Fake ID's

This week there's a big project due in photography class. Zack's not sure what he's going to due, but there is one thing that's certain...a good-looking girl will do. While looking for it, the perfect inspiration walks in. Danielle, a student at USC, is a stranded motorist and needs help. Zack poses as a fellow USC student and changes her tire for her. He is so sweet. So sweet she could kiss him.

Anyways, Zack gets a date to meet Danielle at the Attic, an awesome over-18 dance club. But there's only one problem. Zack is only 16. I wonder how he'll figure this out?

We're in Belding's photography class (Wait. Why is the principal teaching a class? Doesn't he have other responsibilities?), and Screech uses that time to make some fake ID's. I've never made one, but I doubt you can make a quality fake ID in a high school class. Just saying.

Slater and Screech are over at Zack's for a sleepover. But this is no ordinary sleepover, as they quickly lose the pajamas to uncover some hip threads. They head to the Attic for some late night schmoozing. Zack and Danielle share a kiss and head to the dance floor while Slater wows the ladies with pictures and stories of Jessie. Oh shit, it's already 2 in the morning, and it's a school night.

Right before they leave, the guys notice that asshole Jeff dancing with some girl who's not Kelly. And then he kisses the same girl who is definitely not Kelly. I seriously hate that guy.

The guys are barely awake at school, and Screech blurts out that they partied at the Attic all night. Screech promises to make fake ID's for the girls once they find out that Jeff was with another girl. They also volunteer Zack to tell Kelly about Jeff, but she obviously doesn't believe him. He has an alibi...He was bowling with his roommates last night. Seems like a plausible story.

Kelly sees Screech making the ID's after school, and she wants one. And she wants to see firsthand if that jerk Jeff is cheating on her. That night, everyone is at the Attic, and Zack is waiting on Danielle to show up. But she's running late and call's Zack's phone that he left at home. Mrs. Morris answers and Danielle tells her she'll meet Zack at the Attic. Looks like Zack's busted.

Kelly shows up at the club and sees Jeff with that other girl. She's super-pissed and tells him what a creep he is. Jeff is such a tool. She's over him quickly though. Meanwhile, Zack's mom shows up and ruins the party. We're left to wonder if anything developed (Get it?!) between Zack and Danielle.

QUOTES!

Belding: Now that you've all taken a lot of pictures, let's see what's developed!

Slater: I'm Zack's older, cooler, more happening friend, A.C. Slater.

Joan: Ooh. What does the "A.C." stand for?

Slater: Absolutely Charming.

Belding: This is Mrs. B at Seaworld.

Kelly: Why is she eating raw fish?

Belding: That is not Mrs. B, that's Shamu!

Wicked Stepbrother, part II

In our last episode, Jessie's stepbrother Eric was a real asshole, and Lisa wrecked Belding's new car.

Slater's a car expert, and estimates the damage at 600 bucks. The only way to get that kind of money is to win the lottery, Screech says. That's a dumb idea, but that dumb idea gives Zack a great idea. Zack has a secret "Math Lottery." Here's how it works: The teacher solves a daily math problem, and the digits in the answer are the digits in the winning lottery ticket. And the fix is in. And don't worry. Belding won't be back for two days, so that gives Slater plenty of time to fix the car once they buy the parts with the crooked lottery winnings.

Wait. What?! Belding is back early? And he can't wait to test out his new Beach Boys cd in the car? Slater and Zack lie to trick him (what's new), and he falls for it. Sometimes I think Belding is too gullible.

After the crooked lottery, the guys are in the bathroom discussing their plan. And guess who just happens to be eavesdropping in a stall? That's right, it's Jessie's evil stepbrother Eric. And he heard the whole plan. And he knows that Zack bribed Lisa go out with him.

We're in auto shop with the awesome Coach Sonski, and he's under the impression that Belding's broken car is for the class. Eric convinces the class to take apart the entire car, and he stacks Screech in a pile of tires. This guy is seriously a real dick.

Jessie talks to Eric about Lisa. He tells her his elaborate plan to take down Slater and Zack, and she's pissed off. Eric calls her "just a chick" and she punches him in the face. Let's hope he put a steak over that eye! She gives him a stern talking-to. Let's hope that teaches him a lesson.

It looks like Zack and Slater are screwed. Belding's car is completely torn apart, and there's no way Slater can fix it in time. They sort-of come clean to Belding, but he can't wait to test out the cd player. The car is magically back together! How could this happen? If Zack didn't fix it, and Slater didn't fix it, then who did?

Eric fixed the car and has decided to move back to New York. He gives Slater the master copy of the audio sex tape, and Zack gets his Dodger tape back. While Eric is packing up his things, the gang shows up and convinces Eric to stick around. So I guess he stays at Bayside, and we never see or hear from him again.

QUOTES!

Slater: Hey I don't need this pressure. Look, I'm the captain of the wrestling team and the football team! I've got great dimples, good teeth, and the biggest muscles in school! Come on, isn't that enough for my friends?!

Wicked Stepbrother, part I

Great news! Zack just got tickets to the Dodgers/Mets playoff game. But, unfortunately for him, Belding doesn't think baseball is a real reason for missing school. How un-American! Does Belding hate apple pie too?

Meanwhile, Jessie's mom got married over the weekend, and now she has a new stepbrother named Eric. He's from New York. I bet he's really tough. He takes an instant liking to Lisa.

Zack thinks he's a cool dude, but Eric starts acting like a real dick. He talks on Belding's intercom and tricks Screech into carrying his books. Who does stuff like that?! Zack is still trying to find a way to get out of school for the baseball game, and tomorrow just happens to be Rosh Hashanah. Zack pretends to be Jewish (haven't we all?) and goes to the baseball game. Unfortunately, Eric is a big Mets fan and watches the game on tape delay. And Zack just happened to catch a foul ball on camera. And Eric blackmails him because he's not really Jewish and skipped school.

Eric, being the natural voyeur that he is, tape recorded Jessie and Slater going at it (I assume) and takes over Jessie's room. And he wants Slater's car too. This guy is a real dick.

Belding buys his wife a brand new car, and he needs Slater to install the new cd player. Zack calls a timeout and hatches a brilliant plan to teach Eric a lesson. He gets Lisa front row MC Hammer tickets, but insists that she takes Eric out this weekend. Lisa finally agrees to go on a date with him, and the plan is in action.

According to Zack, Eric better enjoy his ride, because he's about to be history. He takes of in Belding's new car, and Lisa actually enjoys her date with him. He lets her drive the car back to the school, and Zack's plan backfires. Screech takes a picture (to blackmail Eric driving Belding's car) and the flash blinds Lisa. She crashes Belding's new car!

Will Zack get away with pretending to be Jewish to watch the Dodgers in the playoffs? Will Slater and Jessie make another sextape? Will Eric continue to be a dick? Check out our next installment for the thrilling conclusion!

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QUOTES!

Slater: Are you crazy? The Pope doesn't even know us. Why would he invite us to the Vatican?

Screech: Boy, you New York guys really take baseball seriously. (Further proof that the Dodgers and their fans suck. It's the 7th inning stretch. Time to leave!)

Aftermath

Everyone is offering their condolences to the heartbroken Zack. Lisa is hoping he can find someone new at her sweet sixteen party. He's going to have a tough time getting over her with all those pictures of Kelly in his locker.

Bad news. Kelly is planning on bringing Jeff to the party. I can't believe she doesn't even care about what she did to Zack. Anyways, we're in Miss Simpson's class and they're studying love poetry. She insists on Zack and Kelly reading in front of the class. Salt in the wound.

To get Zack's mind off Kelly, Slater and Screech take him to the movies. There's nothing like a guys' night to forget about girls. But there's only one problem...Kelly shows up with that asshole Jeff. Zack sees them and storms off.

Zack tells Lisa he can't make the party because Kelly's going to be there. Lisa accuses Kelly of ruining Zack's life, and I'm with her. Zack tries to get his mind off Kelly, and the gang comes to cheer him up. Lisa has a list of girls a mile long that want to go out with Zack.

After two horrible dates, Zack agrees to go on a date with Screech's cousin Kimberly. They head to the Max after and guess who just happens to be working. Zack orders a chocolate milkshake (with TWO straws!), and then he does the unthinkable. He plays A-12. Everyone knows that's Zack and Kelly's song, and it's sacred. Kimberly's pissed that she was used, and dumbs the milkshake all over Zack.

There's an epic meltdown when Zack rips apart his locker. He throws everything out, including Kelly's lucky pom-poms. There's no way he's going to Lisa's party because Kelly's going to be there.

Kelly and Jeff do indeed show up to the party. Everyone forgives her (for some reason), and Zack does decide to come to the party. He apologizes to Kelly, and congratulates Jeff. Also, there's a redhead that seduces Zack, and I'm convinced he gets over Kelly faster than you'd think.

QUOTES!

Slater: Like my Uncle Charlie used to say, "Women are like vines. If you fall off one, you can swing with another."

Zack: One chocolate milkshake, with two straws.

Belding: Zack, this is not your bedroom. Clean this mess up.

Zack: Why don't you clean it yourself.

Beling: My office. Now.

Screech: If you can't be an idiot with your friends, who can you be an idiot with?

The Last Dance

(Editor's note: I'm going to attempt to write a fair review of this episode. But it's so hard because of that asshole Jeff, the manager at the Max).

The Bayside costume ball is this week, and Zack plans on being king. And he wants Kelly to be his queen. Bayside's first couple plans on going as Romeo & Juliet, but those costumes are really expensive. Kelly needs a job, but luckily there's an opening at the Max.

Cut to the Max. Kelly submits her application to the handsome new manager, Jeff. I instantly don't like him because he transferred from Michigan to UCLA. (Why would you do that? Looks like he'll be stuck as a restaurant manager the rest of his life). Anyways, he gives Kelly the job.

