Dancing to the Max

Editor's note: We're finally finished with the Tori episodes. Thank god. Now we're back to season 1, with a few episodes I missed at the beginning.

We're at the Max, and Max announces that he has an important telegram. It seems that "Dance Party" is going to host a dance competition at the Max, and it's hosted by the one and only Casey Kasem. Being the dancer that he is, Slater is instantly excited. He asks Kelly to be his partner and then puts on a dancing exhibition. Kelly decides there will be a Dancing Duel between Zack and Slater, with the winner getting Kelly's hand.

There's a cool scene where the gang is in band, and when the teacher's away, they really rock out. I bet they have a future in rock n roll.

Zack confides in Jessie that he can't dance. He needs some help, and apparently she's going to train him. Casey Kasem shows up in Belding's office, and I believe this is the first time we get a reference to "The Big Bopper" Richie Belding. He has a pretty mean twist.

Zack's dance moves are coming along pretty quick, thanks to his dance instructor Jessie. I bet she shows those moves off on a stage someday.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Jessie is growing taller and taller every second, and she's too big to be a dance partner. She's afraid that she's too tall and awkward to enter the dance competition.

Lisa sprained her ankle, so it looks like she's out of the dance competition. Bummer. Zack decides that he wants Jessie to be his dance party. So the stage is set for the epic showdown. Zack and Jessie vs. Slater and Kelly.

Slater and Kelly, as "The Spandex Twins," have a pretty awesome dance. I think AC learned all those moves on Kids, Incorporated. "The Powerhouse Preppies" are next, and they have an equally good routine. However, the third couple takes the cake. Screech and Lisa have invented a new dance called "The Sprain," and the applause-o-meter goes off the charts. The crowd loves it!

QUOTES!

Casey Kasem: Well that's a good night from us here at Dance Party everybody. Until next time, this is Casey Kasem saying "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars." Come on everybody. Let's do the...the...The Sprain!

Day of Detention

Great news! Rappin' Ken Kelly is broadcasting from the Max all afternoon, and he's giving away a trip to Hawaii. Zack is on his phone in class, and Belding gets super pissed. No more cell phone calls in school for Zack. Lisa hears that they're taking the tenth caller at 2pm to win that trip to Hawaii.

Zack rigs the phones at the Max with Screech's help. He's the tenth caller, and all he needs to do is show up to the Max at 4. But Belding catches him, takes away his phone, and gives him detention. Zack enlists Slater's help, but he's a horrible actor. Belding's wise to the plan, and throws Slater in detention too. Tori and Lisa get roped in, and now everyone's in detention.

Zack gives it one last-ditch effort, and it's a familiar plan. He grosses out Belding. Meanwhile, Screech pretends to be Zack and shows up at the Max (Much like myself, these writers are just mailing it in now). However, Screech screws up, and he's in detention now too. Belding has been working on a bonsai tree, and apparently Screech is an expert. He distracts Belding while Zack sneaks out. He blows through the first two questions, and then Belding knows he skipped.

Zack doesn't answer the third question correctly, and to add insult to injury, Belding shows up to bust him at the Max. Even worse? Belding answers the third question (answer: bonsai), and he wins the trip to Hawaii.

School Song

We're getting close to graduation, and Lisa is trying to come up with a class gift. Last year's class bought a VCR. Now that's class. Cut to choir practice, and they butcher the school song. (Side note: What happened to the Glee Club? I guess they need Mr. Tuttle back in charge). The problem's that it's too old fashioned, so Lisa proposes they create a new school song as their class gift.

Everyone rips on Zack, basically calling him a con-artist and a liar. He's concerned, because no one wants to be remembered as the school's biggest goof off, so he needs to clear his name. His plan? Create the awesomest school song in the history of school songs. All by himself. You see, the gang was going to work together, but Zack sabotages their plans. Everyone gets pissed at each other, and now it seems that it's a contest to create the best school song.

Zack has a super awesome, rocking, guitar-driven school song, and everyone loves it. But somehow Screech gets the same amount of votes. Zack needs to persuade the nerd vote if he wants to win. He seduces poor Louise, and the gang knows what he's up to. They decide to pull a Zack Morris and sabotage his song performance. Their secret? Super-sour lemonade. Brilliant. Zack chokes it at the performance.

The gang has improved Screech's song, and it's awesome.

It seems like only yesterday we started.

But soon we'll put away our books and pens.

We'll go on with our live once we have parted,

But how can we say farewell to our friends?

The double dates, the parties and the dances,

Cramming for a midterm until 3,

The football games, the Max and the romances,

Soon Bayside will be just a memory.

