The New Girl

I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news? There are still some episodes to recap. The bad news? They're Tori episodes.

Zack walks in and he's furious. Someone had the audacity to park in his space. Ridiculous. And you want to know the worst part? It's a chick. And she's sassy. And she's not impressed by Zack Morris. I guess this new hardcore biker chick is part of the gang now. Okay.

Zack does the logical thing, and complains to Belding. Unfortunately, Belding doesn't sympathize with Preppy. Meanwhile, apparently it's Fall Ball time. Zack looks for a loophole in the student handbook while the Fall Ball committee attempts to come up with a theme. Slater suggests a basketball theme, which I happen to think would be awesome. Tori has a brilliant idea, as she suggests a fall harvest. What a novel idea! Pumpkins and leaves at a FALL BALL.

We're in class, and it's time to team up. Screech is apparently tired of doing all the work for Zack, so our hero is forced to partner with the new girl. Their project is to create a marketing plan for a computer date book. Meanwhile, Lisa is a real bitch to the rest of the dance committee, and they quit. This seems really familiar. Anyways, Lisa enlists Tori to help, and admits that without Kelly and Jessie, Tori is her only friend.

It's time to present the projects, and Tori is nowhere to be found. Zack starts the project without her. He's bombing without her until he improvises the ad campaign. Tori runs in and admits she overslept. But if she had a computer date book, she would never oversleep again! A's for everyone!

Tori is really grateful, but Zack wants nothing to do with her. I don't blame him. Why would the most eligible bachelor at Bayside want a dykey biker chick? And it seems she has a crush on him now. She follows Zack to the Max, and basically insults him. Yeah, that will get you a date.

It's time for the Fall Ball, and Lisa does a great job decorating. Zack is there with Ginger, who happens to look a lot like Miss Veronica Vaughn (She is one piece of ace). Tori shows up actually dressed as a woman, and she relentlessly hits on Zack. Her flirting skills definitely need some work, but I guess she doesn't have time for that in shop class.

Lisa makes Zack feel like a total idiot because he won't give Tori a shot. He apologizes for some reason, and the two start all over brand new. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship!

Isn't It Romantic/Time Capsule

I'm combining two episodes together because they're both clip shows. That's where the producers are too lazy to make an original episode, so they just show old clips while the characters reminisce. Boring. Come on Peter Engel, you're better than this.

In the first episode, the gang is assembled at the Max and it's Valentine's Day. We are reminded of the once-great love between Zack and Kelly, and the efforts Morris went to to win her heart. They even show Kelly breaking his heart to go out with that bastard Jeff (No, I'm never going to get over it). There's also some time-killing material showing Slater and Jessie's past, and the boring icing on the cake is showing Screech's sad attempts to win Lisa's heart. Pathetic.

In the Next Episode, we're in Belding's office. It's 2003, and a gang of students has discovered a time capsule from the class of 1993. The '03 class looks pretty familiar. There's a Mexican guy, a blonde with a smart mouth, a dork, a feminist and the token black girl. The only thing we're missing is the popular cheerleader.

Anyways, Belding opens the time capsule, and wouldn't you know it? The class of 1993 did something different; they left a videotape!

There are plenty of Belding highlights before they waste our time again with video of Screech stalking Lisa. Man, this episode is Screech-heavy. Anways, here are some of the clip highlights:

-Jessie's caffeine addiction

-"Barbara Ann"

-Slater quitting cooking club to beat Nedick

We're left with some parting advice from the class of 1993.

Jessie: Take care of our planet, so that the kids in 2103 can enjoy it as much as we do. Peace and love.

Slater: Bayside was the first real home I ever had. Be good to it, or I'll come and get you.

Lisa: All of my fashion secrets are taped to the back of my old locker, number 144. In the meantime, keep on rocking Bayside.

Screech: Class of 2003, let me leave you with one wise thought. Be kind to geeks, dweebs and nerds. Ten years from now, they'll be the ones with all the money.

Kelly: No matter what happens, keep on smiling. And when life hands you a lemon, make some lemonade.

Zack: High school is the best time of your life. Love it, live it and enjoy it. If you have any time left, do some homework.

Graduation

The gang has completed their finals, and the realization that they'll never take another test at Bayside has sunk in. Zack's obviously excited, and Kelly is heartbroken. It's also time for the senior ballet recital, "Swan Pond."

Zack goes to Belding's office expecting a tearful goodbye. But there's only one problem. Zack's not graduating. It seems Zack is one credit short of graduating, and it's too late to make up the credit. It looks like summer school for our blonde hero. But he's determined to graduate on time, and he heads back to Belding's office to give the performance of a lifetime.

Zack seems ready for summer school, until Big Pete walks in with a pulled muscle. Unless Belding finds a replacement, the ballet is off. He asks Zack to fill in, and offers that one credit required for graduation. Everything worked out, right?

There are big problems. Jessie's not the valedictorian. It's Screech, and she will flip out if all of her hard work hasn't paid off. Screech is the first person in the history of the award to turn it down. Also, the nerds came down with the flu, and the ballet is off. That means Zack won't graduate.

Zack, being the blonde mastermind that he is, always has a plan. He gets Screech and Slater to fill in for the nerds. Swan Pond is on! Hilarity ensues, although this commentator thinks AC should have been the star of the show.

After the show, the gang is sitting in the stairwell, and the finality of it all finally sets in. Everyone is extremely sad, except for Zack. He can't wait to get out. And Lisa spills the beans that Screech is the real valedictorian.