We're in Belding's office for the planning meeting. There's no extra money, so the gang's band offers to play for free. I wonder if they're any good? Anyways, Kelly claims she can't go to the dance because she has to work. What a heartbreak for Zack.

The band, cleverly named "Zack Attack" is practicing in the gym. Meanwhile, we find out that Kelly has a thing for Jeff. I smell trouble. Anyways, after work Jeff seduces and underage Kelly Kapowski, and they share a kiss.

Kelly starts acting weird, and Zack knows something is up. Besides, where could she meet anyone? She's at school, and the rest of the time she's at work with....Jeff! That bastard!

It's time for the dance. Zack Attack is rocking out. They're really good. So good that I bet Casey Kasem will profile them someday. Kelly is still acting weird. She's at the dance with Zack, but all she can think about is Jeff. And she's crowned queen along with her king Zack. Awkward. We have a Freudian slip when Kelly accidentally calls him Jeff.

They go outside for a talk while Zack Attack starts an awesome cover of the Michael Bolton classic "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?". Seems appropriate. Kelly doesn't know about her feelings, and breaks the hearts of everyone (including me). They share one last dance as I wipe the tears from my eyes.

QUOTES!

Belding: And don't forget, this year, no Mr. Belding costumes. Mrs. Belding gets easily confused. And oh..oh oh, all the boys who dress as girls must still use the boys room. Understood?

Kelly: Can we still be friends?

Zack: Forever.

Snow White and the Seven Dorks

We're in drama class today. And we all know who Bayside's greatest actor is. Anyways, the teacher looks really familiar...holy shit! It's the dude from Webster (no, not Alex Karras...the other dude). Anyways. The class is deciding what this year's play will be, and Screech suggests Snow White. Kelly improves the idea by offering up a rap version! What a totally tubular 90's idea! We've got ourselves "Snow White and the Seven Dorks" people.

Jessie is Snow White, and Kelly's the wicked queen (you can probably guess what role Zack has). But there's only one problem. Zack and Jessie have to share a kiss, and they're not being passionate enough. Jessie wants to makeout all afternoon, and Zack feels guilty. But there's nothing wrong with it because it's just acting, right? They share a big-time kiss, Lisa walks in, and we all know how she handles gossip.

Jessie starts acting extremely weird. Way to act cool mama. Slater realizes something is up and decides to join the play to keep an eye on her. He becomes "Studly, the 8th dork."

Zack and Jessie come clean about their lust to Belding. He encourages them to kiss again because they need to find out if it's love or not. Meanwhile, Kelly and Slater realize that they're being jealous for no reason. Zack and Jessie kiss, and there's no spark. They're so happy that they share a celebratory smooch! But Slater and Kelly walk in, and end both relationships.

Thing look grim. But, as always, Zack has a plan. he changes the script mid-play. It seems the only way to save Snow White is a kiss from Studly (Slater). And apparently the wicked queen is the only gal for the Prince. This play makes no sense. The only thing worse than having to sit through that play is having to blog about it.

QUOTES!

Jessie: It's personal, Mr. Belding

Belding: I'm a person.

Kelly: I can't believe Zack would fall for that neurotic egghead!

Video Yearbook

We learn that every 16 year old guy dreams of two things: a hot babe and a hot car. Jessie is freaking out because she doesn't have a theme for the yearbook yet.

We're in Belding's office for the yearbook committee meeting. It seems that last year's yearbook was a real flop, and Zack proposes a video yearbook. That sounds like a totally happening 90's thing to do! Anyways, Zack hatches a plan to use the video yearbook as a video dating service, and that will give him money to buy a new car! This can't go wrong.

The tape sells like hotcakes, but not without consequences. Slater's pissed because Jessie's phone was busy all night, and that idiot Screech put Lisa and Kelly on the tape too. He must be the dumbest human being on earth.

Jessie wants to preview the video yearbook, but Zack gets the tapes mixed up. Everyone's pissed off, but Kelly hatches her own plan. They're going to teach Morris a lesson he'll never forget. Slater acts super pissed off and threatens to kill the guy responsible for giving out Jessie's phone number. Everyone pretends like Slater's kicked their as, including Belding. Also, Kelly comes in dressed in leather and necks with some biker dude. Slater storms in and wants to kill Zack, so he calls a timeout and Belding gets nailed in the face. Awesome.

The gang is assembled, and everyone has received a note from Zack to meet at 3. Also, Zack comes in dressed in drag to spy on the meeting I guess. Screech has a tape to play for everyone, and Zack admits his sins and apologizes. He tells everyone he's going to military school, and the gang rejoices. Zack is outraged, and we end the episode with a good ole fashioned "Gotcha!"

Breaking Up Is Hard to Undo

Kelly and Zack have been going steady for 68 days, 14 hours, and 38 minutes (but who's counting). Slater and Jessie have been kind-sorta dating since the prom, and they've decided to make it official. (Personally, I think Slater's just settling because he can't get Kelly).

Saturday is Zack and Kelly's 10-week anniversary, and Zack wants to do something special. But Kelly's old friend (and ex-boyfriend!) Todd Winfield is in town. Zack gets pissed and tells her to marry him and have lots of kids. See if he cares!

Slater and Jessie are going out Saturday to make their romance official. There's only one problem. Jessie has tickets to the ballet. But Slater has L.A. Raider tickets! Slater's obviously sexist and this budding romance has hit the rocks already. Meanwhile, Zack gives kelly an ultimatum. Either she cancels the date or they stop seeing each other. Kelly gives Zack his ring back, which I guess means they're broken up.

We're at the the student council meeting. An argument erupts over new uniforms vs. a dance department. An even bigger argument erupts in Belding's office. Apparently Slater is a chauvinistic meathead, and Kelly is a cheating tramp. Don't worry though. Belding is more than happy to show them how a meaningful, mature relationship works.

Oh no! Belding's mother in law is in town, and she insists on staying at the Belding house, even though they agreed to get her a hotel room. Becky Belding throws him out of the house, so he's quick to come to the aid of poor Zack and Slater.

We're in Zack's room, and he and Slater are waiting for their girlfriends to call. Belding shows up (Wait. Principals can't go to students' houses!) and he wants to bond. He buys pizza, and informs us that guys take care of guys. Lisa shows up, and Jessie and Kelly want to make up. Belding convinces them that it's a bad idea to give in now. Thanks, but no thanks.

The next morning, the ghost of Kelly shows up in a halter top and ripped jeans. She's everywhere, from his mirror to his closet. Zack thinks he's losing it. And apparently Slater is seeing Jessie's face everywhere. They realize that Belding is horrible at giving advice, and Zack hatches another brilliant plan.

Belding goes crawling back to Becky, but not before we hear the greatest macho cheer in the history of macho cheers.

1,2,3 GUYS!

Cut to the Max. Welcome to the "What I Should Have Said Theatre." It's a glorified apology, and it even includes Slater ballet dancing. Everything is back to normal at Bayside.

QUOTES!

Jessie: Do you like this shake Slater?

Slater: I like it when you shake, Momma!

Slater (to Jessie): Hey who are you calling meathead, skinnylips?

Screech: When elephants fight, only the grass suffers.

Belding: Men don't need women. Women need men! It's in their genes!

Glee Club

Love is in the air, and you'll never guess the hottest couple in Bayside...Violet and Screech. Violet is a member of the glee club (It gives her a great way to hide), and she tells the group that the winner of the all-city sing competition wins a trip to Hawaii. Hawaii? Now that's something Zack can sing about.

The gang joins the club, and Mr. Tuttle is the director. Awesome. Belding comes in to check on their progress, and this glee club really stinks. The all-city sing is at Bayside this year, and a performance like that would embarrass the entire school. Belding gives Tuttle a 48 hour window to shape up, or else he's not allowing them to compete.

Zack needs a plan to make the glee club sound better, ASAP. Violet has tickets to see the California glee club, and Zack's bringing his tape recorder. The next day, they magically sound like a college-level glee club. It's amazing what hard work and practice can do for you. Or a tape recorder. Tuttle's wise to the plan, and he's on board. What a great teacher.

Now that they've bought some time, their plan is to hide the horrible singers (mainly everyone) and feature the good ones. And apparently Violet has a voice of gold, so she's the group's ticket to Hawaii. She invites Screech over for dinner, and he blows it. She quits the glee club, and is apparently forbidden (forbade?) from ever seeing Screech again. There goes the trip to Hawaii.

It's a good thing Zack always has a backup plan. Screech pops in the tape of the California glee club. It screws up and plays at Alvin and the Chipmunks pace. Zack claims that it's their impression of a glee club tuning up. Brilliant. Violet essentially sings by herself and starts to choke it, until Screech comes in and sings with her. Her parents forgive him, and the hottest couple in Bayside is back together.

QUOTES!

Mr. Tuttle: If I needed to be nagged, I'd call your wife.

Screech (to Violet): Hello my heart!

The Fabulous Belding Boys

This episode is why I got into blogging people.

Mr. Dickerson's history class is every teenager's worst nightmare. It's worse than four zits on a first date! Tomorrow is the midterm, and no one has passed it in three years. It also happens to be class trip time, and it's the highlight of the school year.

The gang is studying in Zack's room, and the pressure to pass the midterm is mounting. Dickerson is everywhere...literally. He's in Zack's text book, on a Magic Johnson poster, and even on tv! He assures everyone that there's no way they can pass, and there's no way they're going on the class trip.

It's test day, and Dickerson is nowhere to be found. Zack invokes the "5 Minute Rule." If the teacher doesn't show up within five minutes of the bell, the students are free to go. (I tried this once. It didn't work). Belding shows up and informs the class that Dickerson is mentally ill, and that the test will be given by the substitute teacher, Mr. Rod Belding.

