Jessie's Song

(Editor's note: Many claim that this is the best episode in the history of Saved by the Bell. While I do agree that it is a very good episode, it is not the best. Regardless, it's still a first-ballot HOF'er. Thank you.)

This week is the geometry midterm, and everyone is freaking out. Jessie is drinking coffee to stay awake because she's been up studying all night. I hope that doesn't lead to a problem.

Lisa and Kelly walk into the Max, and the three girls start singing "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters. Apparently they're good, and Zack's dad's friend is a record producer who just happens to be looking for the next breakout all-girl group.

We're in Mr. Dewey's geometry class. Everyone did well on the last quiz, except for Jessie. She got a C! What a dumbass. Slater offers his help studying, so she must be desperate. I think he got the lowest out of the group on his SAT's.

In the locker room, the girls are getting ready to sing again. Screech comes in dressed as the new female janitor and secretly records the girls while they sing.

Slater and Jessie are studying, and Jessie wants to keep going. Slater objects because they've been at it for four hours, but that's no problem with Jessie. She'll just take her little friend "Keep Alert." It's a caffeine pill that's stronger than coffee. And it could be habit forming. Awesome.

Cut to the Max. Belding is there for some reason, and Jessie is there to bug him during his lunch. She's concerned about college, and if she flunks geometry, there's no way she'll end up at Stanford. She's clearly stressed, and that leads to...

Hazy pink dream sequence! Surfs up dudes. We're at Surf University, and since Jessie got a C in geometry, that's the only place that would take her. Rough. Mr. Dewey is the professor there, and Zack is just sitting there next to two chicks in bikinis. This looks like the college for me. Jessie is scared shitless and vows to ace this geometry test no matter what.

Zack comes in with the news that the girl group's new name is "Hot Sundae" and they plan on shooting a new music video. Jessie isn't sure because she's so busy this week, but everyone makes sure she doesn't let them down. Can you feel the pressure? Nothing a couple caffeine pills can't fix.

The recording company loves the video, and the executive is coming to the Max to watch the girls perform. But Jessie can't be there for the rehearsal. She has to study! Slater goes to borrow a pen and finds the caffeine pills. Slater assures her that the pills are dangerous, but she gets "caffeine rage" (does that exist?) and tells him to mind his own business.

Cut to the midterm. Jessie is all hopped up on caffeine and finishes the test in record time. Slater talks to Zack about his concern for Jessie. Zack thinks she's too smart to take drugs, and simply won't listen to it.

Zack goes to pick up Jessie for their big performance tonight. She's been asleep for aproximately 48 hours, and freaks out. But everything will be okay if she just pops a couple pills, and we see the best acting of Elizabeth Berkley's career. She flips out and is certainly in no condition to sing tonight. Zack assures her that they'll get through her vicious caffeine addiction together.

Cut to the Max. Instead of rescheduling the big performance, Screech fills in for Jessie. I'm assuming Hot Sundae didn't get the big record deal.

Everyone comes to visit Jessie in her room while she's recovering. Don't worry...her mom has decided to take her to counselling for her terrible addiction. Hot Sundae never recovers.

QUOTES!

Slater: Guys are great at math. It's a shame you weren't born a man.

Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't either.

Mr. Dewey: Mr. Morris. B plus. Should I congratulate you or the person sitting next to you?

Slater: Jessie, these pills are dangerous.

Jessie: Yeah, well so is geometry.

Jessie: Yeah! We'll be great we'll be awesome we'll knock 'em dead! Yeah! Right!

Jessie: No time. There's never any time. I don't have time to study, I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused!

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Don't take on too many responsibilities and then feel overwhelmed and deal with it by taking caffeine pills and freaking out on everyone that's trying to help you. You'll only end up addicted and you'll need counselling by episode's end.