It's graduation time, and Belding seems a little biased towards this class. That doesn't seem fair. Also, Jessie becomes the first student in the history of the award to turn down being valedictorian when she hands the award over to Screech. Make up your minds people. Then, for some reason, Zack gets to give a speech.

You know, it's funny. I thought the last day of high school would be the happiest day of my life. Until I realized what I'd be leaving, my friends. See, that's what Bayside means to me. Not just girlfriends, though I'll miss all 86 of you. No, I'm talking about those people who are always there when you need them. Like when your parents ground you for borrowing the car and not bringing it all home. Or a girl you'd die to go out with tells you to drop dead. Or better yet, when you're a credit short of graduating, and your friends stand up for you no matter how ridiculous you look. I'm lucky. I have the greatest friends.

Give me a second to wipe the tears from my eyes. Okay. Belding finally gets the awesome handshake right, and he and Zack share a tender hug. The gang tosses their caps in the air, and I feel lost. What am I going to do now that the gang has graduated? Until next time, America.

QUOTES!

Belding: If you can't trust your principal, who can you trust?

Screech's Spaghetti Sauce

Belding is teaching communications class, because apparently being a teacher is all about communication. There's a new girl named Robin, and she looks a lot like Punky Brewster. For their project, Zack proposes a morning talk show, called Wake-Up L.A. Brilliant. This gives him an excuse to wear an awesome 90's blazer. Lisa co-anchors. Jessie, of course, is the hard-hitting reporter, and Kelly is the hot weathergirl. Screech gets his own cooking show, and Slater is his assistant. Screech makes an awesome spaghetti sauce, and Zack immediately exploits it for a profit.

They steal beakers from the chemistry lab, and set up an assembly line. Things go comically wrong because of Screech, and then they film a horrible commercial. If I were Italian, I would be offended. There are several parallels though: Slater's character is named Mario, Jessie is his "Mama," and when Screech rings the doorbell, Slater says "Saved by the bell." Awesome stuff there.

The sauce is selling like hotcakes, and Robin and Screech are hot and heavy. He showers her with gifts, and she seems a little ungrateful. There's another problem. It seems Screech's secret family recipe is stolen from the Betsy Crocker cookbook. Uh oh.

The party's over, and now Screech knows about Robin's greed. And Belding's pissed too. He knows that the gang used school supplies to sell the sauce, and he wants his money. There aren't any profits left because Screech spent it all on Robin, but don't worry. Zack thinks of an elaborate plan on his feet. He's so clever.

Cut to the Max, and Screech is with Robin. He tells her that he wants to sell the recipe, and in walks Zack dressed as a German I guess. There's a bidding war for the recipe, and the greedy Robin buys it for a steep 2 grand. I can only assume she gets sued. But isn't it illegal for the gang to sell a recipe that they don't really own? I swear, there are at least a dozen times where Zack Morris should go to jail.

QUOTES!

Belding: Being a principal is all about communication.

Zack: I thought being a principal meant sleeping in your office all day.

Senior Prom

Everybody knows Senior Prom is the biggest night of high school. Zack has the tux, he's got the money, and now all he needs is "one hot honey." The only problem is, no one has money for prom tickets (It's probably because Jessie is selling them for 50 bucks a pop!).

Zack is looking for a babe to take to the prom, but for some reason he can't bring himself to ask any girls. Probably because he's smitten over Kelly again. Meanwhile, not surprisingly, Screech can't get a date either.

Morris finally asks Kelly but there's a problem. She already said yes to Matt Wilson. I don't really know Matt, but I bet he's a real asshole. It looks like it won't matter, because Jessie hasn't sold enough tickets. Belding calls off the prom. Bummer.

But don't worry. Zack has a brilliant idea. Why not just have the prom in the gym? It's already set up for "Oklahoma," and they can just have a square dance. So traditional. The next order of business is breaking up Matt and Kelly. He tells some lies, and Matt dumps Kelly. Lisa feels sorry for Screech and asks him out. Talk about a reversal of roles!

We've got a big problem. Jessie and Slater just got locked in the boiler room! And Kelly knows about Zack's plan. She dumps him! I figured she would just wait until during the prom to break up, just the time she dumped him for that asshole Jeff.

We're at the prom, and Jessie and Slater are still locked in the boiler room. They crank up the heat, but Belding just cranks up the air conditioning (I would have just said "AC," but you readers would have been confused). It's time for the big Bayside square dance, and miraculously everyone knows how to perfectly square dance. They must have studied it in gym class like I had to.

Zack admits that he still loves Kelly, and Kelly agrees that they belong together. Meanwhile, Jessie and Slater share a steamy boiler room kiss (See what I did there?). The traditional couples share their final dance at Bayside. How touching. However, I can almost guarantee these new romances won't last. In typical SBTB fashion, I bet they're forgotten by the next episode.

Teacher's Strike

It's Acadmic Bowl time, and for some reason Lisa is on the team. I don't get it; I doubt there are any fashion questions. Meanwhile, Slater and Zack plan on a skiing trip for winter break. There's also a potential teacher's strike looming, and Zack's obviously going to use this to his advantage.

Slater and Zack fake an interview to get some harsh quotes from Belding, and they play the doctored tape for Mr. Tuttle (who is leading the teacher's union). Tuttle gets super-pissed and confronts Belding, and the teachers strike. The plan is working out perfectly.

There's only one problem. Jessie is pissed because there will be no Academic Bowl during a teacher's strike. This is obviously a reason to stop the strike, right? Stupid. Zack and Slater make some concessions for Mr. Belding (including offering his office because there's no teachers' lounge and using his bonus to fund the Christmas party. Ridiculous). The strike is over, and the academic bowl is back on.