Rod Belding is one cool dude (one of my favorite characters in television history). He's unorthodox and has the kids tear up their history midterm, and he wants the kids to call him Rod! And he believes teacher-student relationships should be based on trust, and lets the students decide their grade on the midterm.

Belding has decided where they're going on their trip. They're going to campout under the stars at Yosemite! But while in Belding's office watching the Dodgers game, Rod tells Zack about his class trip. They went whitewater rafting, and that sounds badass. Rod volunteers to chaperone the trip.

The kids go to Belding's office, and he's sitting there looking at Yosemite brochures. The gang breaks poor Richard's heart by telling him they don't want to go on his boring nature trip. They'd rather go rafting with Rod! A heartbroken Belding throws the brochures in the trash.

In the gym, Rod is leading a rafting class. While practicing mouth-to-mouth lifesaving techniques (read making out), Belding walks in and cockblocks. Zack tells him not to be mad at Rod, because no other teacher has ever cared about them. And maybe he's jealous of his own brother.

Tonight, the class heads to the Colorado River for the class trip. The busses are here, but Rod's nowhere to be found. Zack goes to find him, and he's in Belding's office. It seems that Rod wants to blow off the class trip to spend time with a stewardess, Inga (and she's not just some stewardess. She's a ten!). Belding gets pissed off and kicks Rod out of his school.

Belding announces that Rod is sick and has the flu. Class trip is off, right? Wrong. Belding offers to take the class on the rafting trip in his brother's place. Zack wants to know why Belding didn't tell everyone the truth, and says "We got the better Belding."

QUOTES!

Screech: Wow. A building with two Beldings, one of whom is balding!

Rod: So, I said to to the head of the airline, "Make somebody else president. I need my summers off to follow my dreams."

Slater: I'm an expert on mouth-to-mouth, right mama?

Jessie: Don't flatter yourself. You're just okay.

Slater: Well that's not what you said Saturday night!

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Rod Belding taught us a lot. Mainly, that we need to grab life and embrace the rapids. Follow your dreams. Having an unorthodox style isn't a bad thing, and you have to be true to yourself first and foremost. Godspeed, Rod Belding.

(Editor's note: I firmly believe that Rod did indeed have the flu. There's no way he would let all those kids down for a weekend fling. Rod Belding is a tragic hero, and doesn't deserve these false accusations. If you are with me, view the documentary).

Jessie's Song

(Editor's note: Many claim that this is the best episode in the history of Saved by the Bell. While I do agree that it is a very good episode, it is not the best. Regardless, it's still a first-ballot HOF'er. Thank you.)

This week is the geometry midterm, and everyone is freaking out. Jessie is drinking coffee to stay awake because she's been up studying all night. I hope that doesn't lead to a problem.

Lisa and Kelly walk into the Max, and the three girls start singing "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters. Apparently they're good, and Zack's dad's friend is a record producer who just happens to be looking for the next breakout all-girl group.

We're in Mr. Dewey's geometry class. Everyone did well on the last quiz, except for Jessie. She got a C! What a dumbass. Slater offers his help studying, so she must be desperate. I think he got the lowest out of the group on his SAT's.

In the locker room, the girls are getting ready to sing again. Screech comes in dressed as the new female janitor and secretly records the girls while they sing.

Slater and Jessie are studying, and Jessie wants to keep going. Slater objects because they've been at it for four hours, but that's no problem with Jessie. She'll just take her little friend "Keep Alert." It's a caffeine pill that's stronger than coffee. And it could be habit forming. Awesome.

Cut to the Max. Belding is there for some reason, and Jessie is there to bug him during his lunch. She's concerned about college, and if she flunks geometry, there's no way she'll end up at Stanford. She's clearly stressed, and that leads to...

Hazy pink dream sequence! Surfs up dudes. We're at Surf University, and since Jessie got a C in geometry, that's the only place that would take her. Rough. Mr. Dewey is the professor there, and Zack is just sitting there next to two chicks in bikinis. This looks like the college for me. Jessie is scared shitless and vows to ace this geometry test no matter what.

Zack comes in with the news that the girl group's new name is "Hot Sundae" and they plan on shooting a new music video. Jessie isn't sure because she's so busy this week, but everyone makes sure she doesn't let them down. Can you feel the pressure? Nothing a couple caffeine pills can't fix.

The recording company loves the video, and the executive is coming to the Max to watch the girls perform. But Jessie can't be there for the rehearsal. She has to study! Slater goes to borrow a pen and finds the caffeine pills. Slater assures her that the pills are dangerous, but she gets "caffeine rage" (does that exist?) and tells him to mind his own business.

Cut to the midterm. Jessie is all hopped up on caffeine and finishes the test in record time. Slater talks to Zack about his concern for Jessie. Zack thinks she's too smart to take drugs, and simply won't listen to it.

Zack goes to pick up Jessie for their big performance tonight. She's been asleep for aproximately 48 hours, and freaks out. But everything will be okay if she just pops a couple pills, and we see the best acting of Elizabeth Berkley's career. She flips out and is certainly in no condition to sing tonight. Zack assures her that they'll get through her vicious caffeine addiction together.

Cut to the Max. Instead of rescheduling the big performance, Screech fills in for Jessie. I'm assuming Hot Sundae didn't get the big record deal.

Everyone comes to visit Jessie in her room while she's recovering. Don't worry...her mom has decided to take her to counselling for her terrible addiction. Hot Sundae never recovers.

QUOTES!

Slater: Guys are great at math. It's a shame you weren't born a man.

Jessie: Yeah, it's a shame you weren't either.

Mr. Dewey: Mr. Morris. B plus. Should I congratulate you or the person sitting next to you?

Slater: Jessie, these pills are dangerous.

Jessie: Yeah, well so is geometry.

Jessie: Yeah! We'll be great we'll be awesome we'll knock 'em dead! Yeah! Right!

Jessie: No time. There's never any time. I don't have time to study, I'll never get into Stanford! I'll let everyone down! I'm so confused!

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Don't take on too many responsibilities and then feel overwhelmed and deal with it by taking caffeine pills and freaking out on everyone that's trying to help you. You'll only end up addicted and you'll need counselling by episode's end.

House Party

Screech's parents have left him with the house alone for four whole days. They're going to Graceland for their anniversary. And his mom left him with a long list of rules. But don't worry, they can still have some fun. According to Slater, they'll just do some guy stuff. Whatever that is.

I think this episode marks the debut of Violet Anne Bickerstaff, as well as her protective nerd boyfriend, Maxwell Nerdstrom. That is, her ex-protective nerd boyfriend. Anyways.

Cut to the Max. The girls (Violet included) are assembled and they hatch a plan to break into Screech's house to see what they're up to. And they are definitely up to something awesome...They're lip syncing "Barbara Ann" while sliding around the house. Bad ass. The girls are so impressed that they accidentally knock over Mrs. Powers' most prized possession: a bust of the King Elvis Presley. Screech faints, which leads to a...

Hazy pink dream sequence! Screech's mom is dead (because they broke the bust), and Belding is supposed to be Elvis. Screech feels awful for killing his mom.

The gang attempts to buy a new Elvis bust so no one will know the true, horrible secret. But a replica bust costs a whopping $250! They can never afford that. So they invite Maxwell over for a poker game, and he cleans up. Zack bets his last ten bucks, but Max raises his fifty! So they bet Screech's dog Hound Dog. Nerdstrom wins with four Kings, so he's got the dog, he's got the money, he's got everything, thank you!

The gang hatches a plan to get the dog back. Slater uses his muscles to intimidate Maxwell, but he has a state of the art bully alarm. Seriously. But Nerdstrom doesn't turn them in, and instead agrees to swap the dog for a date with Jessie. Meanwhile, Zack decides to have a party at Screech's and charge 5 bucks a head. The plan works. They have the dog back and also have enough money to buy a new Elvis bust. Everything is fine, right? Of course not.

Screech's parents are gone. And what the hell are all these people doing here? Zack convinces Screech's mom that it's a surprise anniversary party, and Zack saves the day by saving the King. How many times can Zack Morris save the day? He's like Superman, only not as gay.

I guess there were no stand out quotes today. Sorry people.

Running Zack

Cut to the Max. Zack just dominated the mile at the track meet. To celebrate, burgers and shakes all around! But before we can celebrate, we have to learn a little about everyone's ancestry. Lisa's great-great-great grandfather was a slave in the old south. Slater's was a bullfighter, and Jessie's ancestors are dead. I think she's hiding a something. Zack learns that he's part Indian.

Why all the ancestor talk? Family tree presentations are due in Miss Wenworth's class. Lisa gives a stirring report about her grandfather who helped other slaves escape. Now it's Jessie's turn. I hope we can learn more about the dirty little secret she's hiding. It seems that her ancestors sailed the high seas and shipped goods. What were these goods? Freakin' black people! Jessie's ancestors were slave traders! Will Lisa ever forgive her and receive her reparations? Stay tuned!

Since Zack is part Indian, he gives an awesomely racist presentation. Miss Wentworth is not happy, and makes him go see one of her equally crazy friends.

Chief Henry is not your typical Indian. He wears an LA Dodgers hat! Where's his headband? Anyways, he gives Zack a crap ton of books to read. But he doesn't have time because the big track meet with Valley is this weekend! Belding insists that Zack get an extension on his project because beating Valley is obviously more important than learning time management and discipline. She doesn't buy it, so no presentation, no track meet.

Running Zack is Zack's new nickname. This Chief Henry character sure is unorthodox! Anyways, Zack's great-great grandfather was a great chief. So Henry gives him a sweet Indian headband he made overnight. Thanks Chief Henry.

