The Gift

Zack informs us that the three worst things that can happen to a kid are measles, mumps and midterms, and he'd rather study measles and mumps. That's right folks, it's midterm time at Bayside. And we're not talking any normal midterm here, we're talking about Terrible Testeverde! The sheer mention of his name strikes fear in the hearts of students everywhere.

Zack loses a bet to Slater and is forced to give up his beloved ham radio. He makes Screech unhook the antenna, and while he's outside he gets struck by lightning. Don't worry, Screech is okay, but he now apparently has psychic powers.

Testeverde's midterm consists of three essay questions. Everyone is freaking out. Jessie, being the academic snob she is, is concerned about getting an A. Lisa is a nervous wreck and eats constantly. You better lay off the chocolate missy, or white dweebs will stop chasing you around. Kelly even decides to cut gym to study. Randy Records would be so disappointed. ("Don't be sorry. Just don't let it happen again.")

If you had a friend who could tell the future, wouldn't you use it to your advantage? Zack makes Screech tell him the three questions on the midterm, and he's so confident that he'll ace the test that he makes a ridiculous bet with Slater. The loser must be the other's slave. (You would think Lisa would take exception to this, but her views on slavery are pretty lax.)

Kelly is all alone with Zack in his room, and studying is the last thing on his mind. I'm pretty sure he's close to getting it in when Lisa and Jessie storm in. Jessie is a professional cockblock (rivaling only Denisha "Bear" Bryant).

Screech's powers are starting to wear off, and he's not so confident about those questions now. It looks like our hero's in trouble, but he always has a plan. He fakes a flood and pretends to be Belding, who cancels all midterms. Belding gives the three questions that Screech saw, and everything goes well until Testeverde shows up. Apparently he's an amateur plumber and wants to help with the crisis. Belding is wise to the plan, and Testeverde gives the real questions.

The grades are in, and everyone did terribly. Kelly gets a C-, Lisa gets a D+, and Jessie flips out over a B. I really don't like her. Screech got an A because he cheated (He studied!), and Zack got an F-. Yeah, it was that bad. So Zack is now Slater's slave, and the first order of business is ordering a pizza. But don't worry, Zack orders it with extra anchovies! Hahahaha!

Screech's Woman

Cut to the Max. I guess it's time for the big project in science class, and Jessie and Slater are paired together. They decide on the ol' baking soda and vinegar volcano. Slater insists on calling it "Slater's Crater," while Jessie wants "Mount St. Jessie." Too soon, Jessie.

Zack and Screech are partners, and that's good news for Zack because Screech is doing all the work. Lisa walks in, and Screech decides to finally make his move. We see the awesome slow motion, walking towards each other scene, but Lisa is charging towards another guy (and yes, he's black). Screech is devastated.

Zack encourages Screech to get over her, and promises that he can find his friend a girl. But it's harder than he anticipates, because apparently girls don't like skinny, nerdy guys. Screech is really upset, and Zack panics. He claims that the perfect girl is going to call Screech at 3:30, but there's only one problem...there is no girl.

We're in the bathroom, and Zack calls from his cellphone, pretending to be "Bambi." He hits on Screech, and hilarity ensues. Belding is on the crapper, and he thinks "Bambi" is talking to him. Why does the principal use the locker room toilet anyways?

Screech is extremely excited about Bambi, but Zack informs him that Bambi can't meet him. The nerd protests by chaining himself to his locker. Oh boy. Belding blackmails Zack into fixing the Bambi situation.

There's clearly only one solution. Lisa and Jessie give Zack a makeover, and Zack becomes "Bambi." Cut back to the Max, and Screech is waiting on his dream girl. In walks Bambi, and boy, is she a sight. It's hard to believe his best friend wouldn't recognize him in drag. Anyways, "Bambi" makes ridiculous demands of Screech, including ditching his best friend Zack. That's a deal breaker, and Screech realizes that there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Screech finishes the project, and I assume Zack got an A without any work (other than dressing in drag).

QUOTES!

Belding: The men's room is one of the few doors education shouldn't open for you.

Belding: It's hero worship, rockstars, ballpayers, principals, heck we excite people!