Our four years here have all become unraveled,

And so our high school story finally ends.

But years from now, no matter where we've traveled,

We'll all look back and thank about our friends.

That's a piece of beauty folks.

Class Rings

It's time to buy the senior class rings, and Zack decides to take care of it. I love the guy, but I don't think I'd trust my money with Zack Morris. Lisa complains about how annoying Screech is, and Tori doesn't think he's that bad. Tori agrees to go on a date with Screech, and if she can survive, Lisa has to have sex with him. Or something like that.

Cut to the Max. Zack has a meeting with Gem Diamond, his ring guy. Zack haggles Gem down, and he gets a great price on the class rings. The rings come in overnight, and they look great. This Gem Diamond character must be legit.

Too bad the rings leave a green stain. They're clearly not real gold, and Zack clearly got ripped off. Tori seduces Screech while Zack devises a plan. They get Gem to show up at the Max, and Zack gives him a song and dance about how he's impressed how Gem ripped him off. Zack proposes that they become partners, and Slater will be the muscle. Screech shows up all pissed off, and Slater lets him beat him up. Gem pisses his pants, and agrees to give everyone free, genuine gold rings. Screech is a hero!

QUOTES!

Gem: What's the A.C. stand for?

Slater: Abnormally Cruel.

The Will

Zack and Tori are now the hottest couple at Bayside. You've come a long way since Kelly Kapowski, Preppy. Screech is a member of the miniature golf team now. I had no idea there are high school miniature golf teams. Anyways, the school is in the middle of a big time budget crunch. Things are looking grim until Mr. Belding announces that the inventor of elastic waistbands for underwear, a Bayside alumnus, has left the school ten grand in his will.

There's a big convocation to decide what the school will do with the money. Zack and Slater suggest spending it on the sports program. But that doesn't include womens athletics. Tori and Lisa are super pissed, so Belding devises a fool-proof plan. His brilliant idea? A battle of the sexes for the $10,000.

It's a 2 out of 3 falls match folks! The first event is a scavenger hunt for puzzle pieces. The guys narrowly solve the puzzle before the girls, and they take an early 1-0 lead.

The guys have an awesome victory chant, straight out of the 90's. We bad, we bad, we-we-we bad!

In event 2, the teams have to put back together a carburetor. Slater is very confident, but that dyke Tori is able to put hers back together first. The girls tie it at 1-1, and it's going to come down to the deciding third event.

Zack's sources inform him that the third and finals event is a bakeoff. While that could spell doom for the guys, Zack has a plan. Screech replaced the girls' oven knob with a fake, and they burn their cake. Congratulations to the guys, the winners of 10 grand!

We bad, we know it. We bad, we show it.

Cut to the Max. Lisa can't figure out what went wrong, and Screech lets it slip that the guys cheated. The girls decide to be total bitches about it, and they all reject the guys at school. No money for sports, no sex.

It's dance time (because they have a dance every week at Bayside), and it looks like a middle school dance. The guys and girls are standing on opposite sides of the gym, and the only thing missing is A to Z Music. The guys come clean, and Tori proposes a stupid limbo contest to decide the real winner. The girls win, so at least now there's plenty of money for tampons or whatever it is girls spend their money on.

QUOTES!

Slater: We're talking about guys' teams. You know, the real sports at the school?

Tori: Wait a minute. Are you saying that girls' sports don't count?

Zack: No, no, no. Of course not. Girls' sports count. Just not enough to get money.

Slater: That's because our sports bring in the money that pay for your dumb sports. Like softball.

Slater's Sister

Zack tells us how cool the 50's were, so apparently there's going to be a sock hop at the Max. So cool. Ginger is now a waitress at the Max, and the gang sings their order to her. That's right. Apparently the gang is now a doo-wop group. Wow. Call me old fashioned, but I prefer the Zack Attack to the Five Aces. Oh, and Slater's sister is coming to town too.

Her name is J.B. (What's with the Slater family and initials for names?), and she's a babe. Zack takes an immediate interest in her, and I'm pretty sure she's DTF. Slater's super pissed, and will do anything to stop Zack and JB from going out. He's so desperate that he pulls the old "pretending to choke on popcorn" routine to end the movie double date.

The failed date doesn't stop Zack. He asks JB to the sock hop, and she's pretty excited. Meanwhile, Belding tells the guys that he loves them. Apparently he he went to a male sensitivity seminar and now he wants to hold one during gym class. Only the person holding the talking stick can share his emotions, and we have a few breakthroughs. Big Pete is upset because he's a dork, and Ox is upset because he's a jock. And Slater's super-pissed because Zack wants to bone his sister.