Lisa apparently doesn't care that Jessie's ancestors kidnapped and stole her ancestors. cough, Uncle Tom, cough.

Zack gives a badass presentation about how racist white people killed his people. Maybe Jessie's forefathers were involved? Anyways, he gets an A, and more importantly, he can run in the big track meet against Valley! There's only one problem...

Chief Henry is dead. What a buzzkill. Zack's heart is too heavy to run in the big track meet. The whole school is bummed. Until Chief Henry visits Zack in a dream and convinces his to kick Valley's ass. He dedicates the track meet to Chief Henry, and the school has its spirit back!

QUOTES!

Miss Wentworth: We can all learn from the mistakes of Jessie's forefathers. (Ouch!)

Model Students

We open in the school store, also knows as Nerds-R-Us. Yep, the school store is run by nerds, and boy you should see some of the awesome merchandise they're selling. Also, Kelly works there I guess. The gang decides the store needs new management, and Zack convinces Belding to let him run the store. With his savvy business sense, Zack will be a perfect fit, right?

Zack is able to turn the store around overnight I guess, and Slater is wearing an awesome shirt. I want one. Anyways, Zack figures out a great way to make money. It involves Screech secretly taking pictures of the girls at swim practice and then using these images to sell a "Girls of Bayside" swimsuit calendar (best part...Belding's head on Jessie's body is December. Picture it people).

These calendars fly off the shelves, but the girls are pissed and they go to Belding. He's pissed too, until a photographer with "Teen Fashion Magazine" shows up. It seems he's doing a spread on high school fashion, and he thinks the girls of Bayside would be perfect.

The photo shoot goes well, and Kelly is chosen to be on the cover of a special edition of the magazine. And she's off to Paris for a month for the shoot. Zack is less than thrilled because if she goes to Paris, kelly will forget about Zack forever. Bummer dude.

Zack hatches another brilliant plan. Since Kelly is leaving next week, Zack lets everyone know how much she's letting them down. Kelly's the anchor on the swim team, and there's no way they can win the big meet without her! And she's Slater's lab partner. He'll fail for sure without her! Wow, Kelly really is disappointing everyone.

Kelly wants everyone to come to the shoot, and they want to go. But Zack tells everyone she doesn't want them there (because it's soooo unprofessional). Feeling guilty, Kelly refuses to go to Paris.

Now Zack feels guilty. He admits that he lied, and Kelly forgives him. I guess she's off to Paris for the month. Or at least until the next episode.

QUOTES!

Jessie: Harriet weighs 200 pounds. She can't anchor. She IS an anchor.

Kelly: Why would you do that? I'm only going to be gone for a month.

Zack: Do you know how long that is in teen years?!

Zack's War

It seems Screech finally has a crush on someone other than Lisa. The lucky Lady is Molly, but unfortunately for Screech, she has a boyfriend named Butch. And Butch is exactly what his name implies...a real dick.

Belding walks into class with great news. Bayside has been chosen to host a pilot program for the California Cadet Corps. Lieutenant Chet Adams (or "Lt. Hunk," as Lisa likes to call him) is in charge of this program, and he's a real hardass. There's discipline and hard work involved, so obviously Zack wants nothing to do with it. Slater volunteers right away, and Zack gets a meeting with Belding.

Belding is finally fed up with Zack's wise cracks and gives him a month's full of Saturday detentions (that's 30 Saturdays people!). Zack protests, and Belding decides to blackmail Zack into joining the cadet corps. It seems he not only has to join, but he also has to fill the class. Easy, right?

Zack stirs up some macho "girls don't belong in the army" debate between Slater and Jessie, which pisses the feminist off and motivates her to sign up right away. Kelly joins because there's a chance of college scholarships (And with a house full of 7 kids, they need all the money they can get. Especially with Kelly's dad laid off), and Lisa joins because she has a major crush on Lt. Hunk. Zack convinces Screech that girls love macho army dudes.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Screech is dressed as Patton I guess, and he throws Butch through the ceiling? And Molly likes him now I guess. What a waste of a perfectly good hazy pink dream sequence.

Zack tries to quit the corps but Lt. Adams offers him a pretty sweet deal because Zack is obviously a born leader. It seems that there's going to be a competition between two teams, and Zack gets to pick the teams. If his team wins, Zack is allowed out of the corps (Why can't he just quit? He's not enlisted. It's high school people). Anyways, here are the rosters:

Red team (Slater): Alan, Screech, Lisa, and Louise

Blue team (Zack): Jessie, Kelly, Butch, and Rocko

Wait a second, that's not fair! Zack has all the jocks. Zack swears the teams are evenly matched, so Lt. Adams throws a curveball. Zack is now in charge of the Red team, and Slater gets the blue team! And these teams are complete opposites. It seems Slater has assembled a mean, lean marching machine. And as for the red team...well. They suck. There's no way this motley crew can win the competition, right? Zack does what anyone would do and quits. I don't blame him, and you wouldn't either if you saw this team.

Screech wines and Zack comes back to whip his team into shape. The competition starts, and apparently black people are really fast on the monkey bars. Lisa beats Jessie. Red 1, Blue 0.

Next up is the rope climb. Slater might be strong, but Louise is quick. And determined. Too bad it doesn't matter. Slater dominates and ties it up. Red 1, Blue 1.

It's Butch vs. Screech in the obstacle course. Screech falls on his face at the very start, giving Butch the easy win. It's Red 1, Blue 2, and things look bad for Zack.

Now it's time for the joust. And they're not facing any ordinary opponent. No, they have to face off against the very mean, fighting machine...the awesome, Beldo! Kelly tricks Belding and knocks him off in 6 seconds, but Zack outfoxes Belding (like he has numerous times before) and knocks him off in two. We're all tied up at Red 2, Blue 2.

It all comes down to the tug of war. Apparently these two teams are evenly matched in strength, and the rope breaks. We move on to the Super. Tug. of. War as the ultimate tie-breaker. Team Blue picks Butch, and Zack shows his confidence in Screech for some reason. Because of his newfound confidence, Screech beats Butch and wins the girl (because in high school when you defeat the bully you also get the girl). Red wins! Red 3, Blue 2. Zack decides to stay in the corps I guess, so what was the point of this whole episode?

QUOTES!

Screech: The bully gets the girl. I get the locker.

Jessie: Why aren't woman allowed on the front line?

Slater: Because we need cooks.

Zack: Women don't belong in the army.

Miss Bayside

Two weeks from tonight is the annual Miss Bayside beauty pageant. An awesome "swimsuit" chant breaks out, and apparently the winner gets to advance to compete in the Miss High School California pageant. Jessie complains that it's a sexist waste of time. Amen, Momma!

Jessie decides to protest the pageant, and Kelly joins her. But Lisa has decided to fight the critics and prove that it is indeed possible to be black and win a pageant. Zack thinks he can take anyone and make them the next Miss Bayside, but Slater thinks there's no way. They make a $50 bet, and since Zack said he could take anyone, Slater gets to pick the contestant. And guess who he picks...Screech! Wait a second, guys can't compete in beauty pageants!

Belding won't let Screech enter the pageant because it's strictly for girls. Period. Jessie hears and is immediately outraged because it's racist or something. She agrees to stop her protesting if Belding allows Screech to enter.

Slater and Lisa convince Jessie to join the very same pageant she was protesting. Kelly gets pissed and enters too. Thing look grim for our hero Zack and his chances to win the bet. Also, things are pretty hairy between Jessie and Kelly. Lots of awesome insults are thrown. Lisa is pissed because Kelly is constantly stealing the spotlight I guess.

It's time to rehearse for the talent portion of the show. Lisa plays the violin, which is weird. I always pictured her as a bass player. Jessie does some weird ass interpretative dance, and Kelly, well, she attempts to sing, and let's just say her real talent is the bikini competition. Screech is apparently a magician, and Kevin the robot is his talented assistant. Slater doesn't like his chances of winning the bet, so he enters himself in the pageant. Finally, some real hunks!

Meanwhile, Kevin accidentally punches Screech in the face. Brilliantly, Zack tells everyone that Slater punched Screech in the eye. I'd believe it. And in typical high school telephone fashion, the rumor spreads to "Hey did you hear Slater dropped Screech off the roof of the school?" and "Screech is in intensive care!"

Slater walks out on stage for the swimsuit competition to a chorus of crickets. Screech models an awesome one-piece and is greeted with an awesome ovation. Poor Screech. Kelly, Lisa and Screech advance to the finals, which is obviously the question and answer part of the show. Screeched has learned that every geek can have his day, and unselfishly asks the fans not to vote for him. True inner beauty. He wins anyways, and Belding sings an awesome rendition of the "Miss Bayside" song.

"Say isn't she..he...charming. Isn't he a pearl? Lovely, disarming, not even a girl. He's bursting with beauty, and now it's my duty, to present to you with pride, the very first Mr. Miss Bayside!"

Slater's ready to give Zack his fifty bucks, but Zack admits he started the rumor about Slater. Slater's not mad; instead they both admire what a beauty Screech is. As for us fans...we're left to wonder how Screech did in the Miss High School California pageant. My guess is third runner-up.

QUOTES!

Zack: Screech, I have something very important to tell you.

Screech: Alf flew back to Melmac?!

Jessie: This is no longer just a beauty pageant.

Kelly: That's right. You entered it!

Rent-a-Pop

Everyone is excited about the class ski trip. Unfortunately, they don't have any money. If Zack doesn't come up with something quick, he's going to have to sell his parents' house again (what?).