Dancing to the Max

Editor's note: We're finally finished with the Tori episodes. Thank god. Now we're back to season 1, with a few episodes I missed at the beginning.

We're at the Max, and Max announces that he has an important telegram. It seems that "Dance Party" is going to host a dance competition at the Max, and it's hosted by the one and only Casey Kasem. Being the dancer that he is, Slater is instantly excited. He asks Kelly to be his partner and then puts on a dancing exhibition. Kelly decides there will be a Dancing Duel between Zack and Slater, with the winner getting Kelly's hand.

There's a cool scene where the gang is in band, and when the teacher's away, they really rock out. I bet they have a future in rock n roll.

Zack confides in Jessie that he can't dance. He needs some help, and apparently she's going to train him. Casey Kasem shows up in Belding's office, and I believe this is the first time we get a reference to "The Big Bopper" Richie Belding. He has a pretty mean twist.

Zack's dance moves are coming along pretty quick, thanks to his dance instructor Jessie. I bet she shows those moves off on a stage someday.

Hazy pink dream sequence! Jessie is growing taller and taller every second, and she's too big to be a dance partner. She's afraid that she's too tall and awkward to enter the dance competition.

Lisa sprained her ankle, so it looks like she's out of the dance competition. Bummer. Zack decides that he wants Jessie to be his dance party. So the stage is set for the epic showdown. Zack and Jessie vs. Slater and Kelly.

Slater and Kelly, as "The Spandex Twins," have a pretty awesome dance. I think AC learned all those moves on Kids, Incorporated. "The Powerhouse Preppies" are next, and they have an equally good routine. However, the third couple takes the cake. Screech and Lisa have invented a new dance called "The Sprain," and the applause-o-meter goes off the charts. The crowd loves it!

QUOTES!

Casey Kasem: Well that's a good night from us here at Dance Party everybody. Until next time, this is Casey Kasem saying "Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars." Come on everybody. Let's do the...the...The Sprain!

Day of Detention

Great news! Rappin' Ken Kelly is broadcasting from the Max all afternoon, and he's giving away a trip to Hawaii. Zack is on his phone in class, and Belding gets super pissed. No more cell phone calls in school for Zack. Lisa hears that they're taking the tenth caller at 2pm to win that trip to Hawaii.

Zack rigs the phones at the Max with Screech's help. He's the tenth caller, and all he needs to do is show up to the Max at 4. But Belding catches him, takes away his phone, and gives him detention. Zack enlists Slater's help, but he's a horrible actor. Belding's wise to the plan, and throws Slater in detention too. Tori and Lisa get roped in, and now everyone's in detention.

Zack gives it one last-ditch effort, and it's a familiar plan. He grosses out Belding. Meanwhile, Screech pretends to be Zack and shows up at the Max (Much like myself, these writers are just mailing it in now). However, Screech screws up, and he's in detention now too. Belding has been working on a bonsai tree, and apparently Screech is an expert. He distracts Belding while Zack sneaks out. He blows through the first two questions, and then Belding knows he skipped.

Zack doesn't answer the third question correctly, and to add insult to injury, Belding shows up to bust him at the Max. Even worse? Belding answers the third question (answer: bonsai), and he wins the trip to Hawaii.

School Song

We're getting close to graduation, and Lisa is trying to come up with a class gift. Last year's class bought a VCR. Now that's class. Cut to choir practice, and they butcher the school song. (Side note: What happened to the Glee Club? I guess they need Mr. Tuttle back in charge). The problem's that it's too old fashioned, so Lisa proposes they create a new school song as their class gift.

Everyone rips on Zack, basically calling him a con-artist and a liar. He's concerned, because no one wants to be remembered as the school's biggest goof off, so he needs to clear his name. His plan? Create the awesomest school song in the history of school songs. All by himself. You see, the gang was going to work together, but Zack sabotages their plans. Everyone gets pissed at each other, and now it seems that it's a contest to create the best school song.

