every girl in school. If they bid on HER Slater, they're dead. Who cares if it's for a good cause.

It's date auction time, and Brian is up. Coincidentally, there are only two black girls bidding on him. Weird. Lisa buys him for 30 bucks, and he's less than thrilled. Next up is Slater, and no one is bidding on him. How humiliating. Kelly feels sorry for him and bids ten bucks for his services. Jessie tries to prove a point and blindly bids 25 bucks on Screech. At least their babies would be really smart.

It's time for the main event. Mr. Zack Morris. And there's a battle for the privilege of a date with the blond Tom Cruise. The fat girl Wendy bids 100 bucks on him. Bummer. Zack is obviously pissed, and he fakes an old back injury. Brilliant.

.

Lisa pretends to be smart, and Brian is digging her. Good for them. Fat Wendy knows that Zack's faking his injury and she calls off their date. This makes Zack look like a dick, and this makes the author unhappy. She had no business bidding on him anyways...he's way out of her league.

It's dance time, and Zack is left to sit in the bleachers with the other dateless nerds. Fat Wendy shows up, and Zack apologizes. He feels guilty for lying, and apparently that's not good enough for her. Brian insults all of Lisa's friends, and that's enough for her. She tells him off. "Au revoir, creep!" Kelly shows off the provocative new cheerleading uniforms, and let's just say they don't leave much to the imagination. Zack finally gets fat Wendy to dance with him. Let's just hope he didn't have to put out.

QUOTES!

Slater: It's not good to be afraid of your girlfriend.

Fake ID's

This week there's a big project due in photography class. Zack's not sure what he's going to due, but there is one thing that's certain...a good-looking girl will do. While looking for it, the perfect inspiration walks in. Danielle, a student at USC, is a stranded motorist and needs help. Zack poses as a fellow USC student and changes her tire for her. He is so sweet. So sweet she could kiss him.

Anyways, Zack gets a date to meet Danielle at the Attic, an awesome over-18 dance club. But there's only one problem. Zack is only 16. I wonder how he'll figure this out?

We're in Belding's photography class (Wait. Why is the principal teaching a class? Doesn't he have other responsibilities?), and Screech uses that time to make some fake ID's. I've never made one, but I doubt you can make a quality fake ID in a high school class. Just saying.

Slater and Screech are over at Zack's for a sleepover. But this is no ordinary sleepover, as they quickly lose the pajamas to uncover some hip threads. They head to the Attic for some late night schmoozing. Zack and Danielle share a kiss and head to the dance floor while Slater wows the ladies with pictures and stories of Jessie. Oh shit, it's already 2 in the morning, and it's a school night.

Right before they leave, the guys notice that asshole Jeff dancing with some girl who's not Kelly. And then he kisses the same girl who is definitely not Kelly. I seriously hate that guy.

The guys are barely awake at school, and Screech blurts out that they partied at the Attic all night. Screech promises to make fake ID's for the girls once they find out that Jeff was with another girl. They also volunteer Zack to tell Kelly about Jeff, but she obviously doesn't believe him. He has an alibi...He was bowling with his roommates last night. Seems like a plausible story.

Kelly sees Screech making the ID's after school, and she wants one. And she wants to see firsthand if that jerk Jeff is cheating on her. That night, everyone is at the Attic, and Zack is waiting on Danielle to show up. But she's running late and call's Zack's phone that he left at home. Mrs. Morris answers and Danielle tells her she'll meet Zack at the Attic. Looks like Zack's busted.

Kelly shows up at the club and sees Jeff with that other girl. She's super-pissed and tells him what a creep he is. Jeff is such a tool. She's over him quickly though. Meanwhile, Zack's mom shows up and ruins the party. We're left to wonder if anything developed (Get it?!) between Zack and Danielle.

QUOTES!

Belding: Now that you've all taken a lot of pictures, let's see what's developed!

Slater: I'm Zack's older, cooler, more happening friend, A.C. Slater.

Joan: Ooh. What does the "A.C." stand for?

Slater: Absolutely Charming.

Belding: This is Mrs. B at Seaworld.

Kelly: Why is she eating raw fish?

Belding: That is not Mrs. B, that's Shamu!

Wicked Stepbrother, part II

In our last episode, Jessie's stepbrother Eric was a real asshole, and Lisa wrecked Belding's new car.

Slater's a car expert, and estimates the damage at 600 bucks. The only way to get that kind of money is to win the lottery, Screech says. That's a dumb idea, but that dumb idea gives Zack a great idea. Zack has a secret "Math Lottery." Here's how it works: The teacher solves a daily math problem, and the digits in the answer are the digits in the winning lottery ticket. And the fix is in. And don't worry. Belding won't be back for two days, so that gives Slater plenty of time to fix the car once they buy the parts with the crooked lottery winnings.