It seems the Max has a new waiter/struggling actor, James. Also, Zack comes up with a brilliant idea to raise some money for the ski trip. They'll have a carnival. What a great idea! Belding loves the idea too, but he has some rather unfortunate news for our hero. F,F,D, and C are Zack's grades for the semester, so Belding insists to meet Zack's father.

Zack goes to his father, and we can see a serious "Cats in the Cradle" thing going on. It seems Derek Morris is too busy wheeling and dealing in the computer industry to pay attention to his son. Zack tries to come clean about his grades, but of course the phone rings again. Derek Morris tells his son that he would ground his son for life if he was failing school. It looks like we have a predicament.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Zack is around 90 years old, and he's still hanging out in his room because he's been grounded for life. Everyone comes to visit him and say hello, but they most be off to go see their favorite group in concert, "Old Men on the Block." Also, it seems Kelly has chosen Slater because Zack hasn't been around for the last 75 years. After 60, she got frisky.

Cut to the Max. Zack explains his troubles to the new guy, James. That hatches a brilliant plan. We go to Belding's office, and James is pretending to be Derek Morris! Genius! This can't go wrong.

Belding suggests 2 weeks of after school tutoring for Zack, and James overacts. He is tough on Zack, and Belding sympathizes. Belding thinks Zack should be allowed to go on the ski trip, and everyone's happy. This surely won't backfire, right?

Of course it does. Belding wrote Derek a letter and asked him to chaperone the ski trip. What will Zack do? Well the obvious thing to do is hire James to play Belding while the real Derek Morris comes in for the meeting. Okay, this definitely can't backfire.

I guess the nerds think of Zack as their hero, because they play along with an awesome plan to distract Belding while James is in his office. Screech tells Belding that Valley has poisoned the chess team's Ovaltine, and he falls for it. ("Someone poisoned the chess team? What a sick world"). But Screech blows the plan (again) and Belding knows something is up. He rushes to his office, only to find James there once again playing the part of Derek Morris. Belding needs a vacation.

It's carnival time, and I guess people are paying money to arm wrestle Slater. Zack is running a three card monte scheme, and Belding is going to be in the dunk tank. Things are going great. Mr. Belding's in the dunk tank, Zack's going skiing, and Derek has no idea how horrible of a student his son really is. That is until he shows up at the carnival and sinks Belding. The real Mr. Belding and the real Derek Morris finally meet. Bummer.

Zack is not allowed to go to the ski trip, and he and Derek have a heart-to-heart about Derek being too busy at work for his family. To finally get through to his father, he calls him on his cell phone. How sad. Derek finally realizes what an asshole he is, and decides to take Zack fishing. I guess a fishing trip is almost as good as a ski trip?

QUOTES!

Slater: I could charge lonely girls 25 cents to watch me flex my muscles.

Belding: Zack, you're not a matador, so take the bull outside.

Driver's Education

Zack is in a great mood because driver's ed starts today. And I'm in a great mood because Mr. Tuttle is the driver's ed instructor.

Zack gives Kelly a ring, which I guess signifies that you're going steady.

Tuttle asks some fairly easy questions, and this gives Slater a chance to become teacher's pet. Apparently his dad taught him how to drive on an army base. What a stud. And he's the only one who has enough money to buy a car. It might not look like much, but Slater has ambitions to fix it up and I guess drive everyone around whenever they want. Through a little tv magic, the car is washed and is looking beautiful. And guess what. Slater turns 16 next week! Zack's worried that Slater is going to steal Kelly away, and he hatches a brilliant plan to make Slater fail driver's ed.

He goes to Tuttle and fabricates a story about how Slater is telling everyone he should be teaching the class. Tuttle is obviously pissed off and sets up a ridiculously hard obstacle course for Slater. But Slater dominates the course and Tuttle falls back in love with him.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Slater and Kelly are on a date in his car at the drive in. Next to them, Zack and Screech are parked on Zack's bike. How is Zack supposed to impress Kelly without a car?

He might be down, but our protagonist is never out. He gives Slater $20 for a private driving lesson after school. Zack steals the drivers ed golf cart, and apparently he cut the brakes. Kelly shows up, and Slater offers to drive her to volleyball practice. They crash into the lockers and Kelly hits her head.

Belding is pissed off. He wants the people responsible to admit it by noon tomorrow, or else! Everyone wants Slater to confess, but Screech chokes under pressure and tells everyone Zack was responsible. The gang concocts a plan to get Zack to admit.

Kelly pretends to have amnesia. She can't remember Zack and thinks Slater is her boyfriend. Zack decides to admit to everything and swears to get Kelly the best doctor money can buy. Kelly smiles and says "thanks Zack." Morris catches onto the plan.

Belding gives everyone one last chance to admit to their crime. Zack doesn't confess, so Belding punishes the whole class. He cancels driver's ed for the entire year. I didn't know the principal has that kind of power. Kelly and Slater try to take the blame, but apparently Zack has a conscious and he confesses. Slater gets two weeks in detention for his part, and Zack flunks driver's ed. Harsh.

Good news for Zack, however. Even though he hatched an elaborate plan to get Slater kicked out of driver's ed, Kelly still loves him and wants her ring back. Awww!

QUOTES!

Mr. Tuttle: Zack, what is the correct driving position?

Zack: Well, for me it's one arm on the wheel, and one arm around Kelly.

Slater: This baby's gonna look great after I give it a little facelift.

Zack: Give me a break. The doctors who worked on Michael Jackson couldn't help this old piece.

Jessie: Slater, why don't you be a man and confess?

Slater: Jessie, why don't you be a woman and cook?

1-900 Crushed

We might have another first-ballot Hall of Famer here folks.

Zack is reading "Making Money" magazine, and he's looking for a big idea to become a millionaire before the age of 20. His brilliant idea? Get a 900 number and charge 2 bucks a call. Now they just need a gimmick.

Jessie is reading a "Dear Donna" letter to Lisa, and amazingly Lisa has the exact same advice as the professional! This sounds like a gimmick to make some money. And Zack definitely realizes it. "The Lisa Line" is about to take off.

Also, Kelly's 7th grade sister Nickie has a huge crush on Zack (and let's be honest...who doesn't?). That means...hazy pink dream sequence! The girls are bragging about how Prince Zachary will pick them, and Slater and Screech come in rapping. Seriously. Zack raps about how his girl will be the only one to fit the gold sneaker. Nickie, the poor peasant cleaning floors, miraculously fits the gold sneaker!

Screech is curious how much money our young millionaires are about to make. Let's see, $2 a call, 5 hours a day, 7 days a week = Zack and Slater are rich! Lisa demands half, and for some reason Zack agrees to her ridiculous demands.

We also have a great sub-plot in this episode. The sexual chemistry between Slater and Jessie is killing me. It seems they both had a great time at the prom, but are too stubborn to ask each other out. They finally agree on a date, and the greatest second-string romance in Bayside history is born.

Business is booming at the Teen Line. (Zack has an awesomely fake Australian accent and calls himself "Nitro." Screeh is the Ant Man..."What's bugging you?", and Lisa is a southern belle named Princess.). Meanwhile...Kelly's sister Nickie calls and Zack advises her to follow her heart and go after the man she adores.

Zack's advice backfires and Nickie is head-over-heels in love now. Zack agrees to give her a kiss on the cheek and a hug, and Jessie sees it all. "What a slimeball!"

Meanwhile, the phones at the Teen Line have stopped ringing. I guess because they've given out such great advice. Apparently Lisa has solved everyone's problems. Zack fires Lisa and decides they're going to give bad advice, causing them to call back.

Hilarity ensues. Slater breaks his date with Jessie, and Kelly thinks Zack is dating Nickie. It seems our blond hero has his hands full with two Kapowskis. We should all be so lucky. Kelly calls in, and so does Nickie. Zack gets the lines mixed up and tells Kelly off, and accidentally tells Nickie that he's in charge of the Teen Line and she's the only Kapowski he loves. Uh oh!

A silly string fight breaks out in art class, and Belding gets hit in the face with a pile of clay. He has an intervention in his office, and we find out that the Teen Line is at the root of everyone's problems. Beling gives Zack and ultimatum, and he works to straighten out the problems at Bayside.

Lisa fixes everything, and Zack dresses up as a nerd to get Nickie to fall out of love with him. But his plan backfires. Apparently Nickie is a huge dork. Why isn't she in love with Screech? Zack gives Nickie some real talk and order is restored at Bayside.

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Don't get a 900 number and then give all your friends bad advice because you will have to fix everything yourself and you won't make any money anyways.

QUOTES!

Slater: Well maybe this hula babe was an oinker.

Jessie: Obviously we don't have to go to a luau to find a pig.

Moose's poetry: "The birds and the bees in the trees don't compare to your knees, Louise."

Save the Max

Screech shows Zack an old room in the school that apparently no one knows about. The room has all kinds of rock n roll posters, and that only means one thing. It's an old radio station, KKTY-FM, home of Tiger Radio. (Yes, THE KKTY. Our namesake). Screech plugs it in and gets mildly electrocuted.

KKTY was the voice at Bayside in the 60's, and it was run by the hippest, hottest, most rad deejay ever...The Big Bopper Richie Belding. The gang wants to put KKTY back on the air, but Belding instantly refuses. But they're able to convince him with an awesome "Bopper! Bopper! Bopper!" chant.

I guess Zack is now the station manager, and Slater wants to be in charge of sports. Apparently at home he turns down the tv and does play by play in his living room, so he has to be really good, right? Wrong.

Meanwhile, Jessie does some detective work and finds that the Max is owned by the Bayside school district. And if Max doesn't come up with $10,000 in back rent by next week, everyone's favorite hang out will be turned into a parking lot. Time to take to the airwaves!

Belding is pissed off and says he's not going to stick his neck out over this radio station again. Again? What did he mean? There must be something he isn't telling us.