But things aren't fixed just yet. I guess Screech got sick on the skiing trip, and Bayside doesn't stand a chance without him!

Cut to the Max. Jessie serves the guys some milkshakes (Wait, what? Since when does Jessie work at the Max?), and they're looking for a replacement for Screech. The obvious answer? Well Zack Morris, of course! Screech tries to teach him everything he knows, including "MVEMJSUNP," the order of the planets. Also, Slater tutors the Valley team on sports (the wrong answers, of course!).

It's time for the big Academic Bowl. Valley dominates until the final round, where the points are tripled! The nerds know nothing about sports, and Zack dominates, sending it to overtime. The tiebreaking question, of course. is to name the planets in order. Thank god Screech taught Zack MVEMJSUNP! Bayside wins the Academic Bowl, and I assume Zack won some money. He bets on everything else.

QUOTES!

Mr. Tuttle: Winning isn't everything, but losing stinks!

Zack: You are talking to Zack Morris. Getting out of school is my middle name.

Student-Teacher Week

Friday is the big football city championship game against Valley. It also happens to be student-teacher week at Bayside. Based on written essays, students get to be teachers for an entire week. Why didn't they do this when I was in school? Anyways, Kelly gets to teach social studies, which is perfect because she's always wanted to be a teacher. Lisa and Screech teach gym, and Zack gets to be principal for a week after this stirring essay:

Why be a teacher when you could be a principal? It's the easiest job around. You don't do anything, ask Belding. The end.

His first act of business? Enlarging the peepholes in the girls locker room. Awesome. Screech walks around in a pink tank top. It's no wonder how Dustin Diamond got all the ladies. Slater tries to take advantage of "Miss Kapowski," but she's really hard on the football teachers. Jocks never get any breaks.

Meanwhile, Zack redecorates Belding's office, complete with the Michael Jordan basketball hoop and LL Cool J poster. Slater complains that Kelly would have the audacity to assign homework before the big game. Zack adopts an awesome "no test" policy, but Kelly refuses once she learns she was taken advantage of. Everyone boycotts the test, because it's obviously not fair.

Kelly complains to principal Zack, but he sides with the football team. He has a lot of money on the game! But he starts to feel guilty, and suspends all of the players who skipped the test (including Slater). The entire school gets pissed (understandably), until Slate realizes that he has been a real dick.

Zack concocts a clever idea. The players take Kelly's test during the game, and they all pass. Now it's time to beat Valley's ass. Congratulations to our city champions, the Bayside Tigers!

QUOTES!

Slater: Our tackling dummy is broken so all cute blondes are welcome to come in and fill out.

Screech: I'm Muscle Screech from Muscle Beach, but starting tomorrow you can call me teach.

Wrestling with the Future

We're live at the Max, and Zack is there with KKTY Bayside to cover Slater becomming all-city champion. Next up, the State Championship. It's also college acceptance time, and Jessie is flipping out. She hasn't heard back from any of her schools. What a dumbass!

The wrestling coach from Iowa shows up, and he offers Slater a full wrestling scholarship. He can't wait to tell his father! But Major Slater has other ideas. He wants his son to attend West Point. Robert E. Lee. Norman Schwarzkopf. AC Slater. It has a great ring to it. The only problem is Slater doesn't want to be a military man. He wants to wrestle damnit!

Zack has another brilliant plan. He poses as Slater for the meeting with a congressman, and bombs it. He plays the part of the overly-excited military guy, who's only dream is to go to war. I knew some of these guys. Messed up. Anyways, Slater's excited because he can go to Iowa.

Jessie is pissed because she keeps getting denied by all the top schools. Don't worry, there's always Stansbury. Meanwhile, Belding figures out that Slater bombed it on purpose, and he knows it was Zack. They set up an elaborate plan, and Zack and Slater are "arrested" by military police. After they learn their lesson, Belding convinces Slater that he has to talk to his dad.

He comes clean to his father, and the Major is pissed. The state championship is tomorrow, and he's not going. Bummer.

The gang is talking about college, and Jessie finally gets accepted to Columbia. We learn that Zack plans on attending Yale in the fall. Damn SAT's. Slater is still bummed when his dad shows up before the championship match. The major just wants his son to be happy, and I assume that Slater wins the state championship. Eat that, Mike Dailey.

QUOTES!

Belding: Sometimes, the truth hurts. But in the long run, lies hurt more.

Major Slater: My CO went AWOL with a GI from the PX. I gotta go ASAP. See you A.C.

Bayside Triangle

Zack has a revelation about high school. After graduation, you never have to come back. Genius. Anyways, Screech is still after Lisa, and Zack encourages him. Lisa has an interview with the Fashion Institute, and Zack has the idea to have a fashion show to impress them.

That Zack Morris is really impressive. He convinces the manager of the Max to have the big fashion show there, but there's a catch. Screech wants to emcee the event, and Lisa grudgingly agrees. Zack shows off an awesome 90's suit that Lisa handmade. She must be really impressed with him, because they share a controversial interracial kiss! (For the record, Zack has now kissed Kelly, Jessie and Lisa. Bravo Preppy).

It's fashion show time, and Lisa is flipping out. Zack calms her down with another kiss, and Screech sees the whole thing. (I know Lisa is kind of hot Zack, but how could you do this to your best friend? Seriously. Dick move).