Wait. What?! Belding is back early? And he can't wait to test out his new Beach Boys cd in the car? Slater and Zack lie to trick him (what's new), and he falls for it. Sometimes I think Belding is too gullible.

After the crooked lottery, the guys are in the bathroom discussing their plan. And guess who just happens to be eavesdropping in a stall? That's right, it's Jessie's evil stepbrother Eric. And he heard the whole plan. And he knows that Zack bribed Lisa go out with him.

We're in auto shop with the awesome Coach Sonski, and he's under the impression that Belding's broken car is for the class. Eric convinces the class to take apart the entire car, and he stacks Screech in a pile of tires. This guy is seriously a real dick.

Jessie talks to Eric about Lisa. He tells her his elaborate plan to take down Slater and Zack, and she's pissed off. Eric calls her "just a chick" and she punches him in the face. Let's hope he put a steak over that eye! She gives him a stern talking-to. Let's hope that teaches him a lesson.

It looks like Zack and Slater are screwed. Belding's car is completely torn apart, and there's no way Slater can fix it in time. They sort-of come clean to Belding, but he can't wait to test out the cd player. The car is magically back together! How could this happen? If Zack didn't fix it, and Slater didn't fix it, then who did?

Eric fixed the car and has decided to move back to New York. He gives Slater the master copy of the audio sex tape, and Zack gets his Dodger tape back. While Eric is packing up his things, the gang shows up and convinces Eric to stick around. So I guess he stays at Bayside, and we never see or hear from him again.

QUOTES!

Slater: Hey I don't need this pressure. Look, I'm the captain of the wrestling team and the football team! I've got great dimples, good teeth, and the biggest muscles in school! Come on, isn't that enough for my friends?!

Wicked Stepbrother, part I

Great news! Zack just got tickets to the Dodgers/Mets playoff game. But, unfortunately for him, Belding doesn't think baseball is a real reason for missing school. How un-American! Does Belding hate apple pie too?

Meanwhile, Jessie's mom got married over the weekend, and now she has a new stepbrother named Eric. He's from New York. I bet he's really tough. He takes an instant liking to Lisa.

Zack thinks he's a cool dude, but Eric starts acting like a real dick. He talks on Belding's intercom and tricks Screech into carrying his books. Who does stuff like that?! Zack is still trying to find a way to get out of school for the baseball game, and tomorrow just happens to be Rosh Hashanah. Zack pretends to be Jewish (haven't we all?) and goes to the baseball game. Unfortunately, Eric is a big Mets fan and watches the game on tape delay. And Zack just happened to catch a foul ball on camera. And Eric blackmails him because he's not really Jewish and skipped school.

Eric, being the natural voyeur that he is, tape recorded Jessie and Slater going at it (I assume) and takes over Jessie's room. And he wants Slater's car too. This guy is a real dick.

Belding buys his wife a brand new car, and he needs Slater to install the new cd player. Zack calls a timeout and hatches a brilliant plan to teach Eric a lesson. He gets Lisa front row MC Hammer tickets, but insists that she takes Eric out this weekend. Lisa finally agrees to go on a date with him, and the plan is in action.

According to Zack, Eric better enjoy his ride, because he's about to be history. He takes of in Belding's new car, and Lisa actually enjoys her date with him. He lets her drive the car back to the school, and Zack's plan backfires. Screech takes a picture (to blackmail Eric driving Belding's car) and the flash blinds Lisa. She crashes Belding's new car!

Will Zack get away with pretending to be Jewish to watch the Dodgers in the playoffs? Will Slater and Jessie make another sextape? Will Eric continue to be a dick? Check out our next installment for the thrilling conclusion!

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QUOTES!

Slater: Are you crazy? The Pope doesn't even know us. Why would he invite us to the Vatican?

Screech: Boy, you New York guys really take baseball seriously. (Further proof that the Dodgers and their fans suck. It's the 7th inning stretch. Time to leave!)

Aftermath

Everyone is offering their condolences to the heartbroken Zack. Lisa is hoping he can find someone new at her sweet sixteen party. He's going to have a tough time getting over her with all those pictures of Kelly in his locker.

Bad news. Kelly is planning on bringing Jeff to the party. I can't believe she doesn't even care about what she did to Zack. Anyways, we're in Miss Simpson's class and they're studying love poetry. She insists on Zack and Kelly reading in front of the class. Salt in the wound.

To get Zack's mind off Kelly, Slater and Screech take him to the movies. There's nothing like a guys' night to forget about girls. But there's only one problem...Kelly shows up with that asshole Jeff. Zack sees them and storms off.

Zack tells Lisa he can't make the party because Kelly's going to be there. Lisa accuses Kelly of ruining Zack's life, and I'm with her. Zack tries to get his mind off Kelly, and the gang comes to cheer him up. Lisa has a list of girls a mile long that want to go out with Zack.