Zack takes JB to Lookout Point, but there's a problem. When he makes a move to seal the deal, he sees AC's face in place of JB's. And he's telling Preppy that he better not touch her. He's freaked out and calls it off.

But JB is super-pissed because Slater's ruining her love life. Slater feels awful, and he gives the couple his blessing. It seems JB and Zack are now a couple, but we never see or hear from JB ever again.

Four of the Five Aces completely rock the sock hop, as Tori is completely awkward and awful. And it's not a real life situation, as if this were really the 50's, Lisa wouldn't be allowed in the Max, let alone in a doo wop group!

QUOTES!

Belding: So instead of just exercising our bodies, we're going to exercise our emotions.

Slater: Just watch out for this guy at the drive in. They don't call him "Steam Up the Windows Morris" for nothing.

Earthquake

Belding is either hyperventilating or practicing his breathing techniques. I guess Mrs. Belding is having a baby soon, and Zack is running a "Baby Belding Pool." Unfortunately, Zack is too busy with the pool to remember the big physics midterm. In the 11th hour, he's saved by a routine earthquake drill. Everyone takes shelter under their desks, but Tori is scared to death. I guess they don't have earthquakes wherever she's from.

So we're stuck with Tori bitching about earthquakes the entire episode. And Belding shows up to the Max with the wife. Apparently she's getting pregnancy cravings. Zack is still concerned about the midterm, so he does what everyone should do...He puts it off for as long as possible. Zack gets the great idea to throw Becky Belding a baby shower during the exam.

The baby shower is a success, and Zack offers to help load the gifts. As they get in the elevator, TRAGEDY STRIKES! It's a good ole fashioned California earthquake, and boy, is this one massive. The one bonus? We get to see a shirtless A.C. Slater roaming the halls. Tori screams "I'm gonna die." If only we were so lucky.

Anyways, Zack, Tori and Mrs. Belding are stuck in the elevator. And Mrs. B is having her baby! And Belding and Screech are stuck in his office. Slater karate kicks the door down (what a stud!). Anyways, Zack is forced into being the birthing coach because Tori is frozen with fear. She's so worthless. Zack delivers a healthy baby boy and Screech wins the baby pool (for those of you who had a baby pool pool).

QUOTES!

Zack: (to Belding) You'll do fine sir! No one blows hot air like you do.

Belding: I can outmaneuver Heimlich!

Drinking and Driving

Here we go people. It's been a while, but we have another first-ballot Hall of Famer here. And if you're not careful, you might just learn a valuable lesson.

It's Homecoming time, and Lisa wins homecoming queen. Slater plans a big party at Ox's house for Thursday night because his parents will be out of town. They're acting like a bunch of animals, so Tori suggests that they have a toga party.

It's party time, and boy, you should see Zack in his toga. Ox suggests they trash the place, forgetting that it's at his house. It's a fairly tame party, until...

THE BEER IS HERE!

Slater cracks open a beer for his toast, and peer pressures Zack into drinking as well. Tori and Screech don't drink (because they're really lame). Tori leaves her friends at the party, and Zack, Lisa and Slater are all drunk. Screech offers to drive, but apparently a drunk Zack is a better driver than a sober Screech. Plus, Lisa's mom is out of town and they have her Mercedes."Wild Thing" is on the radio, and the gang is having a blast singing along. Lisa starts to feel sick, and Zack's not paying attention to the road. They skid off and hit a telephone pole.

They get the car back to Zack's house, and Derek Morris comes out to see what the fuss is all about. Zack admits to the accident, but claims a dog ran in front of the car. Lisa calls from Zack's phone and pretends to be her mother. So far, so good.

It's the next morning at school, and everyone is hungover. And Slater has some news that's going to make them feel worse. It's going to cost $1000 to fix the car. But don't worry, Zack has a plan. He sells advertising space on Slater's uniform for the homecoming game.

Slater is able to fix the car, but there's bad news. Slater's shoulder is really hurt from the crash, and now he can't play in the Homecoming game. Lisa's mom comes home early, and they can't get her car to start. Derek Morris comes out, and talks about the accident. Zack can't keep the lies straight anymore, and he comes clean about everything.

Derek is super pissed. He grounds Zack and takes away his car, and Zack learns a valuable lesson. If you're going to drink in high school, don't let your parents find out about it.

QUOTES!

Derek Morris: I'll help you get this car to Lisa's house in the morning.

Lisa: You can't!