Screech does his best job to sabotage the show with a bunch of anti-Lisa and Zack one-liners. He accuses Zack of ruining his life and storms off. Hell hath no fury like a broken-hearted Geek.

Good news! Although the fashion show was a wreck, Lisa's clothes speak for themselves. She gets accepted to FIT, but Screech is still broken-hearted. Zack tries to talk to him, but Screech is having none of it. And he wants to fight!

Zack refuses to fight, but Screech insists. He knocks his books out of his hands, stomps on his foot, and rips his shirt. Zack acts like a real pussy and concedes. He agrees not to date Lisa, but she's pissed. She pretty much tells him off, and all of a sudden Screech pulls a 180. He encourages the two to date, and we're led to believe they become a couple. Except we never hear about the two as an item again.

QUOTES!

Screech: Thank you Zack, for destroying my life.

Screech: Morris! You've got an appointment with fate, and fate's got curly hair!

Zack: Come on Screech. This is ridiculous. Can't we work this out another way?

Screech: In other words you're chickening out. I guess that yellow streak extends from your hair all the way down your back.

Fight

(Editor's note: I know the last couple episodes have really sucked. But boy, does this one make up for it!)

It's the first day of school, and Zack is actually psyched! Why? Because he's finally a senior, and there are all kinds of awesome perks apparently. Belding shows up with a new look, and I think he looks younger and hipper (It might be the hairpiece).

It's also time for the Senior Kickoff party, and everyone is concerned about getting a date. Lisa meets a nice young black fellow (her parents would be proud) and asks him to the party.

There's a new girl in school, and she's from Idaho. That must mean she's really naive and dumb. Zack sees her first and macks. Slater meets her in class and macks. I smell trouble.

Cut to the Max. Kelly finds out that Lisa's new man is a freshman! That's social suicide. Meanwhile, Zack and Slater realize they're after the same girl, and they rush to ask her out. Zack pulls the ole "pull the chair out from under them when they go to sit down," and Slater looks like a real idiot. Bravo Preppy.

Zack sets up a study date with Joanna, while Slater sets up a movie date. Slater shows up to Zack's house and totally wrecks his date. What a dick. To pay him back, Zack pays off a girl to pretend to be Slater's mom so she'll wreck his movie date. I haven't seen tactics this dirty since they were both fighting over Kelly Kapowski.

We're back in school, and Slater confronts Zack. What follows could be the most awesome exchange in the history of SBTB:

Slater: Hey Zack, last night at the movies you went too far.
Zack: I just helped a mother get together with her son. What's so wrong about that?

Slater: Wrecking my date with Joanna wasn't funny

Zack: Oh, like it was funny wrecking my study date the night before?

Slater: Hey you started it man, making me look like a jerk at the Max.

Zack: That's what you are.

Slater: What did you say?

Zack: You heard me. Get out of my face.

Slater: And what if I don't, punk?

Zack: Then I'll just have to make you, punk.

Zack shoves Slater, he shoves back, Zack punches Slater in the face, and Slater tackles him to the ground. Slater throws in a punch to the face before Belding breaks it up.

We're in Belding's office, and he can't believe that good friends like Zack and Slater are fighting. Belding makes them shake hands, and they feign a truce to get him off their backs. Something tells me this isn't over.

We're at the Senior Kickoff party, and I smell trouble as Zack and Slater both show up. They both head to the punch bowl, and Zack pours punch down Slater's shirt. Slater pours punch down Zack's pants. Round 2!!! Belding steps in, and his toupee falls into the punch. This is enough for the two to apologize and become BFF again.

QUOTES!

Slater: Hey you started it man, making me look like a jerk at the Max.

Zack: That's what you are.

All In the Mall

U2 is in town, and they're selling tickets at the mall. And boy, you should see this line. But as always, Zack has a plan. Screech has been sleeping at the mall since last night, and has the first spot in line (We used to do this for Opening Day, although I doubt Screech was getting drunk). He's offered seats in either the mezzanine or orchestra, and can't decide, so he runs off to ask Zack. That dimwit! He lost his place in line.

While the gang is waiting for Screech, Lisa finds a mysterious black bag with $5,000 in it. Zack has the great idea to buy as many U2 tickets as possible, and then scalp them for all they're worth. I wish I didn't have a conscious either. By the time they get to the window, the tickets are sold out. Bummer. Now what Preppy?!

Apparently they've announced another U2 concert. How convenient. And tickets go on sale at 9am tomorrow, so the gang plans on camping out in the mall. While Zack is handing out ridiculously large wads of cash, two creepy dudes spy on them. I wonder what they want. These dudes follow the gang everywhere. My guess? Killers out for revenge because they stole their 5 grand.

After camping out in the sporting goods store, they try to buy 50 tickets to the concert. But there's only one problem. Lisa can't find the money! They head to the shoe store and find the shoebox with the money, and those goons are still chasing them.

It seems this whole thing was for a tv show. The gang was on "Candid Video" the entire time! And the gang gets 5 front row tickets for the u2 concert! So I guess it was all worth it. Man this episode sucked.

Rockumentary

The theme of off-beat episodes continues. Today, the gang's band, "Zack Attack" is the most popular group in the world. Awesome.

The "Friends Forever" tour is kicking off, and Casey Kasem is making his 2nd SBTB appearance ("Dancing to the Max"). It seems that Zack Attack, the awesome band featuring the entire gang (minus Jessie), has reached the top of the charts and they're at the top of the world. Casey Kasem profiles their courageous journey from Zack's garage to playing sold out shows all over the world.