Zack has a super awesome, rocking, guitar-driven school song, and everyone loves it. But somehow Screech gets the same amount of votes. Zack needs to persuade the nerd vote if he wants to win. He seduces poor Louise, and the gang knows what he's up to. They decide to pull a Zack Morris and sabotage his song performance. Their secret? Super-sour lemonade. Brilliant. Zack chokes it at the performance.

The gang has improved Screech's song, and it's awesome.

It seems like only yesterday we started.

But soon we'll put away our books and pens.

We'll go on with our live once we have parted,

But how can we say farewell to our friends?

The double dates, the parties and the dances,

Cramming for a midterm until 3,

The football games, the Max and the romances,

Soon Bayside will be just a memory.

Our four years here have all become unraveled,

And so our high school story finally ends.

But years from now, no matter where we've traveled,

We'll all look back and thank about our friends.

That's a piece of beauty folks.

Class Rings

It's time to buy the senior class rings, and Zack decides to take care of it. I love the guy, but I don't think I'd trust my money with Zack Morris. Lisa complains about how annoying Screech is, and Tori doesn't think he's that bad. Tori agrees to go on a date with Screech, and if she can survive, Lisa has to have sex with him. Or something like that.

Cut to the Max. Zack has a meeting with Gem Diamond, his ring guy. Zack haggles Gem down, and he gets a great price on the class rings. The rings come in overnight, and they look great. This Gem Diamond character must be legit.

Too bad the rings leave a green stain. They're clearly not real gold, and Zack clearly got ripped off. Tori seduces Screech while Zack devises a plan. They get Gem to show up at the Max, and Zack gives him a song and dance about how he's impressed how Gem ripped him off. Zack proposes that they become partners, and Slater will be the muscle. Screech shows up all pissed off, and Slater lets him beat him up. Gem pisses his pants, and agrees to give everyone free, genuine gold rings. Screech is a hero!

QUOTES!

Gem: What's the A.C. stand for?

Slater: Abnormally Cruel.

The Will

Zack and Tori are now the hottest couple at Bayside. You've come a long way since Kelly Kapowski, Preppy. Screech is a member of the miniature golf team now. I had no idea there are high school miniature golf teams. Anyways, the school is in the middle of a big time budget crunch. Things are looking grim until Mr. Belding announces that the inventor of elastic waistbands for underwear, a Bayside alumnus, has left the school ten grand in his will.

There's a big convocation to decide what the school will do with the money. Zack and Slater suggest spending it on the sports program. But that doesn't include womens athletics. Tori and Lisa are super pissed, so Belding devises a fool-proof plan. His brilliant idea? A battle of the sexes for the $10,000.

It's a 2 out of 3 falls match folks! The first event is a scavenger hunt for puzzle pieces. The guys narrowly solve the puzzle before the girls, and they take an early 1-0 lead.

The guys have an awesome victory chant, straight out of the 90's. We bad, we bad, we-we-we bad!

In event 2, the teams have to put back together a carburetor. Slater is very confident, but that dyke Tori is able to put hers back together first. The girls tie it at 1-1, and it's going to come down to the deciding third event.

Zack's sources inform him that the third and finals event is a bakeoff. While that could spell doom for the guys, Zack has a plan. Screech replaced the girls' oven knob with a fake, and they burn their cake. Congratulations to the guys, the winners of 10 grand!

We bad, we know it. We bad, we show it.

Cut to the Max. Lisa can't figure out what went wrong, and Screech lets it slip that the guys cheated. The girls decide to be total bitches about it, and they all reject the guys at school. No money for sports, no sex.

It's dance time (because they have a dance every week at Bayside), and it looks like a middle school dance. The guys and girls are standing on opposite sides of the gym, and the only thing missing is A to Z Music. The guys come clean, and Tori proposes a stupid limbo contest to decide the real winner. The girls win, so at least now there's plenty of money for tampons or whatever it is girls spend their money on.

QUOTES!

Slater: We're talking about guys' teams. You know, the real sports at the school?

Tori: Wait a minute. Are you saying that girls' sports don't count?

Zack: No, no, no. Of course not. Girls' sports count. Just not enough to get money.

Slater: That's because our sports bring in the money that pay for your dumb sports. Like softball.