After two horrible dates, Zack agrees to go on a date with Screech's cousin Kimberly. They head to the Max after and guess who just happens to be working. Zack orders a chocolate milkshake (with TWO straws!), and then he does the unthinkable. He plays A-12. Everyone knows that's Zack and Kelly's song, and it's sacred. Kimberly's pissed that she was used, and dumbs the milkshake all over Zack.

There's an epic meltdown when Zack rips apart his locker. He throws everything out, including Kelly's lucky pom-poms. There's no way he's going to Lisa's party because Kelly's going to be there.

Kelly and Jeff do indeed show up to the party. Everyone forgives her (for some reason), and Zack does decide to come to the party. He apologizes to Kelly, and congratulates Jeff. Also, there's a redhead that seduces Zack, and I'm convinced he gets over Kelly faster than you'd think.

QUOTES!

Slater: Like my Uncle Charlie used to say, "Women are like vines. If you fall off one, you can swing with another."

Zack: One chocolate milkshake, with two straws.

Belding: Zack, this is not your bedroom. Clean this mess up.

Zack: Why don't you clean it yourself.

Beling: My office. Now.

Screech: If you can't be an idiot with your friends, who can you be an idiot with?

The Last Dance

(Editor's note: I'm going to attempt to write a fair review of this episode. But it's so hard because of that asshole Jeff, the manager at the Max).

The Bayside costume ball is this week, and Zack plans on being king. And he wants Kelly to be his queen. Bayside's first couple plans on going as Romeo & Juliet, but those costumes are really expensive. Kelly needs a job, but luckily there's an opening at the Max.

Cut to the Max. Kelly submits her application to the handsome new manager, Jeff. I instantly don't like him because he transferred from Michigan to UCLA. (Why would you do that? Looks like he'll be stuck as a restaurant manager the rest of his life). Anyways, he gives Kelly the job.

We're in Belding's office for the planning meeting. There's no extra money, so the gang's band offers to play for free. I wonder if they're any good? Anyways, Kelly claims she can't go to the dance because she has to work. What a heartbreak for Zack.

The band, cleverly named "Zack Attack" is practicing in the gym. Meanwhile, we find out that Kelly has a thing for Jeff. I smell trouble. Anyways, after work Jeff seduces and underage Kelly Kapowski, and they share a kiss.

Kelly starts acting weird, and Zack knows something is up. Besides, where could she meet anyone? She's at school, and the rest of the time she's at work with....Jeff! That bastard!

It's time for the dance. Zack Attack is rocking out. They're really good. So good that I bet Casey Kasem will profile them someday. Kelly is still acting weird. She's at the dance with Zack, but all she can think about is Jeff. And she's crowned queen along with her king Zack. Awkward. We have a Freudian slip when Kelly accidentally calls him Jeff.

They go outside for a talk while Zack Attack starts an awesome cover of the Michael Bolton classic "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?". Seems appropriate. Kelly doesn't know about her feelings, and breaks the hearts of everyone (including me). They share one last dance as I wipe the tears from my eyes.

QUOTES!

Belding: And don't forget, this year, no Mr. Belding costumes. Mrs. Belding gets easily confused. And oh..oh oh, all the boys who dress as girls must still use the boys room. Understood?

Kelly: Can we still be friends?

Zack: Forever.

Snow White and the Seven Dorks

We're in drama class today. And we all know who Bayside's greatest actor is. Anyways, the teacher looks really familiar...holy shit! It's the dude from Webster (no, not Alex Karras...the other dude). Anyways. The class is deciding what this year's play will be, and Screech suggests Snow White. Kelly improves the idea by offering up a rap version! What a totally tubular 90's idea! We've got ourselves "Snow White and the Seven Dorks" people.

Jessie is Snow White, and Kelly's the wicked queen (you can probably guess what role Zack has). But there's only one problem. Zack and Jessie have to share a kiss, and they're not being passionate enough. Jessie wants to makeout all afternoon, and Zack feels guilty. But there's nothing wrong with it because it's just acting, right? They share a big-time kiss, Lisa walks in, and we all know how she handles gossip.

Jessie starts acting extremely weird. Way to act cool mama. Slater realizes something is up and decides to join the play to keep an eye on her. He becomes "Studly, the 8th dork."

Zack and Jessie come clean about their lust to Belding. He encourages them to kiss again because they need to find out if it's love or not. Meanwhile, Kelly and Slater realize that they're being jealous for no reason. Zack and Jessie kiss, and there's no spark. They're so happy that they share a celebratory smooch! But Slater and Kelly walk in, and end both relationships.

Thing look grim. But, as always, Zack has a plan. he changes the script mid-play. It seems the only way to save Snow White is a kiss from Studly (Slater). And apparently the wicked queen is the only gal for the Prince. This play makes no sense. The only thing worse than having to sit through that play is having to blog about it.

QUOTES!

Jessie: It's personal, Mr. Belding

Belding: I'm a person.

Kelly: I can't believe Zack would fall for that neurotic egghead!