The gang is practicing in the garage when fate walks by. Literally. A guy named Brian Fate is a record producer, and he thinks Zack Attack could be the next big group. We see just how easy it is to go from garage band to worldwide superstars. The band's first single, "Did We Ever Have a Chance," goes galactic, and things are going great. That is until some broad named Mindy shows up. It seems things are too good to be true, and in Yoko Ono style, she breaks up the band. There are multiple rumors flying all over the tabloids, and I'll give you one guess who the mole is. Yep, Screech blows it again. Zack quits the band, thus breaking up the entire group. Here's a breakdown of their new careers:

Zack: International star, although it's all about production and not the music

Slater: Motorcycle racer

Kelly: Actress

Lisa: American Gladiator, "Lethal Lisa"

Screech: Enlightened geek, dates a cheerleader

Jessie: Showgirl in Las Vegas (I assume)

After Slater has a terrible motorcycle accident, the gang assembles in his hospital room. Screech convinces everyone to become friends again, and the band is back together. The "Friends Forever" reunion tour is underway, and everyone is happy and famous again. Except Jessie.

We cut to Zack's garage, and the band is practicing for their first real paying gig. A bar mitzvah. Apparently the whole fame and fortune thing was just a hazy pink dream sequence. How unfortunate.

QUOTES!

Mindy: I think Zack is still waiting for the right girl to come along.

Slater: Me too. But in the meantime, I'm having a blast with the wrong ones!

Lisa: If you don't get rid of Linda, I'm gonna throw her out the winda!

Mystery Weekend

This might be the weirdest SBTB episode of them all. I'll try my best.

The gang is assembled at Northwood Manor, because apparently Lisa won a mystery weekend trip from a radio contest. Everyone gets to play detective as the mystery unfolds. How fun! The first person to solve the mystery wins a cool $500. There's Mr. Jamison, our fearless leader, the butler, the piano player, and the obligatory slutty French maid.

The piano player is the first victim, and our game of whodunit is officially underway. Cause of death: poisoned drink. Zack thinks he knows who the killer is, and he thinks the butler killed him. It makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, the butler is literally stabbed in the back, and we have our second victim.

Meanwhile, someone stole a diamond necklace, and that's not part of the script! Jamison calls off the game, and the gang packs up and gets ready to head out. Lisa is freaking out because she thinks a real killer is on the loose. Things are getting exciting!

Zack goes to Jamison's office to pick up some vouchers for a free weekend, but it seems Jamison and Lisa have disappeared. The other guests walk in, and Zack is holding the prize money! Could he be our killer? The detective is there to talk to Zack, and his friends do a great job of painting him as a villain. So what if he kind of stole Belding's car? Or sold fake ID's at school? Or stole Valley's mascot?

The house goes on lockdown, and Zack, Screech and Slater find a secret passageway from their room to Jamison's office. Zack puts two and two together, and assembles the group. It seems he was the only one who knew that the game never actually stopped. He solves the mystery, and informs us that Jamison is the killer! Bravo Mr. Morris.

No Hope With Dope

As an esteemed blog writer (It's my blog, I'll say what I want), I feel it's my responsibility to inform the public and make this world a better place. I hope that we all learn a lesson after this episode.

Welcome to the mid-semester blues; there's no vacation in sight. Bummer. But things are about to get better for our beloved heroes. It seems Hollywood hunk Johnny Dakota has stopped in at Bayside, and he's looking to shoot an anti-drug PSA at a local high school. After an awesome choreographed rap that tells us how bad drugs are, Johnny decides that Bayside is the perfect school.

Everything is perfect at crystal-clean Bayside, until Zack and Slater find a joint in the bathroom. It seems Scud might have something to do with it (Also, he looks just like Ox). Shit! If Johnny finds out, he won't shoot the commercial at Bayside. While Zack is holding the joint, Johnny walks in. It looks like they've got some 'splaining to do. Johnny believes that they just found it, and everything is cool.

Johnny hosts a roundtable discussion about drug use. Slater makes an awesome Len Bias reference, and then Jessie has the audacity to mention her caffeine pill addiction. (Seriously Jessie? Len Bias was one of the most promising basketball players ever, only to have his career cut short because of coke overdose. You were addicted to fucking caffeine pills. I need four cups of coffee a day or I get a headache. Get over yourself).

Johnny invites the gang to his pad for a cool Hollywood party. Johnny starts hitting on Kelly hardcore. I guess movie stars hit on high school girls all the time. Slater can't seem to get a girl, and Screech claims to be Johnny's stunt double. He hurts himself recreating one of Johnny's famous scenes, and most of the gang decides to split. Kelly and Zack decide to hang with Johnny, and after they share a kiss, he offers Kelly a joint. It seems out Hollywood hunk is a hypocrite. I can't believe movie stars would do drugs. Ridiculous.

Johnny has the audacity to still attempt to shoot the anti-drug PSA, but Zack, being of such high moral fiber, tells Johnny off. The gang walks off the set, causing Johnny to get pissed and call off the shoot. I guess NBC won't be shooting a commercial at Bayside afterall. But wait! It seems Belding knows Brandon Tartikoff, the head of NBC. Apparently they were friends growing up, and both had their eyes on a young Becky Flugelman. Belding got the girl, and since she was the superintendent's daughter he got to be principal. I'm pretty sure that's how it works today too. Anyways, the gang records an awesome PSA after all, and we are all better people because of it.

QUOTES!

Johnny: Can you tell me how to get to the principal's office?

Zack: Oh sure, easy! Just moon a teacher

WHAT DID WE LEARN TODAY? Don't do drugs. There's no hope with dope. Duh!