The school paper reviews the station, and they love everyone except Slater. He's boring, dull, and should become a mime. The gang doesn't stick up for him when he objects, so he quits the station.

Jessie continues to dig, and she finds what Belding is hiding. While a student, he apparently mooned the school board while protesting their ban on long hair and blue jeans. He was the Zack Morris of the 60's! Zack blackmails Belding into helping convince the school board to not shut down the Max.

Cut to the Max, where the station is holding a Save the Max radio telethon. In comes the Big Bopper, and KKTY's first living legend kicks off the show the same way he used to kick off his old show:

It's time for...Bel-bel-bel-bel-da-ding-da-ding-ding, Bel-bel-bel-bel-da-ding-da-dong-ding Belding

Even though he quit the radio station, Slater pledges his savings, a cool $100. Despite his awesome pledge, the telethon is quickly slowing down. The phones stopped ringing hours ago, and everyone's passed out. Wolfman Zack has lost his voice. Things look grim. That is until...

Slater shows up to save the day! He takes the mic and delivers one of the most stirring inspirational speeches of all time.

Alright everybody, listen up. I'm A.C. Slater and I've got something to say. Now look, I used to move around a lot. I never had a place I could actually call home. Until I came to Bayside. And now, for the first time, I have real friends. And a cool place to hangout. It's kind of like a second home. Whenever I'm bummed, there's always someone here to help. Now I know it's late, and everyone's tired, and the easy thing to do is to quit, right? But hey, quitting never works. Look guys, we can't give up. No, we gotta save this place! So get off your tails and make a donation. Let's keep the Max alive!

The phones start ringing, and the Max is saved. Thank god for A.C. Slater.

QUOTES!

Lisa: Do you think we should be honest and tell him he stinks?

Jessie: How can we without hurting his feelings?

Screech: Why don't we just wave a skunk in front of him?

Kelly: Do you think we're doing the right thing?

Zack: Hey, is Belding balding?

Jessie: We have a duty to report the truth.

Belding: The truth?! You and Pinocchio Morris?

From Nurse to Worse

Zack asks Kelly to go steady with him, but going together is a big decision and she needs some time to think about it.

Zack is head over heels in love with Kelly. That is until the new girl Jennifer shows up, and she is a fox. Cut to deaf Miss Simpson's class, and the class has to recite the poetry they wrote. Moving stuff. Also, this week is physical and flu shot week. And Slater hates needles!

Jessie and Zack report to the nurse's office, and apparently Jessie needs glasses! Zack meets the school nurse, and it's Jennifer...the new girl he's in love with! Seriously. I guess he's over Kelly already, just as she tells him she'll go steady with him.

Zack fakes being sick just to go see the school nurse. (I wish I had this problem when I was in school. Our nurses were always old ladies). Jennifer goes to get her thermometer while Slater walks in. Zack thinks it's Jennifer coming back, and hilarity ensues. Zack professes his love for Jennifer (Slater), and Slater blackmails Zack into taking his flu shot for him.

Zack goes to Screech to find a nerd to take Kelly's mind off him. He has the perfect guy in mind, Melvin Nerdly. It seems he's a sub on the chess team, so he has to be a dork, right?

Lisa goes to Jennifer and gives her a full report. She hatches a great plan (which includes seducing Zack), and her advances work to a charm. She scares off the blond Tom Cruise. Zack goes over to Kelly's, but she's with Melvin Nerdly, and guess what...he is a stud! Zack professes his love to Kelly once again, but she denies him. Ouch.

The Prom

Next week is the prom, and Zack and Slater are forcing Kelly to pick a date. She's stressed out about it and we have a really early...

Hazy pink dream sequence! Screech is Geraldo, and he's hosting a "Hunk-off" to help Kelly choose her date to the prom. Zack and Slater are dressed in their Sunday bests, and she chooses Slater!

Kelly wakes up feeling awful about letting Zack down, and chooses him to be her prom date. The foundation has been set for their marriage already, and everyone is happy (including this reporter). It seems nothing can go wrong.

Kelly's dad has to talk to her, and this doesn't seem good. It seems that he works at a defense plant (what?) and world peace has broken out, so he's out of a job. How unfortunate. Kelly feels guilty and gives her dad back her prom money. She puts on a good front, but she's devastated. I'd be devastated to if I couldn't go to the prom with Zack Morris.

Kelly doesn't have the heart to tell Zack, even though he's taken elaborate measures such as renting a limo and trying to name the prom"Zack and Kelly's Prom."

Slater and Jessie are in charge of prom music (I guess they can't afford a deejay), and they finally decide they want each other while dancing. He asks her to the prom she agrees to pick him up at 7.

I missed it, but apparently Lisa finally gave in and agreed to go to the movies with Screech. But she makes everyone sit in between the two of them. She keeps asking annoying questions and Screech finally realizes what we all know...black people are really annoying at the movies. Screech dumps Lisa! Imagine that. Also, Kelly finally tells Zack that she can't go to the prom with him.

Zack is really pissed until Slater informs him that Kelly's poor, and that's the reason she can't go to the prom. He shows up at her house on prom night, and takes her to a romantic private prom picnic outside of the gym. Spoiler alert: This is the exact same location where Kelly breaks up with Zack for that asshole Jeff. Did they ever have a chance?

QUOTES!

Lisa: Are you sure Matt Dillon's not in this movie?

Screech: Yes. Alan Thicke is the zombie. Everybody knows that.

Blind Dates

Here's a shock...Zack has detention. But he's not concerned about it because he's Kelly's date to her birthday party on Saturday night. But Slater is determined to get Kelly back someday, so watch your back Preppy.

Belding's niece is in town this weekend, but he's having trouble trying to find her a date. Oh well. I'm sure that's the last we'll hear of that. Also, Lisa is trying to set Jessie up on a blind date.

Zack has earned his 9th detention of the semester, and ten means...suspension! He better behave. Zack is caught as the middle man passing a note between Lisa and Jessie. He gets caught and has to read the note in close. "I won't go out with him unless I meet him first." Belding is glowing when he gets to suspend Zack for the week.

But Zack's in luck...kind of. Belding blackmails him into dating his niece Penny Belding this Friday night. But that won't get in the way of the party, right? Wait. What's that? The Max was booked on Saturday so the party got moved to Friday? But Zack has plans with Penny Belding on Friday! How can he possibly get out of this?

Hazy pink dream sequence! Zack is hosting "The Blind Date Game" (It makes sense. Remember when he wanted to grow up and be a game show host? Look out Wink Martindale!) and Jessie has to pick from three guys. They are Teddy Krueger, Mason Vohrees, and the richest teenager in the world, Donald Chump (played by Screech). This causes Jessie to irrationally freak out about her date.

She finally meets Brett, her blind date, and they immediately take a liking to each other and make plans to go to Kelly's party together. But there's a problem...Brett's really short. And Jessie's really tall. This can't work out at all! The date is off.

Meanwhile in the locker room, Zack convinces Screech to pretend to be him and take out Penny Belding on Friday. And Screech gets to act like his hero Zack Morris. Win-win. Except Slater was hiding in a stall and heard the whole plan!

Zack shows Screech how to be a pimp, and Jessie realizes what an ass she's being for hating Brett because he's short.

Slater convinces Screech that Kelly will be devastated if "one of her best friends" Screech doesn't come to her party, so he decides to show up after the movie.

Cut to the party at the Max. Everyone is having a great time, except for Slater who is dateless (because he chose to, right?). Screech shows up with Penny Belding and she immediately starts talking about how much of a stud muffin "Zack" (Screech) is. Slater convinces Penny to talk to Kelly about how awesome "Zack" (again, Screech) is. It seems Penny and "Zack" have had a great time together and are planning on heading over to Belding's house (he won't be home for a while...wooooooooo!).

Kelly is pissed and calls Zack out, but then she's so happy because no one else would go to that much trouble to make her happy. Zack 1 Slater 0. And I'm assuming Screech got laid at Belding's house that night. So good for him.

QUOTES:

Slater: Of course, you know, when a guy goes alone, it's because he wants to. Now when a girl goes alone, it's because she can't get a guy to take her.

(Amen, brother!)

Slater: It's incredible what you can hear standing on a toilet.

Save that Tiger

This week is the city cheerleading finals, and once again Bayside and Valley are the favorites. But the real competition is the prank war between the two schools, and Zack plans on going down in history as Prankster Prince.

After Valley strikes first by toilet papering some Bayside nerds, the guys strike fast. First they superglue Valley's track, causing the 100 yard dash to go on for hours. Next, they pump helium into the glee club room. But that's nothing compared to the big prank. They steal the Valley school banner!

Valley answers quickly by trashing the Bayside campus. Apparently vandalism is only frowned upon, but not punishable. Belding sets up a meeting with Valley's principal, and it seems he's not upset at the pranking, but at how amateur Valley is. The principals decide to end the prank war. Boy, am I glad that's over!

But wait! The girls send the guys over to Valley to steal their top-secret cheers. But instead of stealing their cheers, they steal their live bulldog mascot. The guys from Valley somehow get their hands on some Bayside letter jackets, sneak into the school, and steal the Bayside tiger mascot. Unfortunately, Screech is the mascot, and he's the key to winning the cheerleading competition. I guess everyone is more concerned about the competition and the prank war than Screech being kidnapped by Valley thugs.

The gang tells Belding the truth and the principals decide to exchange mascots before the competition. But those dudes from Valley still have a prank up their sleeves. It seems Screech isn't in the tiger costume, but instead it's a Valley guy. And he's going to ruin Bayside's routine! Thank god Zack can think on his feet. He dumps ants into the tiger costume, somehow causing the guy from Valley to execute a perfect front/back handspring combo, winning Bayside the crown! Bayside wins the coveted Golden Megaphone! Valley may have struck the first blows, but it looks like Bayside got them in the end. Go Tigers!