Zack: That's right. Her garage is full of boxes.

Slater: Tools.

Screech: Homeless people!

Zack: That's boxes of tools for homeless people.

Mr. Belding: It's not every day that a truck load of bananas spills all over the freeway. I'm just glad your mother is alright. Terrible thing about the monkeys, though.

We learn that Lisa's middle name is Marie. That's right, her name is Lisa Marie. And I thought Screech's parents were the big Elvis fans.

Masquerade Ball

It's time for Bayside's annual Masquerade Ball. (How many dances can one school have, anyways?). We're in Mrs. Culpepper's art class, and the class is assigned to sculpt a statue of another human being. Zack offers to model nude (I assume), and Tori, being the raging biker feminist she is, tells the guys what pigs they are. To prove her wrong, Zack and Slater make a $50 bet to see who can kiss her first.

Slater asks Tori to be his model, and he tries to pull a Pearl Harbor job to land a kiss. It doesn't work, and now it's Zack's turn. He tries to kiss her the old fashioned way, by taking her out on a date. She's definitely DTF, but Zack pulls away because he feels guilty. Zack loves Tori!

Meanwhile, there's a mixup with some love letters. Screech is writing secret admirer letters to Lisa. She thinks they're from Zack. Belding thinks they're from Mrs. Culpepper.

(Speaking of Mrs. Culpepper, why does SBTB always make fun of handicapped people? There's deaf Mrs. Simpson, wheelchair Melissa and blind Mrs. Culpepper. Ridiculous.)

Lisa runs to tell Tori about Zack's crush, but Tori is devastated. Screech talks to her about it, and lets it slip that the only reason Zack took her out is to win the bet. Tori gets super pissed and devises a plan.

Okay, I'll try my best to keep this all straight. Lisa and Tori read a letter from the secret admirer and he says he'll be going to the ball as Gumby. So they think Zack will be Gumby. Tori confronts Slater about the bet, and tells him that she wants him to win the bet. Slater will be an astronaut , and Tori says she'll be dressed as Gumby. At the ball, Tori, thinking it's Zack, tells Gumby that Lisa is dressed as an astronaut. Meanwhile, Lisa said she'd be in a cat costume, so Zack confesses his love for Tori to her. But Tori is also dressed as a cat, so Zack really just told Tori (who he thought was Lisa) that he likes her. Gumby and the astronaut share a dance and a kiss. Screech and Slater are shocked and embarrassed. Tori kisses Zack, so I guess he wins the $50 bucks. Does any of this make sense to anyone? I'm still confused.

QUOTES!

Zack: I'm serious. It's not the right thing to do to a girl.

Slater: Hey, I'm not kissing any guys!

Teen Line

The senior class is looking for a community service project, and Slater recommends dating more. Great idea. Apparently that's not good enough for Belding, so Tori suggests a teen line. She's either seen the show before, or she's a big fan of this blog. Very original idea Tori; the only difference this time is that Zack's not making any money off of it.

There are a few rules at the teen line, and the biggest is you definitely cannot ask to meet face to face. Zack answers a call and actually uses his real name. I was waiting for Nitro. Anyways, a girl calls in complaining that her parents don't treat her like an adult, and Zack suggests setting her clocks back two hours. He then asks her out on a date, which is a big no-no. But that doesn't stop him, and he meets Melissa at the Max. He's digging her, but there's one big problem. She's in a wheelchair!

Zack lets the gang know right away that she's handicapped, but they shouldn't treat her any differently. Great. Except Zack continuously freaks out about her condition. He can't believe that she gave good advice, and he causes a stink at the movie theater because some jerk parked in the handicapped space. Handicapped people are people too Zack!

Belding has some unfortunate news. The school's budget has been cut, and all non-essential school programs have to go. And that means no more Teen Line. Why don't they just get a 900 number and charge two bucks a call? Anyways, the gang thinks of some ideas to raise money and save the teen line. They decide to play a wheelchair basketball game, and it's a big success. Tori thanks the crowd, and then Zack has a few words.

I want another round of applause, for the real star of the game. The only one who has to be in a wheelchair all the time, Melissa Donahue!

Very sensitive, Preppy. Melissa just wants to be treated like a normal person, and makes Zack feel like a real dick. He learns a lesson, and we're all better people at the end of this episode.

QUOTES!

Slater: I could try to date more. That would serve all the chicks in the community.

Zack: Whoa! You're in a wheelchair!

Zack: Even though she's handicapped, she gave Cathy perfect advice!

Zack: Excuse me sir. Would you mind slumping down? My date's in a wheelchair.