Pipe Dreams

Everyone's taking biology together, and this semester they're studying the ecology of a pond. There are lots of different animals in the class from the pond behind the school. Zack walks in with an injured duck. It seems Preppy nailed it with a home run shot. Bravo. Hippie Jessie is pisseed (big shock there). Belding apparently knows this duck, and her name is Becky (I'm assuming he named her after his wife).

Exciting news! There are new field goal posts going in the football field. But you'll never guess what happens! Oil is squirting out everywhere from the football field, and that leads to a...

Hazy pink dream sequence! The kids are the richest students in Bayside, and they're spoiled rotten. Zack rings a bell, and Belding the Butler runs in. He dismisses the teacher because she had the audacity to teach! It seems that money and schools don't mix (especially according to Governor Daniels. Hey-o!).

It seems Bayside struck oil, and now they really are rich. It's convocation time, and the president of Calstar Oil is here to talk about a better Bayside. Everyone is extremely excited, except for Jessie. It seems the hippie wants to stop the drilling. Everyone tries to convince her how great oil is. It does so much for us!

Anyways, things are looking up, until there's a huge oil spill at Bayside. The guys rush out to the scene of the crime, and the place is a disaster. The worst part? Becky is dead. Those bastards! And what's the best way to get back at that jerk oil company? Stop the drilling of course. Who cares about all that precious oil money. Who cares about a more beautiful, better Bayside? Zack sure doesn't. He presents a stirring argument on why oil companies are bastards, and convinces everyone that an old, poor Bayside is better than a new, beautiful Bayside. I blame $3 gas on those selfish kids at Bayside.

QUOTES!

Zack: We want a bigger gym, and a cheerleader in every locker!

Check Your Mate

We're at the St. Murray's vs. Bayside chess match. And for some reason, KKTY is covering it. Chess on the radio. Seriously. Anyways, it comes down to the final match, and Screech is the anchor. Oh, and there are cheerleaders too. This is getting ridiculous. So, Screech puts on his lucky beret, and he's apparently invincible with it. Screech dominates, and Bayside is off to the finals next week against the hated Valley Bulldogs.

The Masters cousins, Vinnie and Guyguy, show up at the Max, and they want to wager on the big chess match. They bet $100, and Valley has a new transfer! It's a Russian transfer student, and he knows his chess. Screech is in trouble. After a quick pep talk, Screech talks some mad shit and triples the bet with Valley.

A reporter with "Chess Boy" magazine wants to interview Screech. He agrees, but she's secretly a Valley girl. Something bad is going to happen. During the interview, Screech tells her that it's impossible for him to win without his lucky beret.

Zack and Slater find a ransom note from Valley. They stole his lucky beret! There's no way Screech can beat the Russian now!

The guys try to fool Screech with a fake beret. He's convinced, and he can't wait to tell Violet about his change of fortune. But there's only one problem. She knows that the beret is a knock-off, and Screech is once again shattered, and there's no way they'll win the bet, right?

Wrong. You should know better. Zack Morris always has a backup plan. He and Slater kidnap the Russian, and lock him in a broom closet. Zack steals his clothes, and looks pretty convincing as a Russian chess master. He forfeits to Screech, but the commie hops out in his underwear. Belding makes them call off the bet, but Screech still isn't confident because he doesn't have his lucky beret. Violet shows up, and Screech beats the Russian. He's now up there with the 1980 Olympic hockey team and Rocky!

QUOTES!

Slater: There are some mysteries you just can't explain. Like, why does Sinead O'Connor have a hair dryer?

Cut Day

We're in the middle of a student council meeting. The nerds want a day of mourning for the 25th anniversary of the cancelling of "Gilligan's Island." I'm with them. Also, some hippie named Graham proposes that the students need to do something about all the plastic foam cups used in the school. But there's a bigger problem. Tomorrow is the annual Senior Cut Day, and Belding knows. And anyone caught skipping will get an unexcused absence, and ten absences means suspension. And guess who happens to already have nine absences? Zack needs a plan, but don't worry. The King of Cut Day will find a way out. He's so confident that he bets Slater $100 he can skip.

Zack pays off a nerd to lie about a ridiculously high overdue book fine. We're at the Max and Slater is hitting on Kelly big time. Zack shows up looking for his money, but Slater specifies that he has to skip out on every class of the day.

Belding's car is being towed because he parked it in a red zone. Guess who painted the curb? We're at the movies now, and Slater is bashing Jessie. If she's no fun, why is he dating her? Anyways, Zack pops in to say hello, and Slater and Kelly were getting pretty close. Trouble in paradise?

Belding thinks he finally caught Zack skipping, but he joins in on the hippie protest with Jessie and Graham. Genius. Jessie's upset because she's trying to save the world, and no one cares. But Grant feels the exact same way, and they share an embrace. What a cut day. Some people are ditching classes, and some people are ditching each other!

Time for a beach party. Slater's showing off some of his moves, and Kelly's showing off a lot more. Slater gives her a sunscreen rub down. Zack shows up dressed in a custodian jumpsuit and says the janitor is rocking a blonde wig in class. Brilliant.

Mrs. Culpepper gets a telegram, and she's won $2 million bucks in the lottery! Zack gets a call on his phone, and we learn Slater was behind the whole thing. Belding's staying in the class to make sure Zack doesn't cut out. There's no way Zack can win the bet now, right? Luckily, Belding skipped lunch and Zack just happens to have some chocolate covered grasshoppers from Screech. Belding runs off to the bathroom.