QUOTES:

Jessie: I'm sorry, but I just don't approve of that kind of behavior.

Slater: Well then send me to my room Momma!

Screech's Birthday

We start with Zack in Screech's room talking to Kevin the Robot. Yesterday was Schreech's birthday and apparently everyone forgot. Poor Screech.

Today we are introduced to one of the great tragic heroes of our time. Nasty Neil the Hall Monitor. What a badass. He's one of the truly greats in hall monitor history. Some may hate him, but he's just doing his job to the best of his ability.

The gang decides the best way to make it up to Screech is by throwing him a surprise party. The best part of the surprise? He won't be expecting it because his birthday was yesterday! And Zack decides that this will be the most daring birthday party ever. They're going to throw the party at school...and here's the kicker...in Belding's office!

The only problem in their way is Nasty Neil. The gang devises a plan to set him up and force him out of the position he holds dearly. It's a witch hunt. Their plan involves getting Nasty Neil to spit insults at them (and taping him in the process).

Cut to Mr. Dewey's math class (Seriously. Mr. Dewey is the man. I think I could write an entire blog on the awesomeness that is the Dewman). Zack plays the tape of Nasty Neil at opportune times, making Neil look like a dick. Dewey gets pissed and throws him in detention, and more importantly, strips him of his beloved hall monitor badge. They nominate Screech for hall monitor, and I guess that's all it takes to get the job.

Mr. Dewey is tired of seeing Screech get stepped on (literally), and inspires him with an awesome Dirty Harry impression.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Screech is Roboscreech, Hall Monitor of the future. There's a duel between Screech and Nasty Neil, which unfortunately results in Neil being reduced to dust. So sad.

It seems Screech has become power hungry and has thrown everyone in detention. He's like the nerd in high school that becomes a cop just so he can pick on cool high school kids. Detention is standing room only, and things look grim until Zack pretends to be Belding's secretary and gets them all out. They throw Screech the party he deserves and everyone is happy. Hooray.

QUOTES!

Jessie: I'm auditioning as Joan of Ark.

Slater: Hey doesn't she die in that play?

Jessie: Yeah.

Slater: Go for it!

Jessie: I am class President. I could be ruined here at Bayside!

Slater: Yeah. Let's risk it!

(Anyone noticing a pattern here?)

Mr. Dewey: Detention's too crowded. Maybe we should bring back the death penalty.

Zack: Mr. Dewey, can you explain the quadratic equation?

Mr. Dewey: Why not? It will kill some time before the bell rings.

Mr. Dewey: I'm so mad I could spit nails.

Zack: I think the next hall monitor should be someone who's fair, decent, and honest. Someone we really care about.

Mr. Dewey: I'm a teacher. I can't be hall monitor.

(saying the password to get in Belding's office)

Kelly: Zack Morris the most awesome guy in the world. He's so hot, I just want to be with him forever.

Zack: You missed stud muffin, but close enough.

Slater: Mr. Dewey. I just rememberd I left my gym locker open . Someone might take my wrestling jersey. Can I be excused?

Mr. Dewey: Wrestle topless. It will drive them wild.

Slater's Friend

This week's topic in speech class is "My Best Friend." Slater's best friend is his chameleon Artie. I guess that happens when you've gone to 200 different high schools or whatever it is. Apparently he's the only friend he hasn't had to say goodbye to. Slater's heading to San Diego this weekend and entrusts Screech to babysit (chameleon sit?).

Jessie was supposed to help Kelly with her speech, but apparently she promised her mom she would help picket an oil company. Zack comes to Kelly's rescue and they're getting pretty close until Jessie jumps through the window and cockblocks. I guess they ran out of gas (because her mom refused to fill up out of principal! Hahahaha!)

Slater's due back from San Diego, but bad news. Artie is dead. Nice work guys. You killed Slater's best friend. Everyone feels responsible for killing him, but I'm assuming they're going to cover up the murder. It's not the lie, but the cover up that gets you in trouble. Ask Nixon.

Zack buys a brand new chameleon to fool Slater, but so did the girls! Slater doesn't believe either one of these fakes are the real Artie. Nice work Columbo.

Hazy pink dream sequence! The gang is in a criminal lineup, and the witness? Artie. Or Slater dressed up in a lizard costume. Belding is the cop and the two are handing out punishments for the murder. Screch is given a lifetime of solitary confinement. Jessie has to sit on a block of ice in a bikini. Kelly is guilty of leaving Artie under a desk lamp so she has to dance around on a frying pan. Lisa apparently killed him with dirty looks and is stuck wearing polyester? How hideous!

Slater is dealing with some serious denial here. He's searching Zack's room for Artie (and finds the awesome Kelly Kapowski cutout that Zack keeps in his room). They hand him the box and all Slater can say is "So what? It's just a dead lizard." How sad.

He starts acting out in class to cover up his deep-seeded anger at his best friend for dying on him. He's sent to Belding's office and there's some concern. This isn't the A.C. Slater we all know and love. Slater finally has a breakthrough and is able to grieve properly.

The gang gives Artie a proper funeral he deserves. Everyone shares their thoughts on the beloved lizard, and then they sing "Oh Artie Boy" to the tune of "Oh Danny Boy." If that doesn't bring tears to your eyes then you're not human. Slater realizes he has others who care about him as much as Artie did.

QUOTES:

(Editor's note) There's nothing funny about killing someone's best friend. No quotes today.

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Don't kill your friend's best friend and then cover up the murder. That's just asking for trouble.

Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind

It seems Zack is making a student film for whatever reason. And it's not just any ordinary student film...it's a zombie/alien film! I bet you can guess who plays the alien. Lisa overacts, accidentally knocks out Screech's tooth, and causes Slater to drop the school's brand new camera.

The gang is attempting to come up with ideas to buy a new camera when they find an ad in "The National Babbler" that is offering $1500 for the best pictures of an alien. How convenient! Screech just happens to have an alien costume from the film! What could go wrong?

Apparently Screech was extremely believable as an alien. An "interviewer" from the magazine shows up at the Max and harasses the gang. Something seems off about this guy. He offers $10,000 to meet the alien. Greedy Zack Morris agrees to the meeting. What?! His name is Lieutenant Thompson?! From the government? This can't be good.

Screech got his broken tooth filled in and now he can apparently pick up radio stations in his mouth. I think he needs a new dentist. Lt. Thompson is in Belding's office and informs us that he's with the Air Force's UFO Investigation Unit. Screech walks into the office and Thompson hears his tooth radio and immediately becomes intrigued.

Thompson sees the "alien" first hand at the school, but Screech screws the whole thing up. Thompson doesn't believe the act one bit, until Screech reveals he is secretly Zorch, a real alien. Thompson decides to take the "alien" to Washington for some test. And that's right, the tests include disection! Ouch.

Apparently the best way to fool a government officer is to put everyone in Screech masks, because after all, if you're gonna take one, you're gonna have to take us all. Brilliant plan guys.

QUOTES!

Secretary: Mr. Belding, please report to the gym. The water polo team has a horse in the pool again!

Screech: Zack, do they wear underwear in heaven?

Friendship Business

If there's a Saved by the Bell Hall of Fame (and let's be honest, there should be), then this episode is a first-ballot lock.

Their group project for Mr. Tuttle's economics class is to start a business. The deadline is today, and they have nothing. Jessie is positive they're going to all get F's for sure. Some of the brilliant ideas include a surfboard made of cardboard and a pocket protector protector. Genius. We come to Zack's group and he brilliantly decides to market the friendship bracelets Lisa made. They're in business!

Hazy pink dream sequence! Screech is "Robin Screech" and Zack has become the richest man in America. He's so rich he was able to buy Bill Cosby (I thought the 13th Amendment outlawed that?) and make Belding his personal chauffeur.

What's going to be the name of the company? Slater proposes "Friendship Forever" (because they're selling friendship bracelets and they're all friends. Perfect). But who's going to be the vice president? Zack claims he's president, but apparently the group all decided yesterday that Jessie would be president. Jessie's pissed off and starts her own business, and Slater and Kelly follow her.

Apparently you can set up a booth in the halls and sell merchandise without consequence. Friendship Forever has a net profit of $120! That's incredible. It appears friendship bracelets are unbeatable. That is until...

Jessie & co break out a sweet music video advertising their new product, "Buddy Bands." Apparently they're so effective that they helped Slater make friends and get a date to the dance. Buddy Bands. Hey, they work.

Friendship Forever is losing money...fast. They need to offer their customers a premium. And what better thing to accompany a friendship bracelet than...a free friend! Genius. Zack becomes power hungry, causing Screech and Lisa to leave the business. Dejected and without manpower, Zack has no choice but to shut down the business.

Jessie might be president, but everyone has equal say over at Buddy Bands. It seems nothing can stop the juggernaut that is Buddy Bands. Nothing except...Zack Morris. He buys a Buddy Band and hatches a brilliant plan. What's the best way to destroy a cool fad? Get Belding in on it of course!

After watching Belding pump some iron in the locker room, Zack gives him his Buddy Band. Belding gets choked up and proudly sports it around school. Everyone quickly returns their Buddy Bands and the fad of wearing an elastic headband disappears just as quickly as it came.

The group and Zack reconcile and decide to combine their two products into a new one: Love Cuffs. They sell just enough to break even and sell the rest of their inventory to the nerds to make book straps. Tuttle threatens to give them F's, but apparently it's more important to be friends than run a successful business in economics class. A's for everyone!

QUOTES!

Student: (on Buddy Bands)Belding's wearing one! You can't get more defective than that!