It's 3:30, and Zack comes in late. Looks like he owes Slater 100 smackers! But we have bigger issues people. Jessie shows up to the Max with Graham! Slater's not mad because he had such a great time with Kelly. Jessie and Slater decide to see other people, and everyone's happy. And, you guessed it people, we never see Graham again. It's a disturbing trend.

QUOTES!

Jessie: We were discussing the obvious benefits of a woman president. It's long overdue.

Zack: Yep, just like a woman. Always late.

Operation Zack

The basketball rally starts in a few minutes, but Zack is more concerned about an algebra take home test. That doesn't sound like the Preppy I know. Anyways, it's time for the game, and Belding wants to give some inspirational words:

Men, basketball is a metaphor for life. The basket, our goal. The ball, our hopes and dreams. The backboard is a chance to rebound those missed opportunities.

That still fires me up. Anyways, in the rush to get out to the court, Belding runs into Zack and twists his knee. After a thorough examination from Dr. Turtle, it's determined that Zack tore some cartilage in his knee and has to stay over night for examination. Belding feels awful, and he should because it's his fault. Zack gets him to finish his take home test for him. And to take his French test tomorrow. What a principal.

Zack needs surgery to fix his torn cartilage. And he's worried about it. We'd all be worried about minor knee surgery, right? There's also the old, "Let's turn on the tv with the remote! Oh wait! That controls the bed!" and hilarity ensues.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Zack's guardian angel Skippy is here, and he looks just like Screech. Apparently everyone looks like Screech in heaven. Scary. He's here to take Zack to heaven, but he insists on seeing his friends one last time. At Bayside, Zack's locker has been encased, and there's a ceremony in his honor. The basketball team retires his number, and Screech throws a fit. Man, Zack Morris is really loved.

Anyways, Zack refuses to have surgery and plans to sneak out of the hospital. His plan works brilliantly, until he runs into Dr. Turtle. Lisa tries to make Zack feel better, and then throws up a little prayer for her friend. The surgery is a success, and for some reason Zack gets a cast for some torn cartilage. What kind of hospital is this?

QUOTES!

Slater: I had the ball with three seconds, then Belding starts yelling "Shoot your hopes and dreams!" By the time I realized he meant the ball, the game was over.

Zack: Rest? How I can I rest? They're gonna hack Zack!

Love Machine

Science projects are due in Mr. Tuttle's class this week, and Zack's working with Jessie on a micro-listening project. And they're the perfect team: She works hard, and he hardly works! Screech and Kelly are teamed together, and their project is a love machine. Apparently if any two people have feelings for each other, their machine will show it.

Also, Belding introduces a new student, and Slater's acting weird. Oh shit, Jennifer just happens to be his girlfriend from Germany. It seems that Slater's family moved, and he never broke things off with her. Quite the pickle. We finally learn what the "A.C" in A.C. Slater stands for. Are you ready for this? ALBERT freakin' CLIFFORD. Awesome.

Cut to the Max. Jennifer informs us that when his family moved, she and Slater made "one of those pacts" that they would never date anyone different again. Do those even exist? Anyways, Screech lets it fly that Jessie and Slater are an item. Uh oh.

Screech is testing the micro-listening device for Zack and Jessie. Slater needs that pen to get Jennifer's number, and Jessie finds out that she's Slater's old girlfriend. And she's out for blood. Slater needs someone to take Jennifer's mind off of him, and we all know the perfect candidate.

Jessie gets Slater in a headlock and spray paints "nWo 4 life" on his locker. Not really. But she does spray paint "Death to Slater." Meanwhile, Screech lets it slip that Zack's taking Jennifer on a pretend date. She gets pissed, and manages to create a plan on the spot. Impressive. But later gets jealous.

We're back in Tuttle's class, and Zack and Jennifer test out the love machine. They're "very compatible," and Slater goes ape. He yells at Zack for "stealing his girlfriend" and Jessie storms off in a rage.

After a good talk with Kelly, Jessie convinces Slater to go on a date with Jennifer to see if there's still a spark there. Jessie and Zack dress up as an old couple to spy on them at the movies. But there's a problem. Slater is a Mel Gibson guy, and Jen's into Kevin Costner. Slater realizes Jessie is the only one for him, and Jennifer hits on Zack. They'd make a cute couple, but in typical SBTB fashion, we never see or hear from her again.

QUOTES!

Zack: And we're the perfect team. She works hard, and I hardly work!

Screech: Contrary to popular belief, peanut butter and jelly have no visible feelings for each other.

SATs

It's Saturday morning, and they're in school. How depressing. They're there for their SAT's, but Zack would rather be at the beach working on his T-A-N. Belding puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on the kids. Nice work Richie.

Cut to the Max. It's several weeks later, and the results of the tests are back. Time to find out the scores:

Screech: 1220

Kelly: 1100

Lisa: 1140

Slater: 1050

Zack: 1502

Jessie: 1205

It seems word of Zack's outstanding SAT score has spread around school. And Heather, a girl we've never seen before, wants Zack to help her study (She just happens to look a lot like Melody from "Hey Dude"). Also, college representatives are at Bayside for the next couple days. The academic juggernaut Stansbury is there, and they seem to think he's perfect Stansbury material. It's always been Jessie's dream to attend there, but her SAT score obviously isn't high enough.

Mr.s Billingham (the Stansbury rep) shows up at the Max and offers Slater a full football scholarship. I didn't realize academic recruiters did that. I wonder if the head ball coach knows that she's out there offering scholarships.

Belding wants to upgrade Zack's class load because he obviously hasn't been challenged enough. It's time for Zack's hot study date with Heather, but she bring her boyfriend. What a cockblock. School is ruining Zack's life!

He hires James (the actor/waiter from the Max) to pretend to be a Harvard representative at the college fair. And he's only there to see Miss Jessica Spano. She's the "find of the century." Suddenly Stansbury has an interest in Jessie. She's their number one choice! But Jessie's wise to the plan, and wants nothing to do with it. Jessie turns them down, and for some reason, Slater says no thanks to his full football scholarship. Solid investment in your future guys.

James plays a representative from the SAT board and has a meeting with Belding. He doesn't recognize him (I guess he doesn't remember meeting James as Derek Morris). Anyways, James claims they're working Zack too hard, and Belding goes for it. No more class work for Zack! And we're left to wonder where they decide to go to college.

QUOTES!

Slater: Boy, it's a good thing I didn't tell her they offered me a car!

(It's probably a good thing you don't tell anyone that Slater. That's a violation of NCAA rules).

Hold Me Tight

It's time for wrestling tryouts, and for some reason the radio station is covering them. There's a new girl in town, and she wants to try out for the team. Girls can't wrestle! Duh. And Coach Sonski agrees. But apparently that's not fair. Ugh.

KKTY takes up the cause and heads to the airwaves. During her segment of "Spano Speaks," Jessie says some pretty slanderous things. Sonski and Belding earn the prestigious "Double Swine" award. Clever. This leads to a bunch of girls picketing wrestling practice. It's absolute pandemonium in the gym. Belding caves, and Christy is allowed to wrestle. Ugh.

Christy wants Slater to "show her some of his best moves." Oooooohh! Zack heads into the girls' locker room for an exclusive interview. Lisa is spreading gossip again, and she eavesdrops on the new couple. Also, Belding barges into the locker room looking for Morris, and he may or may not sexually harass a member of the swim team.

Lisa goes on air and talks about a hot new couple, and Jessie assumes it's Slater and Christy. They're in the gym practicing, and she comments how strong Slater is. And Jessie just happens to see the whole thing.

Cut to the Max. Some wrestler from Valley (No, it's not Nedick) shows up and assaults Zack. Good thing his girlfriend was there to rescue him. How humiliating. Even the nerds seem to think so.

Jessie is back on the air and she's completely flipped her position on girls on the wrestling mat. Slater's pissed. And Christy can't believe it. And Zack feels emasculated. He ends things with she-man Christy. It seems Zack can't handle dating a girl wrestler, and she quits the team. Don't worry though; Zack and Jessie quickly see the error of their ways, and Christy is back on the team.

It's time for the big meet against Valley. Slater squashes his opponent (again, not Nedick), and it all comes down to Christy's match. And it just happens to be against the dude who assaulted Zack at the Max. She's in trouble, until Zack advises her to "use the hold you used at the Max!" She quickly reverses things and pins him. Bayside wins! And we never see Christy Barnes again.

Also, today we find out that the pizza delivery guy in "Home Alone" played a nerd in Saved by the Bell. Awesome.

QUOTES!

Coach Sonski: This is a gym, not a Jane.

Coach Sonski: You wanna wrestle with the girls? Date 'em!

Coach Sonski: You worked on the full nelson and the half nelson. Why don't you show her the Willie Nelson? That's a "country and wrestling" joke!

Date Auction

Every student council meeting has one thing in common...screaming teenagers. And this one is no different. It seems the cheerleading squad is in desperate need of new uniforms, but there simply isn't any money. Maybe next year girls. But Kelly has the brilliant idea for a date auction, and everyone's in favor except for Jessie.

Lisa has a new crush (presumably on a guy we'll never see again), and it's Brian, the black leader of the student council. There's a problem though. He's a real intellectual snob, and Lisa is more into fashion than great works of literature.

Slater and Zack debate who's going to bring more in at the date auction. (What do the readers think? Zack's a bigger catch, but Slater would probably appreciate you more). Jessie threatens every girl in school. If they bid on HER Slater, they're dead. Who cares if it's for a good cause.

It's date auction time, and Brian is up. Coincidentally, there are only two black girls bidding on him. Weird. Lisa buys him for 30 bucks, and he's less than thrilled. Next up is Slater, and no one is bidding on him. How humiliating. Kelly feels sorry for him and bids ten bucks for his services. Jessie tries to prove a point and blindly bids 25 bucks on Screech. At least their babies would be really smart.

It's time for the main event. Mr. Zack Morris. And there's a battle for the privilege of a date with the blond Tom Cruise. The fat girl Wendy bids 100 bucks on him. Bummer. Zack is obviously pissed, and he fakes an old back injury. Brilliant.

.

Lisa pretends to be smart, and Brian is digging her. Good for them. Fat Wendy knows that Zack's faking his injury and she calls off their date. This makes Zack look like a dick, and this makes the author unhappy. She had no business bidding on him anyways...he's way out of her league.

It's dance time, and Zack is left to sit in the bleachers with the other dateless nerds. Fat Wendy shows up, and Zack apologizes. He feels guilty for lying, and apparently that's not good enough for her. Brian insults all of Lisa's friends, and that's enough for her. She tells him off. "Au revoir, creep!" Kelly shows off the provocative new cheerleading uniforms, and let's just say they don't leave much to the imagination. Zack finally gets fat Wendy to dance with him. Let's just hope he didn't have to put out.

QUOTES!

Slater: It's not good to be afraid of your girlfriend.