Zack: This baby was a good idea. And so was this baby. Now if we put them together maybe something new can be born.

Screech: Sorry I have to go home. My mom wants to be the one to tell me how babies are born.

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Don't start a school business with your friends and then branch out to your own company and then put each other out of business because that's bad friendship unless you can put your two ideas together and create something awesome and everyone gets A's.

The Zack Tapes

This week is the annual Sweetheart Dance, when a guy literally gives away his heart. Here's a shocker...Slater and Zack are fighting over Kelly Kapowski's affection. However, Zack is in hot water with Belding (for filling the swimming pool with tea bags) and is in danger of missing the dance. Lisa walks in playing the new Bo Revere tape and all the kids love it. "Don't Leave With Your Love" is a hot jam.

It's crazy Miss Wentworth's class. Today they're talking about subliminal advertising, and that gives Zack a great idea. Why not use subliminal messages to trick Belding into thinking he's a great kid? Zack slips Belding a Beach Boys tape and hopes the plan works like a charm. Because Zack can't attend the dance, Kelly accepts Slater's heart (and is contractually obligated to go to the Sweetheart dance with Slater).

Cut to Belding's office. He's rocking out to "California Girls," when Zack comes in for their disciplinary meeting. But how can he punish Zack? He's a good kid! He's a great student! He's the son he never had.

If hidden messages worked on Belding, why can't they work to pick up girls? Suddenly nerds are getting all the hot girls. Screech makes tapes to slip to Kelly and Lisa, and dresses up as a girl to slip in their locker room. His new persona? Barbara Bush. The tapes do indeed work like a charm, and Kelly literally rips Slater's heart out and seduces Zack. Lisa falls in love with her Screechy. Things seem too good to be true.

Cut to the Max. Jessie borrowed Kelly's Bo Revere tape (the one with the hidden messages) and suddenly finds herself in love with Zack. The girls realize something weird is going on here (almost like they've been brainwashed!). Take away the glasses, wig, and dress from Barbara Bush and you have Screech. And where there's a Screech, there's a Zack.

The girls decide to teach Zack a lesson. Belding announces that they're going to make learning more fun by playing a new hit song every day. First up (you guessed it) is Bo Revere, courtesy of Kelly's tape. All the girls in school act like they're in love with Zack (but who needs a tape to fall in love with the blond Tom Cruise?). These girls are like a hoard of Zombies until Slater seems to come to the rescue. But he's in on the plan and places his heart on Zack.

They admit to the sting and everyone has a good laugh. But we're left to wonder who went to the dance with whom.

QUOTES!

Belding: Zack, I'm not a straw. Quit sucking up.

Zack: Zack Morris is a good kid. Zack Morris is a great student. Zack Morris is a fine human being. Zack Morris is the son I never had.

(Bo Revere tape): Zack Morris is a blond Tom Cruise. Zack Morris is a ten. Zack Morris is perfect in every way. Yes, that's Zack Morris.

Slater: Hey! Alright, just leave him alone.

Zack: Slater! Am I glad to see you. Please, keep them away.

Slater: Alright just back off. Back off. (puts his heart on Zack) He's going to the dance with me.

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? You shouldn't use subliminal messages to get your dream girl to fall in love with you unless you're ready to deal with the consequences. And I guess those consequences are every girl in school wanting you.

Beauty and the Screech

Kelly has won tickets to the George Michael concert. I'm jealous. It seems she only has two tickets, and Zack and Slater both want to go. Who wouldn't want to go to the George Michael concert? However, Kelly failed her science test and there's no way her parents will let her go to the concert, and we all know what a cockblock that would be for Zack. So he enlists the services of science geek Screech to tutor Kelly. It's a win-win for everyone!

I think this episode marks the debut of Kevin the Robot. Why would a robot that cool hang out with Screech? Anyways...Screech does a great job tutoring Kelly and apparently she develops a crush on him. It happens to the best of us. They must be in love...they share a milkshake with TWO straws! Bad news for our hero.

Soon the rumor that Kelly and Screech are an item spreads through the Bayside halls like a wildfire. It even reaches the ears of President Bush and Gorbachev. Big news. It seems Screechmania (Slater's term, not mine) is running wild.

Hazy pink dream sequence! In a world where nerds are cool, Zack and Slater become, you guessed it, nerds. Kelly walks in wearing a pizza on her head? And Screech walks in and does a horrible James Bond impersonation. I'm confused.

Don't worry. Zack has a plan. It seems the best way to outfox a nerd is to get a bigger nerd. Who's the bigger nerd? That's right. Richard Belding. Here's the plan: The guys get Belding to think Screech and Kelly are going to get married, and then he'll have no choice but to break them up. Genius.

Kelly gets an A on her test and decides to take Screech to the George Michael concert. However, for some strange reason, he's not a George Michael fan. They decide they don't have anything in common, and the hottest romance of the year ends abruptly. Kelly gives the tickets to Zack and Slater. Two dudes together at a George Michael concert. Makes sense.

QUOTES!

Zack: I like school. It's a good way to kill time between weekends. It gives me five days to plan my Saturday night.

Belding: Screech, you can't elope!

Screech: Who are you calling a cantaloupe you melon head?!

Pinned to the Mat

It's career week at school. We learn that Zack longs to be a game show host because all you have to do is brush your teeth and smile. Kelly wants to be a housewife and/or actress (According to Zack she would be a great actress because she starts every night in his dreams. You're not alone there preppy). And Slater...well, all Slater is interested in is his wrestling match against Valley on Friday.

And it's not just any regular jobber Slater is facing. It's Valley's undefeated wrestling machine, Marvin Nedick. Zack calls a timeout to let the home audience know that every year he bets against Nedick, and every year he loses. But he's confident his horrible losing streak is about to come to an end. The wager? Nedick's dirtbike vs. Zack's non-existent dirtbike. It's a sure thing. Slater is a stud. There's no way Zack can lose, right?

At the Max, Slater declares his ambition to become the next Hulk Hogan. "Slatermania is runnin' wild!" No one considers that a real career (besides me) and Slater becomes concerned about his future.

Hazy pink dream sequence! We fast forward 25 years or so to a reunion at the Max. Jessie is Judge Jessie Spano. Lisa is a world-famous fashion designer (her name is on Belding's ass!). Screech is Captain Screech Powers, the great space explorer. Zack is the most successful game show host ever, and he introduces his lovely wife Kelly Morris (a bit of foreshadowing?). And here comes Slater. He's a bodacious professional wrestler, and in my opinion, the most successful of the group.

Stressed out about his future, Slater quits the wrestling team and joins the cooking club. Solid career move. And he's no typical jock. It seems young Albert Clifford is rather astute in the kitchen.

Nedick enters the Max and calls Slater a pussy for quitting the wrestling team. He even calls him a chicken, but Slater doesn't budge. Apparently Slater has more self-control than Marty McFly.

Zack hatches a brilliant plan to pit Screech against Nedick, assuming Slater won't be able to bare the sight of Screech getting pounded. Cut to the gymnasium, where we once again see the greatest cheer in the history of cheers.

"Be-bah-be-bah-bah-bah-be-be! Be-bah-be-bah-bah-bah-be Go Bayside!"

Nedick starts assaulting Screech, and the outlook is grim. That is until Slater comes to the rescue. Apparently he realized that he's just a kid and doesn't need a career. He easily squashes Nedick, and everyone is a better person. Except for Zack, who gets detention for gambling. Tough break Morris.

QUOTES!

Jessie: (to Zack) I didn't know you wanted a career in medicine.

Zack: Why not? I'm sick of school!

Kelly: I still want to be an actress, but I also want to be a mom and have lots of kids.

Zack: And one day I'd like to help you with that.

Slater: Why have a litter of preppies when you can have a bunch of little stud muffins like me?

Nedick: Who's worried? Come Friday I'm going to be riding something in the dirt. Either your bike or your face.

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Don't gamble a dirtbike you don't have on a wrestling match that your friend is sure to win until he becomes worried about his future and quits the wrestling team to become a chef but then realizes he's just a kid and decides to wrestle again.

The Baby-sitters

Kelly has declared an emergency and the gang is assembled for breakfast at the Max. Kelly's parents apparently got snowed in at the ski lodge, and Kelly is stuck babysitting her baby brother Billy! And cheerleading pictures are first period! But don't worry, the gang has volunteered to babysit by committee. First up...Zack Morris!

Hilarity ensues during Zack's French quiz. Apparently a baby sounds just like a French guy. Coincidence? I think not.

Oh no! Kelly broke her arm. Zack is taking his role as Kelly's baby daddy a little too seriously.

Hazy pink dream sequence! We see Zack raising the future Morris heir, and let me tell you, he is a great father. We should all be so lucky.

The girls have Home Ec this period? Sound like a perfect time to watch a baby. In this class, they learn valuable lessons like how to hold a baby. Your tax money at work people. Screech comes to the rescue, but accidentally grabs a doll instead of young Billy. Smooth move Screech.

Billy is missing, and here comes Kelly back from the hospital. So where's Billy? The search is on with old time piano music with the video sped up while people go in and out of different lockers. Haha! There's still no sign of young Billy, but don't worry! Belding to the rescue! Billy's in the principal's office. Thank God for Richard Belding.

It seems young Billy has learned a lot at his first day at Bayside. His first word? Zack. I think that was mine too.

QUOTES!

Lisa: Screech, I think you forgot your clothes.

Screech: Lisa! I didn't want you to see me this way until our honeymoon!

Belding: Your attention please. This is your principal, Mr. Belding. Yearbook pictures are being taken in the library. Chess club, your move. Insect club, you go in five minutes, so stop bugging me!

Belding: Spirit squad meets on the field. Go team! And go now.